The Land of Bad Decisions

Story #130 - Fell Short of Expectations - MBD #30

2011-04-30T09:20:00.000-07:00

This concludes another Month of Bad Decisions! 30 stories in 30 days! Thanks for reading. I'm not sure if there will be another LOBD until next April, but if you'd like to submit something for the site then please do!

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Fell Short of Expectations
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

When I was a kid, my mom told me that I was a straight A student, that I was a good person, that I was going to have a good life. So I decided that she was wrong.

I did badly in school, and eventually dropped out of high school. I stole, lied, cheated. I made sure that whenever I needed to do the right thing, I always did the opposite.

I got into hard drugs almost immediately. I ran away from home and started living on the street, in a different town, a different state. I made very few friends and got into very many fights. I tried going to rehab, but I knew that that would be too helpful for me.

And I made sure my family knew what I was doing. They needed to see that I was not going to take care of myself. That I was going to fail at everything I tried to do, and that it was my decision to do so. I think they eventually did realize that I would never live up to whatever they had thought I would.

I feel fine. It's a decision that I live with, and that I think matters to me. In any case I think that I feel better than I would otherwise. All I want is for you not to remember me.

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Story #129 - Plagiarized - MBD #29

2011-04-29T09:20:00.001-07:00

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Plagiarized
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I have a book coming out that is an entire copy of a different book that not many people have read. It is the exact same words, just with my name and different title. You'll like it! Maybe. Honestly I haven't read it. I got a PDF, transferred all the words into a different book, and sent it to a publisher.

My feeling is - this book has already been published, so that must mean it was good enough to get published, and therefore it must be accepted. No more rejected manuscripts! Only things that have worked. Perfect.

I honestly did not expect the author of the original book to get in contact with me, nor for the death threats sent my way. Come on! It's not like this is a new phenomenon. These things happen all the time. It is just a way that people live their lives.

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Story #128 - Crashed A Car Into A Potato Chip - MBD #28

2011-04-28T13:30:00.000-07:00

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Crashed A Car Into A Potato Chip
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I set up a potato chip, hung in mid-air by a string, suspended from a nearby tree. Then I got in a car at least a few hundred feet away, put the pedal to the floor, and smashed right into that fucking chip. It was unrecognizable by the time I passed by. In fact, I think it might have been entirely vaporized. There was no trace of it. whatever pieces it exploded into were so tiny that they were rendered insignificant. Maybe on the molecular level they exist? But who really gives a shit about that. For all intents and purposes, it was gone.

Sadly the car also crashed into that tree, and I had neglected to wear a seatbelt, and was thus launched out of the car and into the side of a nearby above-ground pool. But I don't want to dwell on that. You should have seen that chip. Motherfucking right.

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Story #127 - Cut Off My Own Finger - MBD #27

2011-04-27T13:27:00.000-07:00

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Cut Off My Own Finger
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Ten fingers seem like way too many. What's wrong with nine? I wondered. It's a prime number (it isn't, but I didn't know that at the time). It just seemed right. So I had a friend help me to remove it, via a saw. It hurt like fuck at the time, and it required some intensive care. Luckily I cut off my finger next door to a hospital.

I do get phantom pains sometime, before remembering that I am only nine-fingered now. Typing is different. And if I hold something, it feels very strange. But other than that I have not noticed any major disruptions in my lifestyle. And I feel fine.

In fact, to tell the truth, I feel much more optimistic about life than ever before. Because, no matter what happens to me, I've already got nine fingers. It won't be so bad. I'll take whatever comes at me. In fact, I feel like I've got a lot of other unnecessary appendages too. What's with all these toes? Hold on a second.

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Story #126 - Procured Dangerous Chemicals - MBD #26

2011-04-26T09:06:00.000-07:00

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Procured Dangerous Chemicals
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I needed to procure a few dangerous chemicals for a project I was working on, so I did just that. By "procure" I largely mean "stole," but it's all the same.

The method to procuring these chemicals is mostly to break into warehouses, storage silos, weapons test facilities, etc., usually in the dead of night, getting a van, wearing the proper protective gloves and goggles and so on, using a crowbar and a hedge clippers, blah blah blah. You'd be disgusted how much security there is at these places! Unless you weren't trying to break in, in which case you might actually feel pretty good about it.

It is very sad how I was eventually caught, which was by a dog at the throat outside of a gate. I was so close to realizing my project! Now the world will never have the large museum of dangerous chemicals I was setting up. Your loss, world.

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Story #125 - Hid Out In A Library - MBD #25

2011-04-25T08:52:00.000-07:00

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Hid Out In A Library
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

It was a major operation, that involving making a duplicate of the bathroom key and hiding out until everyone had left. Then I opened the door and spent the night in the library.

