Thursday, October 25, 2007

Story #26 - Cotton

by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I wanted to know, how could I ruin my life using only cotton? I had to think hard about this one.

Eventually I bought a bag of cotton balls and started throwing them at people, one by one. These did little to no damage. "Stop that," they'd say, or "What?" So I had to stop.

But I noticed that all the cotton had collected on a pile on the floor. This gave me a good idea.

I bought some cotton shirts, cotton tips, even just raw cotton itself. I put them in the middle of the street with the other cotton balls. People tripped over them. It was great. Now I had my own army, my own massive force I could use to disrupt people.

I can't move it. I have to stay here, night and day, to make sure that no one tries to take it. Oh, God help you if you try to take it.

The city council is trying to force me to move. Ha! Let them. It will be futile, anyway. I now exist outside the laws of man. I'm just going to stay here. I'm just going to stay here.


Thursday, October 18, 2007

Story #25 - Doing Nothing

This one is for my friend in Indiana.

Doing Nothing
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I thought, what is the point of going outside and doing anything? There was nothing that I couldn't do from my home. So I bought World Of Warcraft and I decided not do anything else but play it and sleep.

My former friends were upset, they said, that I never left the house, but, if they can't understand why I wanted to do this, then I guess they were never really my friends.

It's great. I get all my food ordered and delivered to me. I keep my own sleep schedule, it doesn't even matter. Sometimes I don't even wear clothes.

I don't miss the outside world. There wasn't much there anyway. What, buildings? Trees? Some mountains? I don't need those. There are pictures of those online anyway.

I am self-sufficient. I provide for myself. I make my own money - through Warcraft, but also I found you can take these surveys online and they pay you for it. I am thinking of venturing into other schemes as well. But other than that, I am content.

I do not need anything, nothing, not ever again.


Tuesday, October 16, 2007


The Land of Bad Decisions was featured on WMUC Radio yesterday morning, on the show "Hobo's Lullaby." WMUC is the college radio station of the University of Maryland.

Hosts Jenna Brager and Carter Thomas read this story on the air. Their show is awesome, by the way. They have a website for it here.

The audio for the show is here, but the link is only good for a week. The story is read at around the 3/4 mark.

When the regular podcast gets put online I'll link to it.

New story this Thursday. Thanks for reading.

UPDATE: Here is the permanent link to the show.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Story #24 - Ruining a Sport


Ruining a Sport
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was at a soccer match and pretty much I jumped down onto the field and started running. They didn't notice me at first; I mean, the security guys did, but the players themselves didn't.

So I ran out onto the field. Right in the middle of the match too. It was scoreless, though, so far, so I didn't feel like it was that big of a deal. I ran right to where the soccer ball was. The defender, of course, was very good at his job and kept the ball from me. But I just ran straight into him and knocked him down.

Oh, everyone was trying to get me right then. I kicked around the ball, trying to go towards the goal, until I remembered that I wasn't very good at soccer, not really.

So I picked it up. I picked it up with my hands, and I yelled out, "Fuck your sport! Fuck your goalie! I can do what I want!" And I started to run with the ball, towards the goal.

And then they clotheslined me. I'm not sure who did it. But it happened, and now I am banned from all soccer matches in all the world, forever.

Apparently you can't do that, you can't do the things that I have done.


Thursday, October 4, 2007

Story #23 - Killing a Sidewalk

This blog is steadily growing in readers, so I wanted to say: Hello!

And I wanted to remind everyone that what I wanted to do with this blog was to collect stories, to see what other people's responses would be to this one idea. I don't mind providing a new story every week, but I really was hoping that eventually people would start writing stories/poems of their own. So what I'm saying is: please send me a submission. It's not that difficult. I'd really like to hear what you have to say.

That being said, here's this week's story:

Killing a Sidewalk
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I tripped on the sidewalk, and immediately my thoughts turned to revenge. This sort of thing could not stand. So I turned all my attention to how best to kill a sidewalk.

I bought some chalk and wrote "I SUCK" and "I AM TERRIBLE" and "STUPID" and "ASSFACE" on it. Wouldn't you know, people thought I was talking about myself. And the rain came and washed it away anyhow.

So in the middle of the night I got out of bed and went to the sidewalk and just sat there and took a huge dump, right there, right on the sidewalk. It was still there the next day. That would show it, I thought. But I knew that it wouldn't last forever.

Finally I realized that to end it once and for all, I would need to steal a jackhammer. You'd be surprised how unlocked some public works facilities' doors are. I had the good sense to borrow a hard hat and some earphones, too.

"Fuck you!" I said as I started the jackhammer. Yes, but I had never used one before and didn't know how to. And maybe I messed some things up. And maybe I broke a water main and caused some complaints. But that sidewalk was completely fucked up beyond repair after I got done with it.

Now the city council wants to repair it, of course, and they want to throw me in jail for several reasons. But I am not going to let that sidewalk get the better of me.

Fucking asshole.