Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Story #190 - Made An Error - MBD #30

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Made An Error
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I made an error! In an excel spreadsheet! And now everything is terrible! Oh well! I guess everyone has to do what I say anyway. THIS IS HOW IT IS! THIS IS THE WAY THE WORLD IS! OK EVERYONE DO WHAT I SAY! IT DOESN"T MATTER WHAT HAPPENED! IT JUST HAPPENED!

SORRY ABOUT THE WORLD EVERYBODY

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Monday, April 29, 2013

Story #189 - Had A Vision - MBD #29

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Had A Vision
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I had a vision… it's not worth talking about though. Let's forget it ever happened. Instead would you like a product?? I've got so many to sell you. Specifically these incredibly sharp knives. It may seem unrelated (SPOILER: The vision was that I should become a knife salesman) but the truth is with these knives you can SLICE through uncertainty and DICE your way to clarity. Let's all achieve enlightenment!!! Oops I wasn't supposed to say that um these knives can cut a tomato in half, how many knives can do that??

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Sunday, April 28, 2013

Story #188 - Took A Class - MBD #28

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Took A Class
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Look we all know where this is going to go, I take a class and try to learn something, but I do a bad job of it and then something happens, and I either feel bad about it or go to a hospital. Let's get it over with.

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Saturday, April 27, 2013

Story #187 - Visited A Fishery - MBD #27

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Visited a Fishery
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I always wanted to go to a fishery! Let's go let's go right now! Come on come on let's go to the fishery let's go wait this is it what is this what are you doing to these fish oh my GOD! What the HELL! SHIT! Oh no all I wanted was a fish now everything is ruined please make it stop I'm so sorry! OK time to leave the fishery!

That was close, that was a close one, let's never do that again, let's never go anywhere like that again.

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Friday, April 26, 2013

Story #186 - Read A Book - MBD #26

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Read A Book
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was out of options so I read a book, but it didn't help me, I don't feel anything else after than I did before, what happened, you should have been specific about what book to read, I got one that was crap. Seriously I feel nothing! That was a huge waste of time! I guess I got some practice recognizing numbers and letters? Man I hate to say this but I think that was the worst thing I've ever done, man, I got to take a break and just think about this, I need some time.

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Thursday, April 25, 2013

Story #185 - Used An Acronym - MBD #25

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Used An Acronym
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Let's go SCUBA Diving! Now what does scuba stand for? Glad you asked, it's an "Acronym!" That stands for abbreviated synergy representing over nine-hundred of your mom! That's right! SCUBA is an "acronym" and it means simulated chutzpah underwater breathing apparatus. It's impossible and doesn't exist! See that's what an "acronym" is!

It's so easy that even YOU can use it, you being an "acronym" for you, only unimpressed! I see that you think this is a bad idea? Yes. It is. Thank you for your time.

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Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Story #184 - Became Disillusioned - MBD #24

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Became Disillusioned
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Everything turned out bad! I thought it was going to be ok and it wasn't! How did it happen??? What else is an illusion? Don't you see that

Sorry I lost myself there for a second don't you

It's a problem! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

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Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Story #183 - Updated My Status - MBD #23

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Updated My Status
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I saw that I hadn't posted a new status update in 3,243 days. That's so many! So I did one: "Doing ok!" Then I shared a friend's photo of an oversimplified political position. Problematic! But then I let it rest. I turned the computer off and folded it into an oversized garbage disposall.

I received a few "LIkes!" That's so great! "So' many "likes!" I hope that everyone who "liked" it actually did like it! That would be good and would make me feel fulfilled. But of course not having that many "likes" would be a gigantic failure.

If you'll excuse me I am going to look at my status for the next 2 years.

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Monday, April 22, 2013

Story #182 - Spoke - MBD #22

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Spoke
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Yes it's true. I said some words. It was regrettable. Everyone looked at me weird like what the fuck. OK. It is now true that I will not repeat that mistake. Instead I will communicate by writing. It cannot hurt anyone because now there are no words. There are no flaws. Oh no wait -- !

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Sunday, April 21, 2013

Story #181 - Drained A Battery - MBD #21

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Drained A Battery
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Like in a colander get it HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Let's all have a laugh let's laugh at the jokes these are jokes but also they are really real life things? They are things that happened and/or didn't happened? None of these things are even worthwhile they just exist now, they didn't before, anyway everything is on fire please send help

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Saturday, April 20, 2013

Story #180 - Ordered An Appletini - MBD #20

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Ordered An Appletini
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

"One appletini please," I said. "This is a bank" I was told. "OK" I said then I fled the country and moved to a houseboat off of the coast of a different continent. There are many amenities and refinements here. I have to keep curtains over the windows though because of 1)nosiness and 2)privacy. Those two things are actually the same thing. Okay.

