Thursday, November 29, 2007

Story #31 - Coffee

And now, a pleasing work of fiction to divert you for several seconds today.

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Coffee
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Here's what I did. I brewed up a nice pot of coffee, real fancy stuff. Then I took the pot out of the coffee maker and walked outside. It was a cold day, and I made sure that I had gloves on. I walked all the way down to the block to the nearby convenience store. I said hello to the cashier, then reared back and threw the contents of the pot into his face. Then I walked out.

It wasn't that bad of a bad decision, really, cause I got what I wanted. That man needed to understand what a proper coffee is supposed to taste like.

I hate convenience stores.

***

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Story #30 - Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, folks. Here's a story for this occasion.

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Thanksgiving
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Here's my plan for Thanksgiving: instead of having one of my own, I'm just going to crash other peoples'. Why can't Thanksgiving be a time for strangers to come into your house and take your shit?

It started good the first couple of houses. It's surprising how many people don't lock their doors today.

What I do is, usually, walk in to the house, say "Happy Thanksgiving everybody! Be thankful!" or something like that, grab a turkey leg, and then walk out. Then I run to the next house.

I got a good haul in the beginning - turkey legs, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and so on. All the fun of Thanksgiving without having to pay for it.

Of course, eventually I passed out on some one's lawn from eating and running so much, and someone came by and hit me with a plank of wood a couple of times. And yeah, it's "illegal" or whatever. But I think it just might have been my best Thanksgiving that I can remember.

***

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Story #29 - Thumb Tack

Sorry this one is late, I was busy today. Here you go.

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Thumb Tack
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I put a thumb tack in the middle of the road, thinking that if a car drove over it the tire would explode or something. Well, it turns out that tires don't do that anymore, they can just roll right over the thing and it would be fine.

I was upset. So I got a knife and I just started slashing tires all over town. Now that was fun. I just bounded down the streets, running from side to side, cutting open the tires and hearing the sound escape.

I got to my own car and I slashed its tires, one two three four. Then I thought, well, what the hell, and I got in my car and turned it on.

It's very difficult to drive with no tires. Hearing the thunk-thunk-thunk while you're driving down the road. I didn't get very far, no. I ended up just a couple of feet from where I was when I decided to stop. Yes, I left my car in the middle of the road.

I started to feel bad - for myself, and for all the people whose tires I cut. We'd all have to buy replacements now, and we wouldn't be able to drive ourselves to do it.

I threw my knife away (on the ground) and kept walking. Well, maybe one day things will turn out allright.

***

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Story #28 - Haystack Cookies, by Annalee Flower Horne

Today brings another story from Annalee Flower Horne. She has written a different story for LOBD before. This story, she says, is a true story.

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Haystack Cookies
by Annalee Flower Horne

I wanted to live in the Land of Bad Decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

You know what's really tasty? Haystack cookies. Peanut butter, butterscotch, chow mien noodles and peanuts-- a longstanding family tradition of hallowe'en deliciousness.

So when my mom sent me the recipe a few days ago, of course I went crazy with it. I rode to the cheap grocery store across town and dropped a weeks' worth of grocery money on cookie supplies. I had so much stuff, I had trouble fitting it all in my backpack. I had to strap some of it down to my motorcycle for the ride home.

I figured three batches would do it. Halfway through batch two, I realized that this may have been overkill. Haystack cookie batches are huge. But there was no turning back. I just kept piling them up, one layer of waxed paper over another.

I've shared them. I've arranged little gift-plates of them for favorite professors and staff. I've invited friends to come and partake of the peanut-butter-scotchy goodness. I've left strategic caches of them in friends' rooms.

But mostly, I've eaten them. I snacked on them while handing out candy to the kiddies. I used them to fuel my I-Law exam all-nighter. Today, I skipped my cafeteria meals and just ate haystack cookies instead.

I skipped swim class today--because, you know, when you've been eating nothing but cookies all day, it's probably better to stay out of the pool--and kind of fell asleep at 4:30 in the afternoon. So when I woke up (at 9:20 pm), what's the first thing I did? Poured myself a glass of milk and ate two more cookies.

I'm almost out, now. I've got a few more gift-plates that are Not For Me, and four more cookies, and then it's back to real food and regular meals. Maybe my friends have a few cookies left upstairs.

Boy howdy am I going to need to detox this weekend, but I'm not sorry. It's delicious here in the Land of Bad Decisions.

***

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Story #27 - Tigers

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Tigers
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

At the zoo I didn't even bother with the warning signs, I just walked right up and over the fence and fell into the tiger pit. "What's up!" I said. "What it is!" I was so tired of just watching them sleep, watching them do nothing. I wanted to see something different.

Tigers are much bigger up close. One of them finally got up, yawned, and looked over at me. "Hello!" I said. Yes, by this time some zookeepers were upset, and they sere trying to get me out. But I wasn't done yet.

I saw the tiger get up and move towards me. I was not scared. I was not even drunk. I started to run around.

Tigers are very fast moving animals.

Oh, but those fucking zookeepers, they grabbed me and pulled me out of the tiger pit. Party poopers. But at least I got the tiger to bite part of my foot off. That was awesome.

***