Monday, December 14, 2009

Story #44 - Punched A Mailman

Hi everyone! LOBD is now back from its self-imposed hiatus! If I make a post in 2009, then it can only be considered a year long. LOBD will now post on Monday nights/Tuesday mornings. Let's pick up where we left off.

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Punched a Mailman
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I saw my mailman come up to my front door to deliver the mail. "Hi Fred," I said. Then I punched him in the face. I punched him other places as well, but the face was the most satisfying.

The next day I didn't see Fred, but it was Sunday, so it was understandable.

On Monday my mailbox was overflowing with mail, and most of it was profane to man and god. A lot of it was just junk - coupons and unwanted mail and the like. I saw a few envelopes that had drawings of penises on them, and others that were addressed to "Fuck You I Hate You." I also got tons of spam - someone had printed out their spam e-mail and mailed them to me.

On Tuesday, I was targeted by a direct mail company that had my address somehow. Now I get special offers for everything. And they know everything about me - what I like, what my habits are, mostly from magazine subscriptions (which don't come anymore).

And on it went. At Christmastime I didn't get any cards, despite relatives who say that they sent them. They withheld all mail on my birthday - my box was empty. And I never receive mail with my name on it anymore - always "Occupant" or "Resident" or "Spineless Douchebag."

I could complain - and I did, loudly - but in the end I am happy with my decision. I keep every piece of mail that comes my way. My place is overflowing with letters. I am thinking of making an archive and an index.

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