Hello everyone! Here is your extra special Tuesday edition of LOBD! Because, um, I sort of forgot to update last night. But it is okay! Because here it is. You know, I'd be able to have a tighter schedule - and undoubtedly better entries - if I had more submissions. Check out the submission guidelines, and send some along. I hope you enjoy today's story.
Ate a Bottle of Shampoo
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
I was taking a shower, and I noticed that the bottle of shampoo didn't have any warnings against eating any of it. So I immediately thought that what I should do is take the bottle, open it with a knife and fork, and see what it was like to eat. So that's exactly what I did.
After I got dressed, I grabbed the bottle and put it on a plate. I got out a butter knife, but of course it wasn't strong enough to cut the bottle. So I grabbed a much better knife that I had bought from a traveling salesman a few years back. This one lived up to its promise. It cut the bottle smoothly and evenly. The shampoo itself started oozing out in a thick globule, sort of spreading around my plate. I cut a chunk of the bottle into a bite-size portion, and ate into it.
Not surprisingly, the bottle was the most flavor. It tasted like smooth plastic, not coarse like a lego toy, more of a cheap three-ring binder. The shampoo itself actually had no taste. I wasn't milky enough, like I thought it would be. It was actually kind of difficult to eat. It was a bit thick, a bit like old yogurt.
Even so, I managed to finish the whole thing. After that I felt a bit funny. I wondered, should I call poison control? And I decided: no. I would wait this out. I sat there, staring at the wall. Then I ended up calling poison control anyway. Oh, how they laughed and laughed.