You'd think it would be a good idea, but in fact it was not. I had no interested in reading the thousands of books there. Nor did I have any way of using the equipment to play CDs or DVDs. I mostly wanted just to be somewhere that I didn't belong? I thought that the library was the easiest. I suppose I should have thought this through. I mean, without reading, what did I actually plan on doing there?

I mostly slept. In the morning I was found by two librarians, who bound me to a chair with a ducttape and called the police. I decided to make up stories that were more interesting than what actually happened. How I read through every book, making sure to take them all individually into the bathroom. Or how I knocked over all the shelves and replaced the books on them, one by one, in the wrong order. Or that I had brought a bottle of water and a fan and sat washing and drying them for hours.

Of course, because I said these things I was given a longer jail sentence, which really makes me wish I had kept my mouth shut.

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Story #124 - Brought An Antique Typewriter With Me To All Places - MBD #24

2011-04-24T11:41:00.000-07:00

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Brought An Antique Typewriter With Me To All Places
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Imagine. You are in the grocery store. You are looking at different types of produce, trying to determine the best one. Suddenly in the background you hear: Click. Click click. Click click click. Ding! You turn around and there's me, next to the oranges, typing on a beautiful antique typewriter. Awesome, right?

Or: you are at the public library, doing research on something. You look over and I am there, happy as ever, typing away.

Or how about: you are at work, trying to get some work done. You see me, your co-worker, with an antique typewriter. All I am doing is typing, and having the greatest time.

Now imagine bringing a hammer to work, or the library, or what have you.

What I'm saying here is that you owe me at least two hundred dollars.

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Story #123 - Disrespected A Lemur - MBD #23

2011-04-23T15:26:00.000-07:00

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Disrespected A Lemur
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

At the zoo I went to the lemur area, where a bunch of lemurs were playing on a little island that was their home. One lemur stared at me. I sort of maybe didn’t look at him. Then I got bothered by his constant stare, so I maybe made an extremely rude gesture and maybe shouted something, that was maybe in front of a few kids or maybe a school trip.

Long story short – I can’t go back to the zoo, ever. I blame the lemur. Obviously he has some serious pull there.

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Story #122 - Used A Hang Glider Improperly - MBD #22

2011-04-22T10:22:00.000-07:00

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Used A Hang Glider Improperly
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I went to the edge of a cliff with a hang glider, which I had no idea how to use. I didn't think it would be so hard. It looked completely easy - you just hold on to the thing, and then jump off. The wind carries you. Great.

When I landed in the ocean, surprised but otherwise unscathed, it occurred to me that I might have used it wrong. So I wondered how to use it. Was I supposed to turn it upside down? Sideways? Was I supposed to jump backwards from the cliff? Did I not have enough weight on me?

After these tests were carried out, I concluded that I probably should have asked someone before using it. Maybe I could have gotten that guy I stole the hang glider from to teach me.

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Story #121 - Brought Cesium To A Swimming Pool - MBD #21

2011-04-21T09:45:00.000-07:00

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Brought Cesium To A Swimming Pool
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Hooray, it worked! Awesome!

And to those of you who can't recognize cesium from a distance: it's not my fault if you choose not to get out of the pool.

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Story #120 - Berated An Olympic Swim Team - MBD #20

2011-04-20T13:25:00.000-07:00

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Berated An Olympic Swim Team
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

“You guys suck!” I yelled with my hands cupped around my mouth, to the Olympic swim team that I saw passing by.

“How did you get past security?” they said as they dried themselves after their practice.

“How did you not get past those Russians?” I said, referring to their silver medal finish in the Olympics of that year.

They started to run away.

“And can one of you learn to backstroke quickly, for fuck’s sake?” I said, as they exited the room.

Four security guards came in and removed my kidney.

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Story #119 - Combined Cheese With Things That Shouldn’t Be Combined With Cheese - MBD #19

2011-04-19T20:02:00.000-07:00

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Combined Cheese With Things That Shouldn’t Be Combined With Cheese
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Here are some things I combined with cheese:

Walls. Grounds. Chimps. Small cats. Big cats. Kids. Children. Donkeys. Jeans. Windows. Monuments. Electrical outlets. Balconies. Statues. Tall buildings. Bungalows. Shacks. Sheds. Mains. Main Street. Heroin needles. Comic books. Records. Books of fiction. Books of non-fiction. Stores. Lamps. Lampposts. Night lights. Power wires. Birds. Angry Birds (the game). Monkey wrenches. Buzzsaws. Violins. A concert hall. Saxophonists. Twizzlers. Vietnam. Jet engines. Airliners. Hosts. Microphones. Libraries. Pieces of paper. Great works of art. Laundromats. Dehumidifiers. Miniature plastic stars. Soap. Performance-enhancing drugs. Twine. Feral rats. Sewers. The water supply. The mayor of the city. The bars of my jail cell.

