by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
I was walking on the sidewalk when I saw a cat. It was ugly. It was not the kind of cat that you would stop and pet if you saw it on the sidewalk. So I walked right past it.
Then, for some reason, I decided to turn around and say, "Hey, cat! You're ugly! And stupid! I bet you have no cat friends and your owner won't even give you any milk! Ha ha ha!" Then I turned back around and walked off.
I looked behind me and saw the cat staring at me. I turned the corner and started walking around the block when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I turned and saw that there was a cat running and it joined up with the first cat, who was following me. This second cat, too, was ugly.
Well, I had already come this far, I thought. "Hey other cat!" I said. "You look worse than that first cat! Ha!" And I turned around and kept walking.
I hadn't walked for five minutes when I saw there were now ten cats, all walking in-step with each other, staring straight at me. "Man," I yelled, "it's like an ugly cat convention! You ought to have rented out city hall!"
Then something happened that I had never seen before. Out of every house, out from every tree, out from the bushes and underneath lawns and cars, out of every single hiding place came an ugly cat. There had to be more than one hundred there.
I was surrounded. There were cats on every side of me, just waiting. So I said, "You all have to be the ugliest cats I have ever seen!"
They descended upon me like pigeons on bread.