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Friday, April 19, 2013

Story #179 - Spent A Night In A Haunted House - MBD #19

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Spent A Night In A Haunted House
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

It was terrible! The performers told me to leave but I kept insisting I wanted to sleep there! The manager said "son, you've got to go." But what about not doing that!?!?!!! Aw man come on guys! Someone told me, "It's time to go home." Fuck you! fuck everybody! I stayed there all night, but I stayed awake because I was worried they would carry me out unconscious. I am filled with so much hate! It's all i have.

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Thursday, April 18, 2013

Story #178 - Disembarked - MBD #18

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Disembarked
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was on this plane and then I got off the plane. That was the bad decision. Clearly I should have stayed on, this is why: getting to be in the air all the time? Amazing! Rows? WOnderful! Overhead storage/sleeping compartments? Incredible! Why oh why did I leave the plane, can't I please live there, man come on. What airport am I in. CVG are you kidding me? Come on let me back on the plane come on

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Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Story #177 - Climbed In A Box - MBD #17

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Climbed In A Box
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

There was a box there; I climbed in. Good! Great! Well done, promotions all around. How could this be construed possibly as a bad decision? it's impossible ok but what if the box was a shipping container and then it was dropped into the ocean? Well I can see how that might be an issue what if it was then opened on the outside by lobsters? Well sure I guess that might be what if a lobster carried you to the surface and then you were in his debt? OK I see where this is coming from let's wrap it up no more questions at this time.

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Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Story #176 - Had A Moment - MBD #16

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Had A Moment
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I needed a moment; I took one. Now I have one. Amazing. It feels so good. Thank you.

OH NO WHere did it go????? SHIT it just left! AH FUCK! NOooooooooo ok wait it's ok it's ok, it's just that was a really great moment, I needed it, I had it, it was here, now it's gone. Fucking Dammit. Where am I now?

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Monday, April 15, 2013

Story #175 - Made A Bet Involving A Hefty Wager - MBD #15

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Made A Bet Involving A Hefty Wager
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

SHIT I guess Taft was born in 1857 not 1867? Now I owe $5,000,000 to a local gentleman, name of [REDACTED]. OK no sweat. Just have to go to my massive vault. WHAT that was in my imagination? Oh no. OK hold on keep it together, no need to worry yet. Here's how this is going to go. Commit fraud! Yes that's right, you can write checks for any amount as long as the account is fake. I learned this from [REDACTED]. Great now my troubles are over!

OK I was a little premature in declaring all my troubles are over, there are still some problems. That's ok let's just deal with them one by one! Keep it together! Positivity will win the day!!!!!!!!@#$%^&*()*&^$#@!!!

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Sunday, April 14, 2013

Story #174 - Crashed On A Couch - MBD #14

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Crashed On A Couch
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

With a bike. I mean. It wasn't pretty. I was riding it and then suddenly a couch appeared and then I fell over but luckily (?) I landed on the couch so that's ok. But I think my bike is fucked up. Yes it has been eaten by dogs. Well so much for that. I wish I had seen this couch earlier and not been in a place with metal-devouring dogs, both of those things I guess were bad decisions. I want a do over, I want that so badly.

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Saturday, April 13, 2013

Story #173 - Hesitated - MBD #13

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Hesitated
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Hmm, should I buy ketchup or relish? I hesitated. Then I was in the middle of a deep forest, because I hesitated and I am a man and now I am lost, oh god will I ever get out of this forest. I am marking a path out of mustard ( I had already chosen the mustard but it was the second condiment I was struggling with ) and hoping I can find my way back. Wait if I just mark every tree I guess that is confusing? Oh no. OK new plan, eat the mustard and survive on that AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ok nevermind. What to do? I hesitated. OH ok now I'm on a tropical island? I guess? Well this will do, this will do for now.

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Friday, April 12, 2013

Story #172 - Sent A Bird To Deliver A Message - MBD #12

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Sent A Bird To Deliver A Message
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I put a little tiny message in a tube and tied it to the foot of a small bird. "Fly!" I said. "Fly away!" Then I went about my day but when I came back the bird was still there! It hadn't gone anywhere! Can't I have any TRUST of ANYONE anymore Ok fine let's try it again. "Fly! Fly away!' OK there it goes wait it's coming back oh for fucks sake what is it? Is it not migration time? Do you not know where to go? It's in the message didn't you read the address!!! UGH birds don't make a good postal service I don't know where this idea ever came from. Now my taxes will never get mailed.

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Thursday, April 11, 2013

Story #171 - Trampled - MBD #11

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Trampled
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Look out! Out of the way! Oh SHIT you got trampled, by me, hahahahahah i know it's not funny but for some reason I can't stop laughing hahahahah don't you see the humour of this situation hhahahahaha you were just there but then you got trampled under foot just like robert plant! Hahahaha you are like one of the best selling artists of all time hahahah no wait shit no WHAT ok FINE you win this round also please don't get up.

