Greetings! I hope you enjoy this story. Please take care of yourself. Happy Let's All Kill Julius Caesar Day!
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
My dog does this thing where, when a car goes by, he chases after it. So I thought, why can't i do the same thing? I stayed outside my house and waited. A car passed by. I ran after it. The car went even faster. I caught up with it. It was at a stop sign. Then the car door opened, and a man came out with an ice scraper. "Stay the fuck away," he said. "Stay the fuck away from me."
One bandage later, I went downtown and tried to chase cars there. Only, because of the traffic lights and the horrible gridlock, it was way too easy. I walked in between the lanes, banging my hand on the backs of cars. Only a couple of people pulled out their guns. Mostly they just wanted to know why I was hurting them. They were very protective.
I realized my problem - the cars were too slow for me. I needed to go somewhere they were fast. So I headed out to the freeway. It was amazing! It wasn't rush hour, so there were cars there going at like 80 mph. A few passed me by, and I ran after them. This time they were too fast. Even in the slower lanes, I couldn't keep up. But still, the chase. I ran after them until I got tired. I felt so good.
Then, well, you can guess what happened. The first pileup, the one with two cars, I'll admit that was probably my fault. But 18 cars later? Man, people need to be more attentive on the road.