Saturday, April 30, 2011

Story #130 - Fell Short of Expectations - MBD #30

This concludes another Month of Bad Decisions! 30 stories in 30 days! Thanks for reading. I'm not sure if there will be another LOBD until next April, but if you'd like to submit something for the site then please do!

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Fell Short of Expectations
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

When I was a kid, my mom told me that I was a straight A student, that I was a good person, that I was going to have a good life. So I decided that she was wrong.

I did badly in school, and eventually dropped out of high school. I stole, lied, cheated. I made sure that whenever I needed to do the right thing, I always did the opposite.

I got into hard drugs almost immediately. I ran away from home and started living on the street, in a different town, a different state. I made very few friends and got into very many fights. I tried going to rehab, but I knew that that would be too helpful for me.

And I made sure my family knew what I was doing. They needed to see that I was not going to take care of myself. That I was going to fail at everything I tried to do, and that it was my decision to do so. I think they eventually did realize that I would never live up to whatever they had thought I would.

I feel fine. It's a decision that I live with, and that I think matters to me. In any case I think that I feel better than I would otherwise. All I want is for you not to remember me.

***

Friday, April 29, 2011

Story #129 - Plagiarized - MBD #29

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Plagiarized
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I have a book coming out that is an entire copy of a different book that not many people have read. It is the exact same words, just with my name and different title. You'll like it! Maybe. Honestly I haven't read it. I got a PDF, transferred all the words into a different book, and sent it to a publisher.

My feeling is - this book has already been published, so that must mean it was good enough to get published, and therefore it must be accepted. No more rejected manuscripts! Only things that have worked. Perfect.

I honestly did not expect the author of the original book to get in contact with me, nor for the death threats sent my way. Come on! It's not like this is a new phenomenon. These things happen all the time. It is just a way that people live their lives.

***

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Story #128 - Crashed A Car Into A Potato Chip - MBD #28

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Crashed A Car Into A Potato Chip
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I set up a potato chip, hung in mid-air by a string, suspended from a nearby tree. Then I got in a car at least a few hundred feet away, put the pedal to the floor, and smashed right into that fucking chip. It was unrecognizable by the time I passed by. In fact, I think it might have been entirely vaporized. There was no trace of it. whatever pieces it exploded into were so tiny that they were rendered insignificant. Maybe on the molecular level they exist? But who really gives a shit about that. For all intents and purposes, it was gone.

Sadly the car also crashed into that tree, and I had neglected to wear a seatbelt, and was thus launched out of the car and into the side of a nearby above-ground pool. But I don't want to dwell on that. You should have seen that chip. Motherfucking right.

***

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Story #127 - Cut Off My Own Finger - MBD #27

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Cut Off My Own Finger
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Ten fingers seem like way too many. What's wrong with nine? I wondered. It's a prime number (it isn't, but I didn't know that at the time). It just seemed right. So I had a friend help me to remove it, via a saw. It hurt like fuck at the time, and it required some intensive care. Luckily I cut off my finger next door to a hospital.

I do get phantom pains sometime, before remembering that I am only nine-fingered now. Typing is different. And if I hold something, it feels very strange. But other than that I have not noticed any major disruptions in my lifestyle. And I feel fine.

In fact, to tell the truth, I feel much more optimistic about life than ever before. Because, no matter what happens to me, I've already got nine fingers. It won't be so bad. I'll take whatever comes at me. In fact, I feel like I've got a lot of other unnecessary appendages too. What's with all these toes? Hold on a second.

***

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Story #126 - Procured Dangerous Chemicals - MBD #26

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Procured Dangerous Chemicals
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I needed to procure a few dangerous chemicals for a project I was working on, so I did just that. By "procure" I largely mean "stole," but it's all the same.

The method to procuring these chemicals is mostly to break into warehouses, storage silos, weapons test facilities, etc., usually in the dead of night, getting a van, wearing the proper protective gloves and goggles and so on, using a crowbar and a hedge clippers, blah blah blah. You'd be disgusted how much security there is at these places! Unless you weren't trying to break in, in which case you might actually feel pretty good about it.

It is very sad how I was eventually caught, which was by a dog at the throat outside of a gate. I was so close to realizing my project! Now the world will never have the large museum of dangerous chemicals I was setting up. Your loss, world.

