Cut Off My Own Finger
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
Ten fingers seem like way too many. What's wrong with nine? I wondered. It's a prime number (it isn't, but I didn't know that at the time). It just seemed right. So I had a friend help me to remove it, via a saw. It hurt like fuck at the time, and it required some intensive care. Luckily I cut off my finger next door to a hospital.
I do get phantom pains sometime, before remembering that I am only nine-fingered now. Typing is different. And if I hold something, it feels very strange. But other than that I have not noticed any major disruptions in my lifestyle. And I feel fine.
In fact, to tell the truth, I feel much more optimistic about life than ever before. Because, no matter what happens to me, I've already got nine fingers. It won't be so bad. I'll take whatever comes at me. In fact, I feel like I've got a lot of other unnecessary appendages too. What's with all these toes? Hold on a second.