What a mess.

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Story #118 - Got On The Bad Side Of A Clown - MBD #18

2011-04-18T10:20:00.000-07:00

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Got On The Bad Side Of A Clown
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was watching an unhealthy amount of old Batman re-runs, and I thought, what would it like to have a clown for an arch-nemesis? So I decided to find out.

I went to the circus and saw the performances. They were unmemorable. There was one clown whose only job was to stand there and make emphatic gestures. Other than his arms he did not move for the entire night.

So after the show I went and told him what I thought. He said nothing, but smiled the whole time. At least I think he did? He had that makeup on so I couldn’t tell. But anyway, I thought that my business was done.

Only I never heard back from him. I suppose that maybe I expected more of a revenge type scenario, but instead I got the one clown that was not completely evil.

So I sort of maybe escalated my attacks on this man (both verbal and physical). I maybe called him at his house, and maybe I stalked him from town to town. Who is to say.

The important thing is, he eventually did get his revenge on me. But it wasn’t even a clever clown revenge! It was a restraining order. That guy. Not even one laughing gas bomb. I hate to say it, but having a clown for a nemesis isn’t as great as it’s made out to be.

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Story #117 - Briefly Became A Cannibal - MBD #17

2011-04-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

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Briefly Became A Cannibal
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Except this time it wasn’t worth it. I’m feeling better now, and I no longer have the all-encompassing craving for human flesh. So that’s good.

There’s only so many directions you can go, once you do this. Backwards really isn’t one of them. But with time and the proper training, I think I can maybe re-enter society.

I found a support group of other ex-cannibals, and we talk, have a few drinks, and let the healing process take place. We joke around now, it’s easier, we can relax, we don’t have insatiable bloodlust. Things are okay.

So that, I think, is probably my biggest weakness. But I can assure you that it will not affect my productivity or my hard work ethic. Do you have any other questions for me?

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Story #116 - Missed A Field Goal - MBD #16

2011-04-16T17:16:00.000-07:00

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Missed A Field Goal
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Yes, I missed it on fucking purpose. What did you think? There was no wind, and I could have made it no problem. Instead I kicked way right.

Why? Because fuck this team and fuck you, that’s why, for thinking that any of this meant shit. You’re going to get upset because a football team, one that you’re not even on by the way, lost one game by a few points? None of this matters! There’s nothing to be gained from winning. It’s all a distraction. You should go home and think about your life. Sure, it was the playoffs, but I’m pretty sure no one really wanted to play another of these fucking games. Fuck this bullshit team and fuck everybody that cares about it.

You couldn’t see it from where you were sitting, but the arc of the ball from my vantage point was in the perfect shape of a middle finger.

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Story #115 - Incinerated My Possessions - MBD #15

2011-04-15T18:44:00.000-07:00

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Incinerated My Possessions
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I bought an incinerator from an old waste management site that was being sold due to economic troubles. Then I gathered everything I owned, and over several trips I managed to destroy all of them.

Industrial incinerators are no joke. I want to tell you sincerely that nothing I have experienced can compare to the sight of all of my possessions burning in the intense heat of a municipal waste building. It felt amazing, and I want to compare it to something but it is truly incomparable. I am still awestruck thinking about it.

The only downside was that after it was over, I had no possessions left, which is something I really should have thought about beforehand.

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Story #114 - Slapped A Stranger - MBD #14

2011-04-14T14:12:00.001-07:00

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Slapped A Stranger
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was walking down a crowded street today in the middle of town. Someone approached me, coming very close, and I made a quick decision to slap him in the face.

In retrospect, he had done nothing wrong. He was probably jostled by someone else in the crowd, and came in to my field of vision. As I said, it was very quick, as if I had decided to react without even recognizing what was happening, which is probably an accurate description of how it went down.

Anyway he kind of stared at me for about a minute, then went on his way. I thought for some reason he was going to come after me or something? Maybe slap me back? I wondered if I had stumbled on the quickest possible way to start a fight. But no. I was free to go on my way, with only the judging eyes of the crowd following me.

It was in this moment when I tripped on a stray rock and fell to the ground.

