Broke A World Record
by Dan Schwartz
I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.
I had one opportunity. "This is it," I said. I jumped higher than any living man had done before. "Yes!" I said. "It's a world record!" I was proud of myself. I came down from the forest and told everyone. The book person came with me, he had been there to record it. I did it! I accomplished a dream!
But what people don't know is that I broke the record out of spite! You see the previous world record holder for highest jump had killed my family. I know it is a shame. So I got my revenge - this person is out of history books forever! Also I torched his house. Who cares! The world record will stand for all time.
But now people are coming at me, trying to break my record. Don't you understand?? This is IMPORTANT to me! This is my livelihood! How am I supposed to make 5,000 TV appearances if you take my record away from me? Maybe you need to be jumped over... into your GRAVE! Wait that didn't work. I'm not the one jumping into your grave. Because I jumped over you, anywhere you stand will become your grave. Good? Yes.
So everyone should watch out if you try to break my world record because I am going to hold on to it the only way I know how. Incidentally, the only way I know how is "murder."