Monday, April 30, 2012

Story #160 - Somnambulized - MBD #30

This is the last story for the Month of Bad Decisions! Thanks for reading.

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Somnambulized
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Time to go to sleep. Only not. Because now's the time to somnabulize. It's time to wake sort of and walk around. Walk away. Walk towards the sunrise. Walk towards distant pyramids. Walk towards a future or a past. Walk towards a city garden. Walk towards an angry parked car. Walk towards a stray raccoon. Walk towards a great tower. Walk towards an explosion. Walk towards a bright, shining array of colors, splayed out over an endless source.

Keep going. Go to a cave. Go out of that cave. Go somewhere you've never been before. Go those 1,000 places that you are supposed to go to before you die. But keep living. Go, take it all in. You'll be everywhere you want and you will be everything you always wanted to be. And you won't even know it.

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Sunday, April 29, 2012

Story #159 - Jumped In A Lake - MBD #29

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Jumped In A Lake
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

This is a decisive time in your life. You NEED right now to get rid of all your things and go jump in a lake. I mean it. Turn off your computer. Turn off your phone and smash it with a hammer or other heavy object. Kick your TV out of a first-story window (it can be eaten by dogs, no harm to anyone). Just GO.

ISN"T THIS REFRESHING??? This is what you have been missing. This lake, right here, and you. Feel the cool water covering every part of you. Take it easy knowing that ducks swans snakes turtles and other life probably have no interest you and will carry on as though you were not there. Relax knowing that everything is alright forever.

Never get out of this lake. Never surface. Don't even think about it. Just stay there, and breathe. Forget everything else and it will all go away.

***

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Story #158 - Skydove Backwards - MBD #28

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Skydove Backwards
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I had only a few hours left! What to do! Skydiving is ofcourse the answer! But was there a way to do it... backwards???z??z?????/??/?? OF COURSE there is. So it's easy, just had to free myself from earthly bonds and the law of "gravity" (psh) and then that's it! You just need an airplane to "catch" you. NO PARACHUTE REQUIRED. Just watch out for blades... of GLORY! No wait, just blades, actually just watch out for blades.

Anyway I tried it. First I prepared by skydiving regularly, from one plane... to ANOTHER plane. SMART! No hiccups. So then it was time. I made sure the plane was above. I was the person. I would be the one. I released myself from "gravity" (again, psh) and dove upwards! You've never had an experience like this let me tell you. The only thing is you definitely need to time the "catch" right or the plane will miss you and you will have to reinstate "gravity" (oh yeah, that thing) and then it's just regular skydiving. So uh yeah you might actually want a parachute after all? It turns out

***

Friday, April 27, 2012

Story #157 - Created A Bottomless Pit - MBD #27

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Created A Bottomless Pit
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I always wanted a pit, so I thought really hard and hey, one appeared. Fantastic! Only thing to do is diive. Wheeeee!

OK this is fun but I think I would like to not be doing this anymore.

Hmm where is the bottom to this pit?

Fuck! OK I just have to think real hard again and one will appear.

What do you mean that doesn't work all the time???

Look I'm going to set my alarm on my phone and when it goes off this pit better have a fucking bottom.

Are we cool? Great.

***

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Story #156 - Befriended A Tornado - MBD #26


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Befriended A Tornado
by Dan Schwartz
 
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions. 
 
Hi! My name is [redacted]. How are you? I notice you are a tornado. That is fascinating! 

Its a good thing you are here. I am very interested in learning more about tornadoes. Where are you from? When you are pluralized, do you add the "e"? What's with all the wind and such? Is it dangerous? I have so many questions. Have you seen this checklist?

Anyway if you don't mind I am just going to sit over here. We can yell across this field at each other! Also I heard a rumor once about hallucinations? Listen, I don't want to stereotype, but can you tell me what is what?

All I want is an explanation of your existence. Also will you kindly not kill me? 

Aw, man.

***

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Story #155 - Started A Forest Fire - MBD #25

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Started A Forest Fire
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I had a song stuck in my head and I needed to get it out, so I built a hut made of only sticks. It was fun! But it needed to be vacated so I burned it.