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Story #113 - Stole A Priceless Artifact From A Museum - MBD #13

2011-04-13T11:38:00.000-07:00

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Stole A Priceless Artifact From A Museum
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Say you’re in a museum and you want, say, a spoon or something that was used thousands of years ago. It’s very simple. It’s not like on television. Most museums don’t have elaborate, convoluted security systems. Sure, someone might get upset. But, and this is just me talking personally, stealing a priceless artifact was one of the easiest things I’ve ever done.

The problem is that you get bored. I mean, it’s really hard to stop at just one. But the things I go for are pretty much useless by our standard. Small pottery, a piece of an ancient ruin, an important speck of dust. There’s a reason why civilization progressed beyond that point. Some things have run their course.

And then after a while you forget it’s there, and once you remember you can’t find anyone who wants it, or you can’t show it to other people. It gets to be kind of sad. I had part of a handaxe from ancient Asia wrapped in a sweater vest, sitting in the back of a closet. It really is a lot of effort for not that much reward.

My hope is that, when I die, people will find my collection of things and work out what I did, and when, and how. Then they will finally know: I was a man of taste.

Story #112 - Lost All Of My Money Through Gambling - MBD #12

2011-04-12T09:58:00.001-07:00

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Lost All Of My Money Through Gambling

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I went to the bank and closed my account, taking out everything I had. Then I went to a horse racetrack.

Here's how I did it: over the course of several hours, I placed bets on every horse that had the highest odds. My thinking was, if any of those horses win, I would get the most in return. It makes the most sense! How could it all have possibly gone wrong?

I left the racetrack without any money in the world. I wondered what I could do next. There were not many options. I decided the best thing I could do was to hospitalize myself. It's nice here! There is food sometimes.

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Story #111 - Tried To Go To Space - MBD #11

2011-04-11T09:20:00.000-07:00

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Tried To Go To Space
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I really wanted to go to space, but didn't want to spend all that time or money "going to school" or "becoming an astronaut." I read that the space program was being discontinued, so I knew that if I wanted to go to space, I had to do it myself.

My main point of reference was old cartoons. A giant catapult didn't work. Nor did running really fast. One thing that looked promising was a rocket sled. All I need was miles of track and some rockets (I had the sled part from earlier). But sadly, rockets are not easy to get in my state, and even when crossing border lines to a store, they didn't have anything that will "get a person to space," and didn't like it when I said that.

So I made a last ditch attempt - sneaking on to the next space shuttle flight. Sadly, however, it was delayed, and I was arrested, put on trial, convicted, and am now serving time. But, you know. Things happen. It's impossible to say, right now, with certainty, that the dream is over.

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Story #110 - Stood In A Public Toilet - MBD #10

2011-04-10T07:08:00.000-07:00

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Stood In A Public Toilet
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Standing in a public toilet doesn't sound like fun, and I'll tell you the truth here: it's not. I just did it because I had never done it before.

What I did was I opened up the lid, kicked my shoes and socks off, and got in. It was surprisingly cold. I tried not to think about what I was doing, or why. If I even stopped to ask myself those questions, I would have immediately ran off and taken a three-day shower.

Which, granted, is what I ended up doing. But for about 12 seconds, I had no problems. I made a decision, and I did it. Standing there I thought, this is something that you could do every day, yet we always pass this opportunity by. Why does it take so long to finally get around to it? (Again, the answer to this question resulted in screaming and running away. But I like the process here, what led me to it.)

Story #109 - Stopped Counting At 46 - MBD #9

2011-04-09T10:45:00.000-07:00

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Stopped Counting At 46
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was overwhelmed. Way too much was going on. I needed a moment, and in that moment I decided that there was no possible higher number than 46.

And… I cannot tell you how much simpler my life has become since I changed my outlook. Suddenly, everything fell into place. I had a feeling that I could take care of everything, and was sure that it was all going to be alright.

For example, I had a lot of debts that needed to be paid. But then I realized that, all the debts totaled, it only amounted to $46 dollars. Which was good, because that was all the money that I had.

The weather only got to 46 degrees – in both Celsius and Fahrenheit. I made sure to dress for both mildly cold and extremely scorching hot weather, simultaneously.

And best of all, I never had to think about anything too hard. If a number came up, it was automatically less than 46, so there was no need to worry. I smiled, and I relaxed. Of course my house was repossessed, but that was no concern. I liked to sit on the grass and stare up into the sky, and tell myself that everything was okay.

Story #108 - Destroyed A Public Park Through Equipment - MBD #8

2011-04-08T15:01:00.001-07:00

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Destroyed A Public Park Through Equipment
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Look, all I’m saying is, if you work at a construction site, and you leave one of the backhoes unmanned, I am going to take it.