***

Monday, April 25, 2011

Story #125 - Hid Out In A Library - MBD #25

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Hid Out In A Library
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

It was a major operation, that involving making a duplicate of the bathroom key and hiding out until everyone had left. Then I opened the door and spent the night in the library.

You'd think it would be a good idea, but in fact it was not. I had no interested in reading the thousands of books there. Nor did I have any way of using the equipment to play CDs or DVDs. I mostly wanted just to be somewhere that I didn't belong? I thought that the library was the easiest. I suppose I should have thought this through. I mean, without reading, what did I actually plan on doing there?

I mostly slept. In the morning I was found by two librarians, who bound me to a chair with a ducttape and called the police. I decided to make up stories that were more interesting than what actually happened. How I read through every book, making sure to take them all individually into the bathroom. Or how I knocked over all the shelves and replaced the books on them, one by one, in the wrong order. Or that I had brought a bottle of water and a fan and sat washing and drying them for hours.

Of course, because I said these things I was given a longer jail sentence, which really makes me wish I had kept my mouth shut.

***

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Story #124 - Brought An Antique Typewriter With Me To All Places - MBD #24

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Brought An Antique Typewriter With Me To All Places
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Imagine. You are in the grocery store. You are looking at different types of produce, trying to determine the best one. Suddenly in the background you hear: Click. Click click. Click click click. Ding! You turn around and there's me, next to the oranges, typing on a beautiful antique typewriter. Awesome, right?

Or: you are at the public library, doing research on something. You look over and I am there, happy as ever, typing away.

Or how about: you are at work, trying to get some work done. You see me, your co-worker, with an antique typewriter. All I am doing is typing, and having the greatest time.

Now imagine bringing a hammer to work, or the library, or what have you.

What I'm saying here is that you owe me at least two hundred dollars.

***

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Story #123 - Disrespected A Lemur - MBD #23

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Disrespected A Lemur
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

At the zoo I went to the lemur area, where a bunch of lemurs were playing on a little island that was their home. One lemur stared at me. I sort of maybe didn’t look at him. Then I got bothered by his constant stare, so I maybe made an extremely rude gesture and maybe shouted something, that was maybe in front of a few kids or maybe a school trip.

Long story short – I can’t go back to the zoo, ever. I blame the lemur. Obviously he has some serious pull there.

***

Friday, April 22, 2011

Story #122 - Used A Hang Glider Improperly - MBD #22

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Used A Hang Glider Improperly
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I went to the edge of a cliff with a hang glider, which I had no idea how to use. I didn't think it would be so hard. It looked completely easy - you just hold on to the thing, and then jump off. The wind carries you. Great.

When I landed in the ocean, surprised but otherwise unscathed, it occurred to me that I might have used it wrong. So I wondered how to use it. Was I supposed to turn it upside down? Sideways? Was I supposed to jump backwards from the cliff? Did I not have enough weight on me?

After these tests were carried out, I concluded that I probably should have asked someone before using it. Maybe I could have gotten that guy I stole the hang glider from to teach me.

***

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Story #121 - Brought Cesium To A Swimming Pool - MBD #21

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Brought Cesium To A Swimming Pool
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Hooray, it worked! Awesome!

And to those of you who can't recognize cesium from a distance: it's not my fault if you choose not to get out of the pool.

***

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Story #120 - Berated An Olympic Swim Team - MBD #20

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Berated An Olympic Swim Team
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

“You guys suck!” I yelled with my hands cupped around my mouth, to the Olympic swim team that I saw passing by.

“How did you get past security?” they said as they dried themselves after their practice.

“How did you not get past those Russians?” I said, referring to their silver medal finish in the Olympics of that year.

They started to run away.

“And can one of you learn to backstroke quickly, for fuck’s sake?” I said, as they exited the room.

Four security guards came in and removed my kidney.

