Hi everyone! I hope you like the new layout! It was designed by none other than Betsy Haibel, the greatest person on this earth. (Fact.) Here is a new story to celebrate. And because it's Monday night. But whatever!
Fought A Tiger
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
I don't know why I wanted to do it, but it had been a dream of mine. Was it the movies? Or did I think that, by doing this, I would become a person?
Either way, I jumped over the fence at the zoo into the tiger habitat. There were some big cats there, and they were all asleep. Well, that was no good. I cleared my throat. "Hello," I said. Then a bit louder. "Meow," I said. It would be dishonorable to fight a sleeping tiger. So I waited. Eventually I decided to just hang around until they woke. I saw some meat over by the side, and figured, if it's good enough for tigers, it's good enough for me. I went over and picked it up. Then they woke up.
Finally. I threw the meat aside and faced one of them. I started to say something I had practiced before - "Long have I prepared for this day of battle!" - but then the tiger started running at me and growling. It was a lot faster than Wikipedia had told me. Still, I managed to grab hold of it by the arms as it pounced on me. It knocked me on to my back. The other tigers watched with disinterest. I tried all my best fighting moves - namely, punching it in the face a few times and kicking it - but I will admit, the tiger got the best of me, and was a natural fighter. Also he had teeth and claws. Fair enough. But I was doing it. I was living my dream.
I managed to stay alive - several formerly important organs were removed, but that's no matter. I did it. Ladies and gentlemen, I fought a tiger. And it was good. Course I'm on life support now, but, hey. You've only got one life anyway.