Thursday, September 27, 2007

Story #22 - Stealing Shit

***
Stealing Shit
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I woke up, and, fuck, I just had this urge to steal as many things as I could. I can't tell you where it came from. It just happened.

So I walk out of my place and down to the curb and there's this bicycle there, and it's just right there, and so I got some wire cutters and got the lock off and just rode it all around the city, feeling great. I rode it to a convenience store and I took a bunch of things off the shelves, just anything I could find, and I ran out with it.

I saw this old beat up car in the parking lot, and I felt like if I took off with it I'd be doing the owner a favor. It was so easy to break into. I turned it on, put on some music, and drove away.

I went to a grocery store; I felt like I need some food. I got one of those brown paper bags and filled it up with pop-tarts, potato chips, soda, olives, frosting, tiny cereals, interesting bread, and fancy cheeses. Then I went through the self-checkout aisle, only I neglected to self-checkout.

By the time I got into my car and left, the thrill of stealing things was gone. I went back to my place and went to sleep. When I woke up I marveled over everything that I had stolen, and I thought to myself, this was a good day.

The only thing is I might have to lay low, because on the news tonight there was some security camera footage and you could clearly see me, grabbing at everything I could, grinning all the time.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Story #21 - Insulting Cats

***
Insulting Cats
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was walking on the sidewalk when I saw a cat. It was ugly. It was not the kind of cat that you would stop and pet if you saw it on the sidewalk. So I walked right past it.

Then, for some reason, I decided to turn around and say, "Hey, cat! You're ugly! And stupid! I bet you have no cat friends and your owner won't even give you any milk! Ha ha ha!" Then I turned back around and walked off.

I looked behind me and saw the cat staring at me. I turned the corner and started walking around the block when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I turned and saw that there was a cat running and it joined up with the first cat, who was following me. This second cat, too, was ugly.

Well, I had already come this far, I thought. "Hey other cat!" I said. "You look worse than that first cat! Ha!" And I turned around and kept walking.

I hadn't walked for five minutes when I saw there were now ten cats, all walking in-step with each other, staring straight at me. "Man," I yelled, "it's like an ugly cat convention! You ought to have rented out city hall!"

Then something happened that I had never seen before. Out of every house, out from every tree, out from the bushes and underneath lawns and cars, out of every single hiding place came an ugly cat. There had to be more than one hundred there.

I was surrounded. There were cats on every side of me, just waiting. So I said, "You all have to be the ugliest cats I have ever seen!"

They descended upon me like pigeons on bread.

***

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Story #20 - Stolen Television

Twenty stories is a lot of stories. For those of you who are just joining us, I run this website that posts a new story every Thursday, and I am looking for submissions, so email me your stories or poems or whatever.

***

Stolen Television
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I stole a TV from a department store. It was so easy. I just picked it up, carried it out, and ran. I made sure I went on a very busy day, so that I would get lost in the crowd. I thought that no one had seen me.

I put it in my house and enjoyed all my new found television success. But I could only get broadcast channels, because I didn't want to pay for cable. So I was distraught for a while.

In time I was working on a way to try to get cable, involving much plans and blueprints and other drawings, when there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find men from the department store, holding baseball bats, asking me where the TV was.

It turned out that on their inventory they did notice that a TV was missing, and someone got out the security footage, and that the TV itself actually had a tracking device on it. Who knew, right?

They beat the shit out of me, they put me in an interrogation room and hooked me up to several devices, they kept saying things like "no one can help you now" and "you are the lowest form of scum." I thought it was a bit excessive.

Long story short, I don't have a TV or cable now anymore, but I do have many, many bruises and scars.

***

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Story #19 - Live Animals

Not sure why a lot of my stories focus on eating. I'm not that good at describing it. Oh well.

***

Live Animals
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I wanted to eat a live animal. I was watching TV and they had this guy who ate the beating heart of a frog. "Not bad," was all he said. He didn't bother to say what it was like. I thought it was rude.

So I thought, I'll one-up this guy. I'll get a camera, eat an animal, put it on YouTube and get one million hits. It was perfect.

I started small, with a mouse. The guy at the pet store looked at me funny when I wasn't interested in any pellets or water or shavings. I set up my camera on a table at home and turned it on. "Okay," I said. "I am going to eat a mouse!"

I picked the mouse up in my hands and stared at it in the eye. "Sorry," I said. I put it in my mouth.

Well, I didn't end up eating it. I spit it out almost immediately. "Jesus fucking Christ!" I said. "That tastes awful!" I realized that I had no idea where the mouse had been. I felt sorry for what I had done.

At first I thought I wouldn't put the video on YouTube, but then I thought, if you're going to make a bad decision, you have to air it out publicly, for everyone to see. How else will anybody know?

So far I've only gotten five viewings.

***