Pit Animals Against Each Other, For Fun
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
This is going to be great! I thought. I had it all planned out. A little pen. A dog and a cat. The dog would be a Labrador retriever, the cat a tabby. Those seem like popular animals. I put the dog in one corner of the pen, and the cat in the other corner. Okay! I said. Go for it! This is going to be good. I was so excited. I brought a seat out to the pen, just so that I could be on the edge of it. But nothing happened. The dog barked for a second, then turned towards me, then to the cat, then back to me, and came over wanting to be petted. The cat, for its part, licked itself and then jumped over the side of the pen. I had no choice but to pet the dog. Then I got up, saying, come back! I was saying this to the cat. But it had no interest in coming back. I sat back down. The dog ventured off on its own, in the opposite direction of the field. Sadly, this venture had left me bankrupt. My life was now in ruins. I had to sell the seat I was using. In my darkest moment I fond two rats, put them face to face, and urged them to fight. Instead they both bit me and ran away. Nothing was working out. Eventually I figured, what’s the use, and walked to the nearest emergency room. I have not seen an animal since.