In this way a forest fire sprung up. What fun! I thought to myself. I never thought I was capable of making one. This is great. Well I guess it is time to put it out. Here is my trusty fire snake, it swallows fire whole. Go on, it's ok. Yes, do your thing. Awesome! The fire has been extinguished. Score one for me.

Oh fuck, the snake has exploded and started a new fire! Shit! I forgot to bring a spare snake! This is why I always should travel with a rolling zoo.

Why does this always happen to me???

At least the fire isn't

***

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Story #154 - Sat Under A Tree - MBD #24

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Sat Under A Tree
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisoins. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

A tree came into my field of vision somehow. What a thing! It was so beautiful with its 0 amount of leaves and 23+ branches. Awesome!! So I sat under it. Good times. But a lightning storm! Oh no, you know where this is going. I did not move from the tree, and then a portal to hell opened up, and I was tormented by visions, etc. etc. I know you've heard this one before. When I got back, the rain had stopped but I was still under the tree. Nice! I high-fived myself.

A dog came and bit me and I needed to be hospitalized. Oh well, you can't have everything you want forever.

***

Monday, April 23, 2012

Story #153 - Threw Everything Into One Pile - MBD #23

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Threw Everything Into One Pile
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I had too much stuff! Look at all these books on this shelf. Welp, time to throw them on the floor in one pile. Hooray! Good. This is a good thing. Here are some more. Excuse me, I can't talk to you right now, I am throwing everything into one pile. Life is better! It is much easier to know where everything is now. "Where is that thing?" "Oh it's over here in this pile." Great!

The only problem is THIEVES and ARSONISTS aaaaaaahhhhhhhh I should have said Larcenists & Arsonists, that would have been better. But still! Motherfuckers know where my things are, they want to take them or burn them, come on guys! What's the deal? For real. Please go away.

Especially because now that everything is in one pile this is where I like to sleep!!!!!!!1!!11!111!! I mean come on my bed is in the pile anyway, might as well put it on the top. (Of course it is partially covered in other things, that is how a pile works.) But good LORD I never thought I would be this ANGRY at everyone. Just let me have my pile in piece, or I will put YOU in this pile, by that I mean your BONES because you will only be a SKELETON soon, do you get what I am getting at, this is a threat, do you understand that, aaaaahhh

Sorry, I got worked up. Anyway, give me more things and they will go onto this pile ASAP.

***

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Story #152 - Sat - MBD #22

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Sat
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was reading a whole mess of articles that said that sitting is basically the worst thing you could do. Sitting kills! the articles said. It's really bad for you, standing is better, get a standing desk, try not to sit so much. Well obviously my first reaction was to sit. There's no way! I thought. Fuck all these people. I'm never going to stand again!

Sadly as I sat down I was immediately killed. I hate to say it but all of those articles were right. So let this be a cautionary tale for you: Don't sit. Ever. It could take years off of your life.

***

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Story #151 - Reached The Earth's Core - MBD #21

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Reached The Earth's Core
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I had to dig deep! It's so exhausting you know. It's all the way down there in the center! The only thing keeping me sane was the idea that no matter where I was it would be the same distance away. Well that's not true. I actually made sure I was below sea level before I started. Maybe that was a bad idea? But no matter! All that matters is that my dream had been to reach the Earth's core, and I finally did. It was so exciting!

It doesn't matter that I melted in the process and am a ghost now, all that matters is that I did it! And don't worry, I have no plans to haunt the earth. Or do I???????????????? NO I don't. Or do -- I'm not going to fall into that trap, I will just ask you to kindly make your own conclusions. What kind of person am I?

***

Friday, April 20, 2012

Story #150 - Swam Across An Ocean - MBD #20

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Swam Across An Ocean
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

After learning how big an ocean was, I thought "That doesn't sound like much," and began to swim across one. I put my little aquatic floater pad things on my shoulders and set off. Well it was easy!!! It was so easy I am now selling a book called "EZ Ocean Swimming - Swim Across An Ocean NOW!" I was thinking of adding more exclamation points but I was unsure.

