The Month of Bad Decisions only has one week left! Can you believe it? Here's today's story, and please do submit your own for the site. In the meantime, you can catch up with the rest of this month here.
Insulting a Zebra
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
I read a poll once that said that zebras were the worst animals. I personally didn’t agree, but I thought that they could be made fun of. So I went up to the nearest zebra and said, “hey, look at this poll.” I showed him the results. The zebra seemed impassive, but I could tell that he was secretly hurt.
“Hey, what’s more useless than a zebra?” I said. “Oh wait, nothing. Sorry, I keep forgetting that.” The zebra looked in my direction, then looked away. Clearly he did not want to respond. But that wasn’t good enough. “What do you call a zebra with no legs?” I said. I couldn’t think of an answer, so I said “Who even cares!” It wasn’t a great joke, but the zebra still didn’t respond. So then I just started calling it names like “worthless” and “stupid” and “stripey.” The zebra eventually wandered off, and I assumed I had won and that the zebra was going to go home and think about its uselessness.
When I got home I was the subject of a scathing post on the zebra’s blog, and he received 1,526 comments all agreeing that I was the worst person in the world. My IP address was blocked from all websites, ever, including email. I was also evicted from my home, due to complaints from neighbors that I was too shitty to be around. So I am thinking of ways to get back at that zebra. I am thinking of writing a tell-all book.