Monday, January 25, 2010

Story #50 - Wouldn't Stop Talking

Hi everyone, it is the 50th story on LOBD! It would be more impressive if it was a year ago, but still I think it is okay.

I wrote this story on a plane, a fact which has nothing to do with its content. Enjoy!

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Wouldn't Stop Talking
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

One day I decided not to stop talking. I would just go on and on no matter what it was. I went to the supermarket. When the checkout person asked me how I was, I said, "Everything is fine and nothing is wrong! The weather is the way it has been for the last two days. I don't think that there are any problems, except for obvious ones. Look at this orange I am buying. I chose it because it is the very best orange. I think I would like to make some orange slices with it. I am going to pay by debit, by the way. That is a good option." Etcetera, etcetera. You get the idea.

I kept talking on my way out the doors, just about how i was and what was going on that day. I was talking whether or not people wanted to listen. Most people saw me coming and instinctively jumped out of the way, until I was the only one left on the sidewalk. Eventually I got to work and I kept talking there too. I could feel m voice blending in with the persistent hum in the office. A co-worker eventually threw her paper-mâché potato tomato at me, which hurt, but I still wouldn't stop.

In fact, I only stopped talking, finally, when I was hit over the head with a folding chair many, many times. Even then I tried to say something, but they kept hitting me until they had knocked all my teeth out, one by one. Talking was difficult after that. I'm told that I did slip into unconsciousness after a while. I woke up in the exact same position, surrounded by my teeth.

I'm not worried about them. I'm sure they'll grow back.

***

Monday, January 18, 2010

Story #49 - Third Rail

I know this is a bit late, but I hope you enjoy it just the same. Thank you for reading.

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Third Rail
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I mean, it's right there, isn't it? All white and gleaming and tempting me, with big signs saying "DANGER" and pictures of men getting zapped by lightning bolts. First of all, what's more metal than that? And secondly, how could they possibly mean it? I thought they were bluffing.

So one night, after the trains stopped running, I jumped onto the track and reached my hand out to the third rail. And yes, I did have visions of unicorns and barren, war-torn landscapes, and mutant dogs and tanks. I had a double-edged sword that I kept in a sheath by my side, and boots that were tacky and out of place. It was up to me to liberate the people from the tyrannical army that ruled the city, one that oppressed freedoms and hated cupcakes. And I would fight until I was dead.

I woke up in a hospital. A drunk had found me, taken any possessions I had, and called an ambulance. That was nice of him or her. It is good to know that there are strangers who will look out for you.

***

Monday, January 11, 2010

Story #48 - Jumped On A Car

Hi everyone! Here is this week's story, and I hope you enjoy it.

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Jumped On A Car
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

It's always been a dream of mine to jump onto the hood of a moving car. So I went to the nearest bridge that overlooked a highway. It was midday, and the cars were moving freely. I waited. I saw one coming up that looked old, and a had a wide front. I readied myself, waited until it disappeared under the bridge, and leaped.

I landed right on the hood. And it was awesome. Of course, once I was there, I had to think about holding onto something, so I grabbed on to the front of the hood, near the windshield. The driver was a man, probably 40s, who had a thick beard. He looked upset for some reason. He swerved his car all over the road, but I held on. I started to get up, and I made my way to the roof. He was still swerving, but I knew what I was doing.

Then he slammed on the brake, and I flew once more, this time into the grill of an oncoming truck.

But guess what? Turns out it's all his fault, at least according to the court documents.

***

Monday, January 4, 2010

Story #47 - Forgot to Breathe

Happy new year! I hope your 2010 is a good one. Here is a story that has nothing to do with anything.

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Forgot to Breathe
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

One day I simply forgot to breathe. Just forgot. Like you would forget your car keys, or to wash your dog. It just didn't cross my mind.

It was interesting at first - why am I experiencing so much pain? - but once I remembered, I did my best to keep forgetting. I tried thinking about other things - birds, small rocks, a trip to Tulsa - but the memory persisted. I didn't want to not breathe. It's just that I wanted not to recall how.

Eventually I collapsed on the floor, the weight of memory (or something else) pressing down on me.

Reader, I did not suffocate to death. Instead I passed out for a while, until my body, filling with air, remembered all on its own.

I feel a bit cheated.

***