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Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Story #170 - Asked A Pharmacist - MBD #10

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Asked A Pharmacist
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I asked the pharmacist, "Where can I get some drugs?" The pharmacist said "You need a prescription." I said "What is that." The pharmacist said "One second." Then a policeperson came? Uggggggh this is why I hate pharmacists, this is why I hate pharmacies, this is why I hate the entire medical profession, this is why I hate convenience stores, this is why I ha

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Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Story #169 - Sung - MBD #9

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Sung
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was at the top of my lungs. Time to SIIIIng. OK nevermind. Not yet. I need to go to a public place, that's what's up. Ok. Time to sing. Here we go. "Aaaaa" I opened my mouth but it didn't have notes? Or melody? Or a "tone" ?OK what's going on. I just wanted to sing come on is that such a crime. OH wait what it is oh no what is the sentence? I see. Well see you all in 20 years

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Monday, April 8, 2013

Story #168 - Inquired Innocently To A Local Nest Of Bees - MBD #8

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Inquired Innocently To A Local Nest Of Bees
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I had a need, so I went to the local nest of bees and quite nonchalantly yet earnestly stood nearby and looked inwards. There were many bees. Good! They could help me with my need. "Excuse me," I said, "could you please FUCK SHIT DAMMIT FUCK SHIT OW FUCK

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Sunday, April 7, 2013

Story #167 - Threw A Stick - MBD #7

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Threw A Stick
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I saw a stick on the ground! FUcking great! So I threw it! Yeaaaaah! There it goes! OK now it is on another part of the ground. Wait…. ….. …………… holy shit I can throw it again! yEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! Throw this shit forever! Let's throw throw throw throw

OH NO i did it forever, it's a problem

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Saturday, April 6, 2013

Story #166 - Clarified - MBD #6

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Clarified
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

"Excuse me," I said, "but what I meant to say was that I am *AGAINST* impalement, not *for* it."

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Friday, April 5, 2013

Story #165 - Said The Wrong Thing At The Wrong Moment - MBD #5

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Said The Wrong Thing At The Wrong Moment
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

It was a bad one. I said "Yes" when I should have said "No." Plus I was in a shark cage and the question was whether I should be released from the cage. Also I was thinking about something else, i.e. would I like a cake delivered to me. Fuck! This is not the first time this has happened. I want to tell you all about it. When I was

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Thursday, April 4, 2013

Story #164 - Twitched - MBD #4

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Twitched
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I just can't stop twitching! I was walking find a minute ago and then suddenly I had spasms! Fuck! This is so uncomfortable to be qa[ehgae;ojgaklsdnfga;sea;aery;j;wjao oh I'm so sorry that was a "keyboard incident" but hopefully it won't happen agaofgao;nvlksadnagjaeberhfaisfjaoifaoisf shit! I really need to get this taken care of! Let's see a doctor *riuphgperauhsdja;dsfneurgh* the doctor said that medicine cannot help, there is no cure *oaj;argorjgaiojga;haposdkfohgaof* i don't know if things are going to be ok anymore *eruagirhgajlajoij* this is life *a;o.lfnngo;ijgaoijgapokgwjfkhgyuioewopn fgnerg8ut4itn4t98f* OK maybe I can deal with this *hiauergosdfsofdjui* things are slowly starting to get better *reaeorhgaoiroueg98t2jrknjgnerjnicoameifgregj* let's make things better, let's move things forward

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Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Story #163 - Uploaded A Video To YouTube - MBD #3

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Uploaded A Video To YouTube
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I made a video of myself singing. 1:13. So I uploaded it to YouTube! Great. It received 0 views. Then: 6. And they all left a comment. Long story short: I bulldozed my own house, burned the remains and salted the earth. I will never be seen again.

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Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Story #162 - Laughed Too Loud - MBD #2


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Laughed Too Loud
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Ha ha HA! Ha HA HA! HA HA HA! HAHAUHAUHAHAHAJDHAHA! Oh fuck I just laughed too loud, certainly someone heard me, oh no oh no it's too embarrassing, FUCK i need to go hide now, i need to hide in the world's largest hole, where is it, it's in the ocean? Ok, that's where I need to hide, I can't be seen, please don't do that, the marianas trench is just large enough, good lord please don't find me.

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Monday, April 1, 2013

Story #161 - Poured Maple Syrup Over Everything - MBD #1

T.S. Eliot once wrote, "April: fuck that shit, fucking forever," and in that spirit we present the Month of Bad Decisions! Please enjoy.

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Poured Maple Syrup Over Everything
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Here we go! Get ready everybody! Your cars drivers diamonds phones restaurants Tauruses bulls lions zoos aquariums trees baseballs comics libraries delivery trucks warehouses dance scenes dialogues taquerias lights sandwiches killing fields oil spills thorns witches sandalwood -- they are all going to get covered in maple syrup. All of them! Everything! It is the best thing to be done. Can we cover maple syrup in maple syrup??? Wait I'm just finding out - Yes! We can. This is the way the world is, this is the way the world is, this is the way the world is. It's sticky but it's worth it.

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