***

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Story #119 - Combined Cheese With Things That Shouldn’t Be Combined With Cheese - MBD #19

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Combined Cheese With Things That Shouldn’t Be Combined With Cheese
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Here are some things I combined with cheese:

Walls. Grounds. Chimps. Small cats. Big cats. Kids. Children. Donkeys. Jeans. Windows. Monuments. Electrical outlets. Balconies. Statues. Tall buildings. Bungalows. Shacks. Sheds. Mains. Main Street. Heroin needles. Comic books. Records. Books of fiction. Books of non-fiction. Stores. Lamps. Lampposts. Night lights. Power wires. Birds. Angry Birds (the game). Monkey wrenches. Buzzsaws. Violins. A concert hall. Saxophonists. Twizzlers. Vietnam. Jet engines. Airliners. Hosts. Microphones. Libraries. Pieces of paper. Great works of art. Laundromats. Dehumidifiers. Miniature plastic stars. Soap. Performance-enhancing drugs. Twine. Feral rats. Sewers. The water supply. The mayor of the city. The bars of my jail cell.

What a mess.

***

Monday, April 18, 2011

Story #118 - Got On The Bad Side Of A Clown - MBD #18

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Got On The Bad Side Of A Clown
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was watching an unhealthy amount of old Batman re-runs, and I thought, what would it like to have a clown for an arch-nemesis? So I decided to find out.

I went to the circus and saw the performances. They were unmemorable. There was one clown whose only job was to stand there and make emphatic gestures. Other than his arms he did not move for the entire night.

So after the show I went and told him what I thought. He said nothing, but smiled the whole time. At least I think he did? He had that makeup on so I couldn’t tell. But anyway, I thought that my business was done.

Only I never heard back from him. I suppose that maybe I expected more of a revenge type scenario, but instead I got the one clown that was not completely evil.

So I sort of maybe escalated my attacks on this man (both verbal and physical). I maybe called him at his house, and maybe I stalked him from town to town. Who is to say.

The important thing is, he eventually did get his revenge on me. But it wasn’t even a clever clown revenge! It was a restraining order. That guy. Not even one laughing gas bomb. I hate to say it, but having a clown for a nemesis isn’t as great as it’s made out to be.

***

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Story #117 - Briefly Became A Cannibal - MBD #17

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Briefly Became A Cannibal
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Except this time it wasn’t worth it. I’m feeling better now, and I no longer have the all-encompassing craving for human flesh. So that’s good.

There’s only so many directions you can go, once you do this. Backwards really isn’t one of them. But with time and the proper training, I think I can maybe re-enter society.

I found a support group of other ex-cannibals, and we talk, have a few drinks, and let the healing process take place. We joke around now, it’s easier, we can relax, we don’t have insatiable bloodlust. Things are okay.

So that, I think, is probably my biggest weakness. But I can assure you that it will not affect my productivity or my hard work ethic. Do you have any other questions for me?

***

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Story #116 - Missed A Field Goal - MBD #16

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Missed A Field Goal
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Yes, I missed it on fucking purpose. What did you think? There was no wind, and I could have made it no problem. Instead I kicked way right.

Why? Because fuck this team and fuck you, that’s why, for thinking that any of this meant shit. You’re going to get upset because a football team, one that you’re not even on by the way, lost one game by a few points? None of this matters! There’s nothing to be gained from winning. It’s all a distraction. You should go home and think about your life. Sure, it was the playoffs, but I’m pretty sure no one really wanted to play another of these fucking games. Fuck this bullshit team and fuck everybody that cares about it.

You couldn’t see it from where you were sitting, but the arc of the ball from my vantage point was in the perfect shape of a middle finger.

***

Friday, April 15, 2011

Story #115 - Incinerated My Possessions - MBD #15

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Incinerated My Possessions
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I bought an incinerator from an old waste management site that was being sold due to economic troubles. Then I gathered everything I owned, and over several trips I managed to destroy all of them.

Industrial incinerators are no joke. I want to tell you sincerely that nothing I have experienced can compare to the sight of all of my possessions burning in the intense heat of a municipal waste building. It felt amazing, and I want to compare it to something but it is truly incomparable. I am still awestruck thinking about it.

The only downside was that after it was over, I had no possessions left, which is something I really should have thought about beforehand.

***

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Story #114 - Slapped A Stranger - MBD #14

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Slapped A Stranger
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was walking down a crowded street today in the middle of town. Someone approached me, coming very close, and I made a quick decision to slap him in the face.

In retrospect, he had done nothing wrong. He was probably jostled by someone else in the crowd, and came in to my field of vision. As I said, it was very quick, as if I had decided to react without even recognizing what was happening, which is probably an accurate description of how it went down.

