Hello! I hope you enjoyed your 4th of July / Canada Day celebrations. If you have a bad decision story you would like to share, let me know! I personally did not make any decisions that were too bad, but I know that these people did. In any case, please enjoy today's story.
Took Soccer Dives
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
I was sitting on the train, reading a newspaper, when a man accidentally hit me on the back of the head as he was walking past. "I'm sorry," he said.
There was a split second where I wondered what I was going to do, and then my decision was made. I hurled myself onto the ground, holding my head, turning myself over, and crying. I tried to tear out some of my hair for good measure. After that I sprawled into kind of a spread eagle position, face down on the floor, hoping that I could will myself to bleed.
After a while I looked up. The man who hit me had gotten off the train minutes earlier. Everyone else was back to reading their newspapers. Not even the train security guy was looking at me. I stood up, brushed off a stray candy wrapper, and sat down. I wondered if I ought to go to the hospital.
I decided that I needed to try this in a more public place. I got off the train downtown, and headed toward a big crowd. I waited until someone bumped my shoulder, then took to the sidewalk (which actually hurt even more) and curled up into a little fetal ball, sobbing, asking somebody, anybody to help me. What was I waiting for? I wasn't hoping to punish anybody, nor did I actually wanted help. What I really wanted was a circle to form, where I would be in the center, and everybody would be looking at me. However, this never happened.
Eventually I got fed up and started hitting people on purpose, then falling down in agony. It still didn't work. Eventually I punched a cop. He didn't buy my story that he broke my hand, but he did help me out with my technique by tasering the shit out of me.
Out of all of this, if it can be said that I learned anything, it was that there are times when taking dives is appropriate and there are times when this is not appropriate.