This is the last story for the Month of Bad Decisions! Thanks for reading.
***
Somnambulized
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
Time to go to sleep. Only not. Because now's the time to somnabulize. It's time to wake sort of and walk around. Walk away. Walk towards the sunrise. Walk towards distant pyramids. Walk towards a future or a past. Walk towards a city garden. Walk towards an angry parked car. Walk towards a stray raccoon. Walk towards a great tower. Walk towards an explosion. Walk towards a bright, shining array of colors, splayed out over an endless source.
Keep going. Go to a cave. Go out of that cave. Go somewhere you've never been before. Go those 1,000 places that you are supposed to go to before you die. But keep living. Go, take it all in. You'll be everywhere you want and you will be everything you always wanted to be. And you won't even know it.
***
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Story #159 - Jumped In A Lake - MBD #29
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Jumped In A Lake
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
This is a decisive time in your life. You NEED right now to get rid of all your things and go jump in a lake. I mean it. Turn off your computer. Turn off your phone and smash it with a hammer or other heavy object. Kick your TV out of a first-story window (it can be eaten by dogs, no harm to anyone). Just GO.
ISN"T THIS REFRESHING??? This is what you have been missing. This lake, right here, and you. Feel the cool water covering every part of you. Take it easy knowing that ducks swans snakes turtles and other life probably have no interest you and will carry on as though you were not there. Relax knowing that everything is alright forever.
Never get out of this lake. Never surface. Don't even think about it. Just stay there, and breathe. Forget everything else and it will all go away.
***
Jumped In A Lake
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
This is a decisive time in your life. You NEED right now to get rid of all your things and go jump in a lake. I mean it. Turn off your computer. Turn off your phone and smash it with a hammer or other heavy object. Kick your TV out of a first-story window (it can be eaten by dogs, no harm to anyone). Just GO.
ISN"T THIS REFRESHING??? This is what you have been missing. This lake, right here, and you. Feel the cool water covering every part of you. Take it easy knowing that ducks swans snakes turtles and other life probably have no interest you and will carry on as though you were not there. Relax knowing that everything is alright forever.
Never get out of this lake. Never surface. Don't even think about it. Just stay there, and breathe. Forget everything else and it will all go away.
***
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Story #158 - Skydove Backwards - MBD #28
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Skydove Backwards
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
I had only a few hours left! What to do! Skydiving is ofcourse the answer! But was there a way to do it... backwards???z??z?????/??/?? OF COURSE there is. So it's easy, just had to free myself from earthly bonds and the law of "gravity" (psh) and then that's it! You just need an airplane to "catch" you. NO PARACHUTE REQUIRED. Just watch out for blades... of GLORY! No wait, just blades, actually just watch out for blades.
Anyway I tried it. First I prepared by skydiving regularly, from one plane... to ANOTHER plane. SMART! No hiccups. So then it was time. I made sure the plane was above. I was the person. I would be the one. I released myself from "gravity" (again, psh) and dove upwards! You've never had an experience like this let me tell you. The only thing is you definitely need to time the "catch" right or the plane will miss you and you will have to reinstate "gravity" (oh yeah, that thing) and then it's just regular skydiving. So uh yeah you might actually want a parachute after all? It turns out
***
Skydove Backwards
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
I had only a few hours left! What to do! Skydiving is ofcourse the answer! But was there a way to do it... backwards???z??z?????/??/?? OF COURSE there is. So it's easy, just had to free myself from earthly bonds and the law of "gravity" (psh) and then that's it! You just need an airplane to "catch" you. NO PARACHUTE REQUIRED. Just watch out for blades... of GLORY! No wait, just blades, actually just watch out for blades.
Anyway I tried it. First I prepared by skydiving regularly, from one plane... to ANOTHER plane. SMART! No hiccups. So then it was time. I made sure the plane was above. I was the person. I would be the one. I released myself from "gravity" (again, psh) and dove upwards! You've never had an experience like this let me tell you. The only thing is you definitely need to time the "catch" right or the plane will miss you and you will have to reinstate "gravity" (oh yeah, that thing) and then it's just regular skydiving. So uh yeah you might actually want a parachute after all? It turns out
***
Friday, April 27, 2012
Story #157 - Created A Bottomless Pit - MBD #27
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Created A Bottomless Pit
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
I always wanted a pit, so I thought really hard and hey, one appeared. Fantastic! Only thing to do is diive. Wheeeee!