Anyway he kind of stared at me for about a minute, then went on his way. I thought for some reason he was going to come after me or something? Maybe slap me back? I wondered if I had stumbled on the quickest possible way to start a fight. But no. I was free to go on my way, with only the judging eyes of the crowd following me.

It was in this moment when I tripped on a stray rock and fell to the ground.

***

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Story #113 - Stole A Priceless Artifact From A Museum - MBD #13

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Stole A Priceless Artifact From A Museum
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Say you’re in a museum and you want, say, a spoon or something that was used thousands of years ago. It’s very simple. It’s not like on television. Most museums don’t have elaborate, convoluted security systems. Sure, someone might get upset. But, and this is just me talking personally, stealing a priceless artifact was one of the easiest things I’ve ever done.

The problem is that you get bored. I mean, it’s really hard to stop at just one. But the things I go for are pretty much useless by our standard. Small pottery, a piece of an ancient ruin, an important speck of dust. There’s a reason why civilization progressed beyond that point. Some things have run their course.

And then after a while you forget it’s there, and once you remember you can’t find anyone who wants it, or you can’t show it to other people. It gets to be kind of sad. I had part of a handaxe from ancient Asia wrapped in a sweater vest, sitting in the back of a closet. It really is a lot of effort for not that much reward.

My hope is that, when I die, people will find my collection of things and work out what I did, and when, and how. Then they will finally know: I was a man of taste.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Story #112 - Lost All Of My Money Through Gambling - MBD #12

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Lost All Of My Money Through Gambling

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I went to the bank and closed my account, taking out everything I had. Then I went to a horse racetrack.

Here's how I did it: over the course of several hours, I placed bets on every horse that had the highest odds. My thinking was, if any of those horses win, I would get the most in return. It makes the most sense! How could it all have possibly gone wrong?

I left the racetrack without any money in the world. I wondered what I could do next. There were not many options. I decided the best thing I could do was to hospitalize myself. It's nice here! There is food sometimes.

***

Monday, April 11, 2011

Story #111 - Tried To Go To Space - MBD #11

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Tried To Go To Space
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I really wanted to go to space, but didn't want to spend all that time or money "going to school" or "becoming an astronaut." I read that the space program was being discontinued, so I knew that if I wanted to go to space, I had to do it myself.

My main point of reference was old cartoons. A giant catapult didn't work. Nor did running really fast. One thing that looked promising was a rocket sled. All I need was miles of track and some rockets (I had the sled part from earlier). But sadly, rockets are not easy to get in my state, and even when crossing border lines to a store, they didn't have anything that will "get a person to space," and didn't like it when I said that.

So I made a last ditch attempt - sneaking on to the next space shuttle flight. Sadly, however, it was delayed, and I was arrested, put on trial, convicted, and am now serving time. But, you know. Things happen. It's impossible to say, right now, with certainty, that the dream is over.

***

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Story #110 - Stood In A Public Toilet - MBD #10

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Stood In A Public Toilet
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Standing in a public toilet doesn't sound like fun, and I'll tell you the truth here: it's not. I just did it because I had never done it before.

What I did was I opened up the lid, kicked my shoes and socks off, and got in. It was surprisingly cold. I tried not to think about what I was doing, or why. If I even stopped to ask myself those questions, I would have immediately ran off and taken a three-day shower.

Which, granted, is what I ended up doing. But for about 12 seconds, I had no problems. I made a decision, and I did it. Standing there I thought, this is something that you could do every day, yet we always pass this opportunity by. Why does it take so long to finally get around to it? (Again, the answer to this question resulted in screaming and running away. But I like the process here, what led me to it.)

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Story #109 - Stopped Counting At 46 - MBD #9

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Stopped Counting At 46
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was overwhelmed. Way too much was going on. I needed a moment, and in that moment I decided that there was no possible higher number than 46.

And… I cannot tell you how much simpler my life has become since I changed my outlook. Suddenly, everything fell into place. I had a feeling that I could take care of everything, and was sure that it was all going to be alright.

For example, I had a lot of debts that needed to be paid. But then I realized that, all the debts totaled, it only amounted to $46 dollars. Which was good, because that was all the money that I had.

