by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
I went off to foreign lands for a vacation, mostly around Europe. Every new country is a new opportunity to make a bad decision. You don't know anybody there, and sometimes you don't even know the language. What are they going to do, deport you? And even if they do, you were going back home anyway.
I was arrested after a soccer riot in Spain. They found many, many drugs on me. I am not ashamed.
In France I attempted to beat a man up, but this proved to be difficult. I didn't go to a hospital. I take pride in that.
I tried to have an affair in Luxembourg, but the language barrier kept getting in the way. I don't even know what they speak in Luxembourg.
In Switzerland I ate as much chocolate as I could, as fast as I could. I had to go to the hospital for that one.
Finally in England I wore a shirt that said "AMERICA" in big letters and had a big flag on it and went into the seediest bars I could find. I don't really want to talk about it right now.
I returned home satisfied that Europe was okay and the land of bad decisions is indeed an international place. It has no borders. It is inside all of us.