Stole A Priceless Artifact From A Museum
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
Say you’re in a museum and you want, say, a spoon or something that was used thousands of years ago. It’s very simple. It’s not like on television. Most museums don’t have elaborate, convoluted security systems. Sure, someone might get upset. But, and this is just me talking personally, stealing a priceless artifact was one of the easiest things I’ve ever done.
The problem is that you get bored. I mean, it’s really hard to stop at just one. But the things I go for are pretty much useless by our standard. Small pottery, a piece of an ancient ruin, an important speck of dust. There’s a reason why civilization progressed beyond that point. Some things have run their course.
And then after a while you forget it’s there, and once you remember you can’t find anyone who wants it, or you can’t show it to other people. It gets to be kind of sad. I had part of a handaxe from ancient Asia wrapped in a sweater vest, sitting in the back of a closet. It really is a lot of effort for not that much reward.
My hope is that, when I die, people will find my collection of things and work out what I did, and when, and how. Then they will finally know: I was a man of taste.