Anyway sadly this book did not become an international bestseller. I think this is due to the ebook wars (?). Also I lost my pants in the ocean, I am unable to pay for anything and am now laboring in extreme poverty. I guess the moral of this is never have a dream? Wait that's not good. Ok, the moral of this is buy my book! Please! It is the only book you'll ever need!

Don't throw it in a canyon please

***

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Story #149 - Farming Chickens - MBD #19

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Farming Chickens
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I wanted to farm some chickens, or should I say I wanted to PHARM some chickens because of the PHARMaceutical corporations & the things they gave me so that I could be a better PHARMer or something. These chickens will not know what is coming! But oh don't worry this will be a free range + organic naturally raised farm for these chickens, I am just giving them deadly chemicals, what is so wrong? This is how I am doing things. It's not like they will grow up to resent me or use their various disorders to attack me and my stuff. I am in the right! I will not be defeated!

Oh fuck I just got defeated.

***

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Story #148 - Broke A World Record - MBD #18

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Broke A World Record
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I had one opportunity. "This is it," I said. I jumped higher than any living man had done before. "Yes!" I said. "It's a world record!" I was proud of myself. I came down from the forest and told everyone. The book person came with me, he had been there to record it. I did it! I accomplished a dream!

But what people don't know is that I broke the record out of spite! You see the previous world record holder for highest jump had killed my family. I know it is a shame. So I got my revenge - this person is out of history books forever! Also I torched his house. Who cares! The world record will stand for all time.

But now people are coming at me, trying to break my record. Don't you understand?? This is IMPORTANT to me! This is my livelihood! How am I supposed to make 5,000 TV appearances if you take my record away from me? Maybe you need to be jumped over... into your GRAVE! Wait that didn't work. I'm not the one jumping into your grave. Because I jumped over you, anywhere you stand will become your grave. Good? Yes.

So everyone should watch out if you try to break my world record because I am going to hold on to it the only way I know how. Incidentally, the only way I know how is "murder."

***

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Story #147 - Started A Blog - MBD #17

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Started A Blog
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I had a dream, an endless dream, and I thought it was important to share my dream. So I started a blog. But THEN it got attacked by COMMENTERS and I had no way to defend myself. So I shut it down. Then I threw my computer down a flight of stairs due to anger. Later I threw another person's computer down a different flight of stairs. I think that also might have been due to anger but I am not sure.

After that I made several fires around town, I suppose that was a little unrelated but I do not think so, I mean if a man just likes to start fires then what is the harm? This is what I told myself. Look there shouldn't be any difficulties between you and I, all I want is some respect.

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Monday, April 16, 2012

Story #146 - Met A Tiger - MBD #16

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Met A Tiger
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

You know how it goes, you meet a tiger and you think "Good times, it'll be like that movie" but it isn't it's like a different movie where you get eaten. What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

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Sunday, April 15, 2012

Story #145 - Caused A Scene At A Hardware Store - MBD #15

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Caused A Scene At A Hardware Store
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I had a moment the other day. That was weird, so I stopped it. I was going to the hardware store when I thought the best thing to do was start something, so I took a paint can from the shelf and threw it at a guy, then I took a saw from a different shelf and threw it at a different guy, then I was spreading screws everywhere and whipping batteries at people, and it was all well and good until the Earth opened up and swallowed me whole, and a voice from nowhere said "Now You Will Be Judged" and a history of my entire life went by in one second, and I was cast head first into an abyss, and it's so dark and cold, don't you know, it's abyssmal GET IT??? HA HA anyway it really sucks and I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have done anything, but luckily I kept one of the screws I was holding and I stare at it for hours on end. What an intricate design! I never would have thought of anything like that.

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Saturday, April 14, 2012

Story #144 - Threw My Phone Out The Window - MBD #14

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Threw My Phone Out The Window
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was sewing my mouth shut when the phone rang! How embarrassing. "Hello?" I said. There was just heavy breathing on the other end, so I breathed heavier too, until I was wheezing and spitting all over everywhere, and I said "Watch out" and hung up. Good times. Well I had to lie down for a little bit after that but when I got up I thought, why not throw my fucking phone out the window?

