Ruining a Sport
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
I was at a soccer match and pretty much I jumped down onto the field and started running. They didn't notice me at first; I mean, the security guys did, but the players themselves didn't.
So I ran out onto the field. Right in the middle of the match too. It was scoreless, though, so far, so I didn't feel like it was that big of a deal. I ran right to where the soccer ball was. The defender, of course, was very good at his job and kept the ball from me. But I just ran straight into him and knocked him down.
Oh, everyone was trying to get me right then. I kicked around the ball, trying to go towards the goal, until I remembered that I wasn't very good at soccer, not really.
So I picked it up. I picked it up with my hands, and I yelled out, "Fuck your sport! Fuck your goalie! I can do what I want!" And I started to run with the ball, towards the goal.
And then they clotheslined me. I'm not sure who did it. But it happened, and now I am banned from all soccer matches in all the world, forever.
Apparently you can't do that, you can't do the things that I have done.