OK this is fun but I think I would like to not be doing this anymore.
Hmm where is the bottom to this pit?
Fuck! OK I just have to think real hard again and one will appear.
What do you mean that doesn't work all the time???
Look I'm going to set my alarm on my phone and when it goes off this pit better have a fucking bottom.
Are we cool? Great.
***
Created A Bottomless Pit
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
I always wanted a pit, so I thought really hard and hey, one appeared. Fantastic! Only thing to do is diive. Wheeeee!
OK this is fun but I think I would like to not be doing this anymore.
Hmm where is the bottom to this pit?
Fuck! OK I just have to think real hard again and one will appear.
What do you mean that doesn't work all the time???
Look I'm going to set my alarm on my phone and when it goes off this pit better have a fucking bottom.
Are we cool? Great.
***
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Story #156 - Befriended A Tornado - MBD #26
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Befriended A Tornado
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
Hi! My name is [redacted]. How are you? I notice you are a tornado. That is fascinating!
Its a good thing you are here. I am very interested in learning more about tornadoes. Where are you from? When you are pluralized, do you add the "e"? What's with all the wind and such? Is it dangerous? I have so many questions. Have you seen this checklist?
Anyway if you don't mind I am just going to sit over here. We can yell across this field at each other! Also I heard a rumor once about hallucinations? Listen, I don't want to stereotype, but can you tell me what is what?
All I want is an explanation of your existence. Also will you kindly not kill me?
Aw, man.
***
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Story #155 - Started A Forest Fire - MBD #25
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Started A Forest Fire
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
I had a song stuck in my head and I needed to get it out, so I built a hut made of only sticks. It was fun! But it needed to be vacated so I burned it.
In this way a forest fire sprung up. What fun! I thought to myself. I never thought I was capable of making one. This is great. Well I guess it is time to put it out. Here is my trusty fire snake, it swallows fire whole. Go on, it's ok. Yes, do your thing. Awesome! The fire has been extinguished. Score one for me.
Oh fuck, the snake has exploded and started a new fire! Shit! I forgot to bring a spare snake! This is why I always should travel with a rolling zoo.
Why does this always happen to me???
At least the fire isn't
***
Started A Forest Fire
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
I had a song stuck in my head and I needed to get it out, so I built a hut made of only sticks. It was fun! But it needed to be vacated so I burned it.
In this way a forest fire sprung up. What fun! I thought to myself. I never thought I was capable of making one. This is great. Well I guess it is time to put it out. Here is my trusty fire snake, it swallows fire whole. Go on, it's ok. Yes, do your thing. Awesome! The fire has been extinguished. Score one for me.
Oh fuck, the snake has exploded and started a new fire! Shit! I forgot to bring a spare snake! This is why I always should travel with a rolling zoo.
Why does this always happen to me???
At least the fire isn't
***
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Story #154 - Sat Under A Tree - MBD #24
***
Sat Under A Tree
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisoins. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
A tree came into my field of vision somehow. What a thing! It was so beautiful with its 0 amount of leaves and 23+ branches. Awesome!! So I sat under it. Good times. But a lightning storm! Oh no, you know where this is going. I did not move from the tree, and then a portal to hell opened up, and I was tormented by visions, etc. etc. I know you've heard this one before. When I got back, the rain had stopped but I was still under the tree. Nice! I high-fived myself.
A dog came and bit me and I needed to be hospitalized. Oh well, you can't have everything you want forever.
***
Sat Under A Tree
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisoins. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
A tree came into my field of vision somehow. What a thing! It was so beautiful with its 0 amount of leaves and 23+ branches. Awesome!! So I sat under it. Good times. But a lightning storm! Oh no, you know where this is going. I did not move from the tree, and then a portal to hell opened up, and I was tormented by visions, etc. etc. I know you've heard this one before. When I got back, the rain had stopped but I was still under the tree. Nice! I high-fived myself.
A dog came and bit me and I needed to be hospitalized. Oh well, you can't have everything you want forever.
***
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