Monday, February 22, 2010

Story #53 - Clicked On Spam

Hello! Here is a story about something that, I am sure, you have thought about at least once in your life. (By reading this story I am assuming you have been on the internet before.)

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Clicked on Spam
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I got an email today. It was a series of random letters and numbers and symbols, with a link at the end. And you know what? I said fuck it. I clicked on it. It assisted me in deleting most of the things on my computer.

There were more emails, promising me 80% off something, I don't even know what. I clicked on that too. It was refreshing not to worry about handing over my personal information. It was joy. I clicked on every spam email I had in my folder. Yes, I am interested in your money. Yes, I do want prescription Viagra. Yes, you can do whatever you want with me. I am yours.

I went to the seediest websites I could find. I was the 1,000,000th viewer on all of them, and I made sure they knew. I won the lottery over and over again. There were girls from my hometown who, I was promised, wanted nothing more than to fuck me that night. I was available. I wanted everything they could sell me, and more.

It was good to do this, to make a fresh start. To give everything away. I didn't want my own life anyway. Let someone else become me. Then I'll become someone else too.

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Monday, February 15, 2010

Story #52 - Fought A Tiger

Hi everyone! I hope you like the new layout! It was designed by none other than Betsy Haibel, the greatest person on this earth. (Fact.) Here is a new story to celebrate. And because it's Monday night. But whatever!

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Fought A Tiger
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I don't know why I wanted to do it, but it had been a dream of mine. Was it the movies? Or did I think that, by doing this, I would become a person?

Either way, I jumped over the fence at the zoo into the tiger habitat. There were some big cats there, and they were all asleep. Well, that was no good. I cleared my throat. "Hello," I said. Then a bit louder. "Meow," I said. It would be dishonorable to fight a sleeping tiger. So I waited. Eventually I decided to just hang around until they woke. I saw some meat over by the side, and figured, if it's good enough for tigers, it's good enough for me. I went over and picked it up. Then they woke up.

Finally. I threw the meat aside and faced one of them. I started to say something I had practiced before - "Long have I prepared for this day of battle!" - but then the tiger started running at me and growling. It was a lot faster than Wikipedia had told me. Still, I managed to grab hold of it by the arms as it pounced on me. It knocked me on to my back. The other tigers watched with disinterest. I tried all my best fighting moves - namely, punching it in the face a few times and kicking it - but I will admit, the tiger got the best of me, and was a natural fighter. Also he had teeth and claws. Fair enough. But I was doing it. I was living my dream.

I managed to stay alive - several formerly important organs were removed, but that's no matter. I did it. Ladies and gentlemen, I fought a tiger. And it was good. Course I'm on life support now, but, hey. You've only got one life anyway.

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Monday, February 8, 2010

Poem #2 - Untitled by Josh Gottlieb-Miller

Hi everyone! I am extremely pleased to bring you LOBD's 2nd poem! We have a prose poem by none other than Josh Gottlieb-Miller, a gentleman and scholar who is currently in the MFA program at University of Houston. He wrote a different poem once for this site, over here. Please enjoy his works!

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Untitled
by Josh Gottlieb-Miller

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions, but I kept behaving like a tourist. To live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions. I kept hedging my bets and betting against my mother. I joined a subversive party, but I became an informer. I visited pornographic sites but only as research for a project. Even the decision to live in the land of bad decisions I began to question. I took sides. I drew up maps in case of any and all emergencies. I started double-checking my locks, the knobs on the gas stove, the light inside the refrigerator. I bought an electronic bug detector. I bought electronic bugs. I would have bugged my friends but I didn’t trust them. I bugged myself. I destroyed the records of my buggings, the tapes and the transcripts, the eyewitness accounts. I started over. I moved by night over the border. I registered myself with religious authorities. I asked them what they wanted me to do. I made sacrifices to the Gods of the land of good decisions. I invented old proverbs that satisfied my conditions: If you want happiness, prepare for incontinence. If you want peace, prepare re-zoning regulations. I read a story by someone I admired and told him it was good. I listened to my enemies and told them they were right. I was happy. I was alive. If you want to be alive, prepare to not die.

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Monday, February 1, 2010

Story #51 - Didn't Move

Hi everyone! Happy February, if you are interested in February. Here is a new story, and I hope you enjoy it.

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Didn't Move
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was sitting in a booth at Hamburger Spain, having just finished my burger y queso, when I decided that I wasn’t going to move anymore. So I dropped my hands down to my lap and sat there, motionless, staring off into the distance. Luckily it was the window, so I got to see outside. It was not a nice day, having rained for the last few hours.

At first it was an endurance test. I really wanted to blink, or to scratch my nose, or straighten my hair. But then I realize it should be a test for everyone else – how would they react to me?

Other customers avoided me. One person asked, “Is this seat taken?” and then backed away slowly when I didn’t acknowledge them. Someone once sat in my line of sight, but they couldn’t handle my blank gaze.

Eventually the sky darkened and the restaurant was going to close up. The manager came. “Sir,” he said. “You’re going to have to leave.” But I was already in my rhythm, having sat still for hours and hours. He wouldn't move me.

“Ah,” he said. “I know how this is done.” He got into the seat across from me and stared at me. And he didn't move. He stared deep into my eyes. And it was unsettling, and I was scared. But I wouldn't stop. And neither, it seemed, would he.

And then his co-worker whacked me on the head with a hot frying pan, and I blacked out. But, you know. I felt like I still won.

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