by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
"Shit," I said to myself, "fuck." I decided that those words were all that I would say. I went to my neighbor and I said "fuck!" She just turned away. At work I said shit and fuck to my bosses and my co-workers. They were not impressed.
"I can say fuck more times than you can," said my boss.
"Like fuck you can," I said.
So we both stood up. Someone got a stop watch out. "Ready?" they said. "Go!"
"Fuck!" I said. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!" And so on and so on. I was getting creative with it, making up crazy rhythms, slapping my knee to keep time. At the end of thirty seconds I had said fuck 125 times.
"Not bad," said my boss. "Not too bad, anyway."
"All right, go!" they said to my boss, and he took off. It was like watching the space shuttle launching, but not on TV, like you are right next to it and your ears will never work again. The thing is, although he was saying "fuck" so fast, you could clearly make out every word, every syllable.
When time was called, he had said fuck 986 times.
"Shit," I said.
"By the way, you're fired," he said.
So now I don't have a job per se, and he and I got sued for harassment, which is bullshit and I will fight it. But I'm concerned about what will happen when I apply for a new job, and I give them my boss' number as a reference.