The weather only got to 46 degrees – in both Celsius and Fahrenheit. I made sure to dress for both mildly cold and extremely scorching hot weather, simultaneously.

And best of all, I never had to think about anything too hard. If a number came up, it was automatically less than 46, so there was no need to worry. I smiled, and I relaxed. Of course my house was repossessed, but that was no concern. I liked to sit on the grass and stare up into the sky, and tell myself that everything was okay.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Story #108 - Destroyed A Public Park Through Equipment - MBD #8

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Destroyed A Public Park Through Equipment
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Look, all I’m saying is, if you work at a construction site, and you leave one of the backhoes unmanned, I am going to take it.

The site was next to a public park, where a few people were off in a corner doing who knows what (having a picnic maybe). I drove onto the grass. The equipment was loud, and I was not wearing earplugs or even a hard hat. Still, I dug that shit deep into the ground. I wasn’t sure about the controls, but managed to figure out a little bit. I understood “up” and “down.”

I drove to random spots in the park, doing God’s work. You wouldn’t believe what the park looked like after I finished with it. It was a complete mess of dirt and ugliness. I left the backhoe running and stepped down, raising my arms in victory.

Of course I was arrested, that is the only thing that makes sense. But you tell me: Who won this battle, really? (It was me. I won the battle.)

***

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Story #107 - Used An Emergency Exit In A Non-Emergency - MBD #7

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Used An Emergency Exit In A Non-Emergency
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

They’re not serious, right? “Alarm will sound if door is opened?” Come on. There’s no way that anything will happen when I push this door.

When did I get to the hospital?

***

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Story #106 - Fell Down The Stairs - MBD #6

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Fell Down The Stairs
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I approached the stairs. They seemed approachable. I thought I would just throw myself down them, but it takes a lot of effort. There’s something in you that stops yourself from doing that – you reach out, steady yourself, catch yourself before you fall.

There are ways around that. You can close your eyes, but you have to make sure they are really closed, that you don’t open them at the last second. You have to not know what you’re doing. It will always take longer than you think it does. You’re waiting for the stairs to reach you, for just the first stair, but you keep waiting.

Then there’s my favorite way to trick yourself, which is being drunk. And thus, after several drinks (how many is not important), I successfully fell asleep in mid-air and fell down a flight of stairs. I woke up at the bottom.

This is the tricky part – because I was so drunk, I don’t have any memory of what it actually felt like. I remember beginning to fall, and based on the position I was in and the pain I felt when I woke up I knew that I had done it. But I don’t remember what happened during. There’s got to be a delicate balance of drunk, a fine triangulation point that will give me all of the memory and none of the self-preservation instinct. And one day, I will find it.

***

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Story #105 - Made A Lava Pit A Permanent Fixture In My House - MBD #5

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Made A Lava Pit A Permanent Fixture In My House
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

It wasn’t that different, just that when I had guests over, I now had to say, welcome, here, give me your jackets, oh and mind the lava pit.

It was quite large, taking up twelve square feet in my living room floor (where the rug used to be). It needed to be kept at a consistent temperature (hot). At first I thought of putting up a little bridge for people to cross it, but then I thought, no, that’s too much work. People can walk around it, it’s not like the ground slopes slightly and it is easy to lose your balance and fall into it.

Surprisingly, it is easy to forget when you have a lava pit in the middle of your house. It just becomes another piece of furniture, one recessed deep into the ground and filled with lava. It can be easy to wake up in the middle of the night, say, and not see it at first as you go to get some water. But it does not take much effort to remember.

One thing to keep in mind is upkeep. You need to make sure there is enough lava, and that it does not leave the pit, for example. This was one problem I encountered, and it was not easily taken care of.

It is tempting to say, this was a bad idea, or that I regret ever having put this in my house. But that is not entirely true. I’ve thought of abandoning my house, and just leaving this pit. But I always come back. Is it wrong to say that the thing that keeps me coming back, the thing that keeps me from having regret, is pride?

