Here's what's up: I'm going to try to post a new story here every Thursday. If I get more submissions, of course, I'll post more often, but you will get one new story from me every week.
So here's this week's one:
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
I was grating Parmesan cheese the other day, to make a salad, when I thought to myself, what else can I grate with this? So I took a knife and I used my grater and I grated it. The knife was in very small pieces.
Feeling good, I turned the cheese grater on to everything in the house. My toaster is now like a pile of ashes. I started with metal things, then went on to fruits, vegetables, meats, yogurt, jars of pickles, and anything else I could find in the fridge. I went upstairs and grated everything in the bathroom, then I went to my room and grated my walls, my posters, my boxes of things. I tried grating the cat but she got upset, and scratched me, and I respected that, so I left her alone.
Eventually I went outside and started using the grater on the walls itself. It cut through the bricks. Eventually part of the house fell down around me, and I feared I was trapped. But, I just grated my way out.
Now me and my cheese grater travel around the earth, looking for things to grate. It is amazing how satisfied I feel. You don't even know. It's a feeling that I don't think I can describe. It's knowing that you can do anything, knowing that you have a purpose in this world, that you are good for at least one thing. I think that's what it's like.