So I did, and it hit a small child. AAaaaaaaaaaaargh look I didn't mean it, I know I know I have to go to jail but come on what the fuck!! At least it didn't hit a cat or anything. Look I'll pay the damages man just give me a break. I'm already having a rough day as it is. Aw maaaan this sucks.

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Friday, April 13, 2012

Story #143 - Blocked Out The Sun - MBD #13

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Blocked Out The Sun
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was going to block out the sun because I was tired of its rays and its shining all the time so what I did I jumped off from Earth and with my suit on I went to the sun and said, "Hey, what's all this, why, why did you do this," and the sun didn' talk cause it's made of gas or something. So I was like "Fuck you" and used a rocketship. But don't you know that the sun is a middle-class star and it's full of Earths??? So damn it.

There had to be another way. I figured the best way was "emotional therapy" so I tried talking to the sun, trying to figure out its problems so it would go away. But it didn't work, the sun had too much confidence and wouldn't listen to me or engage with me. Nothing is working! So I decided I would just try to live in a permanent eclipse. I guess it was selfish to try to block it out for everyone, I would just block it out for me!!! So this is why I have a permanent black box over my head. How are you?

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Thursday, April 12, 2012

Story #142 - Learned a Foreign Language - MBD #12

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Learned A Foreign Language
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was going to learn a foreign language. I had thought about it for days and this was owhat I wanted to do. But I didn't have time (who has time?) so I came up with an ingenious idea. It's called "drilling." By this method, foreign languages are literally "drilled" into your head with "drills" of knowledge. You just need a few "drills" in order to do this. I started with verbs, then nouns, then adjectives, then tenses (future, past, preterite (???)) until I completely understood it! And the "drill" doesn't really hurt, not that much, I mean you will have a knowledge hole in your head but that's ok! And it only takes two hours to do! Find an unlicensed "educator" and begin today!!!

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Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Story #141 - Bled Everywhere - MBD #11

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Bled Everywhere
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I bled everywhere! It was an accomplishment! I started with the Statue of Liberty. They were pretty upset when I did that but I think it's ok don't you? Then it was off to the Golden Gate Bridge but to be honest no one noticed, it kind of blended in. Well that covers America, oh wait shit I forgot about Hawaii, ok that's done now. Great! Off to other lands. I hope they take kindly to me.

YOU can have some of my blood at an amazing 50% off! Just call a toll free number. Any one, it doesn't matter really.

***

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Story #140 - Followed Sharks - MBD #10

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Followed Sharks
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was walking and I wasn't sure about the problems but then sharks came and went and I wanted to follow them, I wanted to figure out their natural habitats. So I dove in. Then I came back out, bought a submarine, and went in after properly this time.

I found them in where they live. They were playing poker with their fins. One of them was about to fold. I used a "nuclear option." Oh no the sea

***

Monday, April 9, 2012

Story #139 - Tried A Bread - MBD #9

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Tried a Bread
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I had never had bread in my life before. I know, right? What is with that? But there are Reasons. So anyway I thought I should get over it and I tried one. But you know what happened, of course. It was stale. I should not have bought that bread and then waited six months to get around to it. I am a busy person. These things happen. Coincidentally I am in a hospital.

***

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Story #138 - Prevented A Car Crash - MBD #8

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Prevented A Car Crash
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

There was a car crash. I tried to stop it. I jumped right in the middle of it. But the cars didn't stop, and instead of preventing the car crash I became a victim of it. So, try again. This time a little before! I jumped up and down, waving a red flag. Still the same result. I think maybe they wanted to hit me this time. So one more time. What could I do? I did a cannonball into the ground and destroyed the road. The cars stopped, but they both drove into the newly created ditch. But good news! They did not hit each other.

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Saturday, April 7, 2012

Story #137 - Devoured A Wolf - MBD #7

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Devoured a Wolf
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I wolfed it! Hahahaha do you get it? Because there was a wolf that was alive until I decided it should be wolved by me, the wolf appreciated the irony hahaha but then it ate my stomach out. So did the wolf wolf itself? It's hard to tell. I should have thought this through. We could have talked it out! Next time I'll try not to be so combative. Both the wolf and I need to stop wolving. It's better for everyone.