***

Monday, April 4, 2011

Story #104 - Pit Animals Against Each Other, For Fun - MBD #4

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Pit Animals Against Each Other, For Fun
by Dan Schwartz


I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

This is going to be great! I thought. I had it all planned out. A little pen. A dog and a cat. The dog would be a Labrador retriever, the cat a tabby. Those seem like popular animals. I put the dog in one corner of the pen, and the cat in the other corner. Okay! I said. Go for it! This is going to be good. I was so excited. I brought a seat out to the pen, just so that I could be on the edge of it. But nothing happened. The dog barked for a second, then turned towards me, then to the cat, then back to me, and came over wanting to be petted. The cat, for its part, licked itself and then jumped over the side of the pen. I had no choice but to pet the dog. Then I got up, saying, come back! I was saying this to the cat. But it had no interest in coming back. I sat back down. The dog ventured off on its own, in the opposite direction of the field. Sadly, this venture had left me bankrupt. My life was now in ruins. I had to sell the seat I was using. In my darkest moment I fond two rats, put them face to face, and urged them to fight. Instead they both bit me and ran away. Nothing was working out. Eventually I figured, what’s the use, and walked to the nearest emergency room. I have not seen an animal since.

***

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Story #103 - Punched My Way Through A Grocery Store - MBD #3

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Punched My Way Through A Grocery Store
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was in the grocery store, looking at various prices of fruits, when it occurred to me that a much better use of my time would be to start punching everyone in the whole fucking store.

And so it was. I walked up to the first guy, tapped him on the shoulder, and socked him in the face. Before anyone could react I was on to the next guy. And so on, and so on. I didn’t stop until the last person in the store had been punched.

This led to an awkward situation, as no one had actually been knocked out. They were just dazed for a few seconds. As I was leaving the store, I made the mistake of looking back, to see dozens of men and women charging after me.

I was honestly hoping that no one would mind. I figured out afterwards what my mistake had been. It is just as well. I still count it as a success that I managed to hit everyone in the store.

So far, I am happy to say, no one has attempted to copycat my shining achievement, my singular effort.

***

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Story #102 - Didn't Sleep - MBD #2

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Didn’t Sleep
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I have transcended sleep. I no longer need it to function as a person. Most people need to rest at some point in their lives, I’ve heard, but I found a way to do without it. Now I stay awake at all hours of the day. There is a lot of intravenous coffee involved. Plus several pills of an extralegal nature. And a device that I built myself, which I do not choose to go into detail about here.

What do I do with my time? Well, an awful lot of it is spent hallucinating. At first it was scary, when the spots before my eyes became real and asked me personal questions. But I’ve learned to cope with it. The strange things have become tangible. I can pick up, for example, something with a dog’s head and a purple amorphous body, and it will become upset with me. It is fun to try to avoid them, as in the street. You usually end up running into people, who shove you back on your way. It is very helpful to not have a direction in mind.

At night, although I have transcended sleep, I worry about staying in one place for too long. I have begun night bicycling. The best way I have found to do this is to have no reflecting surfaces, no flashing lights, no lights at all in fact, and no helmet. It is exhilarating. The combination of wind streams and constant fear make for quite an experience that can have me not even think about sleeping for a long time.

If you’re wondering how I cope with not sleeping, you are asking the wrong question. I left my old life behind. This has become my greatest goal. It is a part of who I am, forever. I am hoping to keep it this way.

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Friday, April 1, 2011

Story #101 - Ran Into A Burning Building For No Reason - MBD #1

Hello!

As T.S. Eliot once said, "April is the lousiest fucking month in the whole bullshit year," so to celebrate we are once again turning April into the Month of Bad Decisions!

For those who don't know, last year there was a new story posted every day of the month, and although LOBD has been on a hiatus for a while I am coming back to bring you a new story for every day in April.

Please enjoy, and thank you!

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Ran Into A Burning Building For No Reason
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was walking down a street when I saw flashing lights and smoke, and realized that there was a building that was burning down. I quickly bypassed the firefighters and rushed in. I wasn’t doing to save anyone – they had already gathered outside. And there was nothing in the building that I wanted to rescue. That wasn’t even on my mind. I just thought it would be interesting. It was an experience I hadn’t had, being in a building that was on fire. I stood and watched the flames cover the room, while people yelled at me from outside. “It’s ok,” I said, or tried to say, before smoke filled my mouth and I passed out.

I suppose that there are some experiences that it’s okay not to have. It is impossible to do everything in life. Sometimes it is okay if you miss out on something, even if it’s something that you thought you really wanted.

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