I wrote this story on a plane, a fact which has nothing to do with its content. Enjoy!
Wouldn't Stop Talking
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
One day I decided not to stop talking. I would just go on and on no matter what it was. I went to the supermarket. When the checkout person asked me how I was, I said, "Everything is fine and nothing is wrong! The weather is the way it has been for the last two days. I don't think that there are any problems, except for obvious ones. Look at this orange I am buying. I chose it because it is the very best orange. I think I would like to make some orange slices with it. I am going to pay by debit, by the way. That is a good option." Etcetera, etcetera. You get the idea.
I kept talking on my way out the doors, just about how i was and what was going on that day. I was talking whether or not people wanted to listen. Most people saw me coming and instinctively jumped out of the way, until I was the only one left on the sidewalk. Eventually I got to work and I kept talking there too. I could feel m voice blending in with the persistent hum in the office. A co-worker eventually threw her paper-mâché potato tomato at me, which hurt, but I still wouldn't stop.
In fact, I only stopped talking, finally, when I was hit over the head with a folding chair many, many times. Even then I tried to say something, but they kept hitting me until they had knocked all my teeth out, one by one. Talking was difficult after that. I'm told that I did slip into unconsciousness after a while. I woke up in the exact same position, surrounded by my teeth.
I'm not worried about them. I'm sure they'll grow back.