Monday, May 31, 2010

Story #92 - Taking Down Street Signs

Hello, and happy Memorial Day (US)! I hope you are having a good holiday, and if not, then I am deeply sorry. Please enjoy this week's story.

Remember: I am always looking for submissions of stories, poems, audio, or anything for the site. Check the submission guidelines and send me an email. Thanks!

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Taking Down Street Signs
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was walking in my neighborhood when I saw a STOP sign in an intersection. I didn't feel like it needed to be there. So I found a nearby brick and removed the sign from its post, then hid it underneath some plants. I felt better now. Then I did this for the other three signs at the intersection.

I did the same to a street sign that I saw. I figured, if you don't know what street you're on, you don't deserve to know. I thought about replacing it with a sign that said "LEARN GEOGRAPHY."

Street signs aren't instructive. They're lazy. Do you really need to be reminded to drive slow if there are children around? And how many times the speed limit have to be posted, anyway? "DO NOT ENTER" signs impinges on our right to go anywhere we want. My brick and I were just trying to make a stand for freedom.

I was arrested so many times, you wouldn't believe.

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Monday, May 24, 2010

Story #91 - Stayed In The Shower

Hello everyone, here is a story for your Monday night. Please remember that I would like to read submissions from you, so please email me something to put on the website. I hope you enjoy today's story.

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Stayed in the Shower
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was taking a shower, and was about to turn the water off and head out, when I thought, wait, why am I doing that? Being in the shower is nice. It feels good to have warm water around me, and I like the water pressure coming out of the shower head. So instead I stayed in. I pulled the shower curtains closed tight. I wondered if I should turn the water off, but thought, no, if it's off then I'm just standing in an empty shower, and that's just silly.

After a few hours the water stopped being warm, which I expected, but it was okay. I had become acclimated to the warm water, and then as it became less warm I slowly got used to the increasing levels of coldness. So the cold water actually felt good, instead of terrible, as it usually does.

Eventually the water just shut off completely. This made me very upset. Is this not my apartment? Don't I get a choice in how much water I get to use in my average day? So as a protest I did leave the shower, but turned on every faucet I could think of. I left the water running in the sink, I started the dishwasher, I flushed the toilet twenty times. Of course, these all shut off eventually too. I was pissed. I wanted to yell angrily at my landlord, but he was out of town. Also being in the water so long meant I had trouble not being in water, so after my initial rush passed and the cold air started finding me, I had to hide.

I didn't come out for several days. I still might not - you should see my utility bill this month.

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Monday, May 17, 2010

Story #90 - Keyed Everyone's Car

Hello again! It is time now for another Land of Bad Decisions story. If you like it, please consider writing something of your own and sending it to me! Please enjoy this week's entry.

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Keyed Everyone's Car
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was leaving early from a baseball game (the team I liked was losing 1-17) when, drunk off of $10 beers, I came across the parking lot. After thinking only for a moment, I took my keys out of my pocket and ran them across the side of everyone’s car.

Personally I had a great time. At first I would try to think of interesting designs I could do, like drawing flowers or waves. Then I realized that what I really wanted was to hit every car in the parking lot. The game was in the 7th inning, and I only had so much time. So I ran from one end to the other, keys in both my hands, ruining everyone’s paint. It was so fulfilling when I got the last car, just in time for the game to be over. As people started walking to their cars, I was long gone, thinking they would never know it was me.

Here’s how they knew it was me: they traced the marks on the keys and found out which key it belonged to, and did that for every mark I made. They knew what keys were on my keychain. Then they put them together and figured out who would own this set of keys, referenced with who attended the game. This was enough evidence to put me in a jail for a little while.

I’m not even mad at anyone. I am genuinely impressed.

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Monday, May 10, 2010

Story #89 - Tried To Break A Tree By Kicking It

The Land of Bad Decisions is back! Once again I'll be posting something new every Monday night. I hope that you enjoyed the Month of Bad Decisions, something that I'll definitely do again next April. Thanks for reading and for sending in your submissions.

And just a reminder - I take submissions year round. And also I just want to clarify, I will almost never reject anything you send to me. I want to hear different voices of different writers, talking about their own bad decisions. So write something and submit! In the meantime, enjoy today's story.

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Tried to Break a Tree by Kicking It
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was walking in the woods when I heard a loud snap. I looked down to see that I had stepped on a small twig, breaking it. This, I decided, was a great idea. I went around looking for other twigs, branches, and roots that I could break with my feet. It was a good way to spend an afternoon. But I wanted more. I wanted to break a tree.

I knew I couldn’t break something like an oak tree. But I didn’t want to break one of those skinny trees you see in grocery store parking lots. I wanted the real thing. I settled on a cedar tree in the middle of the forest that I thought no one would miss. “Okay,” I said. “It is you and me.” Then I imagined the tree had a face, and kicked it in the face.

Of course it didn’t work. But I tried again, and again and again. I barely made any dent in the tree. I tried many different spots, hoping that this would be the tree’s center of gravity and/or weak spot. No luck. I wasn’t convinced, though, that it was due to my lack of leg strength. I stood a few feet away, reared up, got a running start, jumped and stuck my leg out.

I completely fucking missed. I landed on my leg funny. I had to be medivaced and undergo physical therapy. You win this round, tree, but next time? Watch your ass.

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