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Friday, April 6, 2012

Story #136 - Trouts For Everyone - MBD #6

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Trouts for Everyone
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I took all the trout. All of it. From a river. From a supermarket. From an ocean. From your plate. And then I gave it to everyone. I had a truck. An 18-wheeler filled with trout. I drove to every country. (Some of this involved a boat.) And I gave you a trout. Yes, I gave it back to you, the one I took from your plate. I am the one who has them all, but they are for everyone. I suppose it is a shame that there will never be a trout again. But that's why we have to enjoy things while they last.

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Thursday, April 5, 2012

Story #135 - Mowed A Lawn - MBD #5

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Mowed a Lawn
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I mowed my neighbor's lawn. But she wasn't expecting me to. So she brought out a shotgun. "Get away," she said. "All I want is to mow everyone's lawn!" I said. "This neighborhood will be nicer if that happens." She fired a warning shot. "Go away," she said. "But!" I said. She fired a second shot. It hit the lawnmower. The lawnmower exploded. A pile of metal parts was all that was left. "Next shot's for you," she said.

"How could you?" I said. She cocked the shotgun. I thought that this was a good time to leave. I've got to remind myself not to do anything anymore.

***

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Story #134 - Saved A Whale - MBD #4

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Saved a Whale
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I saved a whale. A man with a piece of paper had exhorted me to. Now I have a whale. It was about to be eaten by a larger whale and I saved it. I said "look out!" and the whale swerved away and was not eaten. It was a great moment for us.

Now the whale feels it is in my debt. It brings me presents. The other day it brought me a bunch of plankton. I don't know how I feel about this. I said "Thank you," and took it inside. The whale made a noise. So I took the plankton inside and I ate it, just to please the whale. I hope it is happy.

The whale always wants to get together. I don't always have time. There isn't much I can say. All I want is a card at Christmas. We are friends but we don't have to see or think about each other all the time. It'll be all right.

***

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Story #133 - Jumped Out Of A Moving Train - MBD #3

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Jumped Out Of A Moving Train
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I'm on the train, you can see me on the train, time to jump! Oh no I have jumped the wrong way, not into the fields but into a vortex, oh no it's time to get sucked into the earth's core, oh why do I have to be this way. I should have known! Starboard, not port. Next time (if there is one) I'll remember.

Oh good, it's okay, this vortex put me onto some train tracks in space! Thank god for advanced civilization. I guess it all worked out. Now I'll just have to wait.

***

Monday, April 2, 2012

Story #132 - Tore A Bull In Half - MBD #2

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Tore A Bull In Half
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I am in a field. There is a bull. I walk up to the bull. It is strong. It is sturdy. But it is paper. I reach my hands out to the bull's middle and tear it in half. The bull is now in two. It lies on the ground in distinct parts. I have done my work. Good job.

The bull shuffles on the ground. It wants to gore me. It's horns are sharp. But it is in half. What harm can it do? But while I pay attention to one half the other half trips me up with its tail. I was not paying attention. Now I am the one on the ground. I have a small scratch. I have a paper cut. The bull comes towards me. It demands payment. It's not too late. It's not too late.

***

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Story #131 - Invented Cheese - MBD #1

Hi everyone! As T.S. Eliot once said, "April is just a fucking nightmare all around," and to celebrate here we present the Month of Bad Decisions! There will be a new LOBD story every day in April. Posts will go up around 12 pm each day. Please enjoy!

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Invented Cheese
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was making an omelet and I wanted cheese, but I didn't have cheese, and I realized, no, it's me, i'm the one, we're in old times, I have to be the one to invent cheese, it's all up to me, it's what I am. So I went outside to the nearest cow, the one on my porch, and I said, This is going to be okay, we're all going to be ok, and I milked the cow, the way I had seen it done, and in my head was history, saying this is ist, this is how we're going to do it, we're going to do it! We're making it happen! And the milk was collected in a bucket. But then a crash. What do I do now? How do I invent cheese? No, I'm so close, I can't give up, don't I just let it sit outside for a while? No I've got to do something, so I put it in a churn and I churned that motherfucker, but, wait, shit, that's butter, now I have butter, butter is cheese now, that is what it is, this is how it is going to be from now on. I'm sorry everyone.

***