by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
I woke up, and, fuck, I just had this urge to steal as many things as I could. I can't tell you where it came from. It just happened.
So I walk out of my place and down to the curb and there's this bicycle there, and it's just right there, and so I got some wire cutters and got the lock off and just rode it all around the city, feeling great. I rode it to a convenience store and I took a bunch of things off the shelves, just anything I could find, and I ran out with it.
I saw this old beat up car in the parking lot, and I felt like if I took off with it I'd be doing the owner a favor. It was so easy to break into. I turned it on, put on some music, and drove away.
I went to a grocery store; I felt like I need some food. I got one of those brown paper bags and filled it up with pop-tarts, potato chips, soda, olives, frosting, tiny cereals, interesting bread, and fancy cheeses. Then I went through the self-checkout aisle, only I neglected to self-checkout.
By the time I got into my car and left, the thrill of stealing things was gone. I went back to my place and went to sleep. When I woke up I marveled over everything that I had stolen, and I thought to myself, this was a good day.
The only thing is I might have to lay low, because on the news tonight there was some security camera footage and you could clearly see me, grabbing at everything I could, grinning all the time.