The site was next to a public park, where a few people were off in a corner doing who knows what (having a picnic maybe). I drove onto the grass. The equipment was loud, and I was not wearing earplugs or even a hard hat. Still, I dug that shit deep into the ground. I wasn’t sure about the controls, but managed to figure out a little bit. I understood “up” and “down.”

I drove to random spots in the park, doing God’s work. You wouldn’t believe what the park looked like after I finished with it. It was a complete mess of dirt and ugliness. I left the backhoe running and stepped down, raising my arms in victory.

Of course I was arrested, that is the only thing that makes sense. But you tell me: Who won this battle, really? (It was me. I won the battle.)

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Story #107 - Used An Emergency Exit In A Non-Emergency - MBD #7

2011-04-07T10:41:00.001-07:00

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Used An Emergency Exit In A Non-Emergency
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

They’re not serious, right? “Alarm will sound if door is opened?” Come on. There’s no way that anything will happen when I push this door.

When did I get to the hospital?

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Story #106 - Fell Down The Stairs - MBD #6

2011-04-06T14:38:00.000-07:00

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Fell Down The Stairs
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I approached the stairs. They seemed approachable. I thought I would just throw myself down them, but it takes a lot of effort. There’s something in you that stops yourself from doing that – you reach out, steady yourself, catch yourself before you fall.

There are ways around that. You can close your eyes, but you have to make sure they are really closed, that you don’t open them at the last second. You have to not know what you’re doing. It will always take longer than you think it does. You’re waiting for the stairs to reach you, for just the first stair, but you keep waiting.

Then there’s my favorite way to trick yourself, which is being drunk. And thus, after several drinks (how many is not important), I successfully fell asleep in mid-air and fell down a flight of stairs. I woke up at the bottom.

This is the tricky part – because I was so drunk, I don’t have any memory of what it actually felt like. I remember beginning to fall, and based on the position I was in and the pain I felt when I woke up I knew that I had done it. But I don’t remember what happened during. There’s got to be a delicate balance of drunk, a fine triangulation point that will give me all of the memory and none of the self-preservation instinct. And one day, I will find it.

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Story #105 - Made A Lava Pit A Permanent Fixture In My House - MBD #5

2011-04-05T14:45:00.000-07:00

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Made A Lava Pit A Permanent Fixture In My House
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

It wasn’t that different, just that when I had guests over, I now had to say, welcome, here, give me your jackets, oh and mind the lava pit.

It was quite large, taking up twelve square feet in my living room floor (where the rug used to be). It needed to be kept at a consistent temperature (hot). At first I thought of putting up a little bridge for people to cross it, but then I thought, no, that’s too much work. People can walk around it, it’s not like the ground slopes slightly and it is easy to lose your balance and fall into it.

Surprisingly, it is easy to forget when you have a lava pit in the middle of your house. It just becomes another piece of furniture, one recessed deep into the ground and filled with lava. It can be easy to wake up in the middle of the night, say, and not see it at first as you go to get some water. But it does not take much effort to remember.

One thing to keep in mind is upkeep. You need to make sure there is enough lava, and that it does not leave the pit, for example. This was one problem I encountered, and it was not easily taken care of.

It is tempting to say, this was a bad idea, or that I regret ever having put this in my house. But that is not entirely true. I’ve thought of abandoning my house, and just leaving this pit. But I always come back. Is it wrong to say that the thing that keeps me coming back, the thing that keeps me from having regret, is pride?

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Story #104 - Pit Animals Against Each Other, For Fun - MBD #4

2011-04-04T10:11:00.000-07:00

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Pit Animals Against Each Other, For Fun
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

This is going to be great! I thought. I had it all planned out. A little pen. A dog and a cat. The dog would be a Labrador retriever, the cat a tabby. Those seem like popular animals. I put the dog in one corner of the pen, and the cat in the other corner. Okay! I said. Go for it! This is going to be good. I was so excited. I brought a seat out to the pen, just so that I could be on the edge of it. But nothing happened. The dog barked for a second, then turned towards me, then to the cat, then back to me, and came over wanting to be petted. The cat, for its part, licked itself and then jumped over the side of the pen. I had no choice but to pet the dog. Then I got up, saying, come back! I was saying this to the cat. But it had no interest in coming back. I sat back down. The dog ventured off on its own, in the opposite direction of the field. Sadly, this venture had left me bankrupt. My life was now in ruins. I had to sell the seat I was using. In my darkest moment I fond two rats, put them face to face, and urged them to fight. Instead they both bit me and ran away. Nothing was working out. Eventually I figured, what’s the use, and walked to the nearest emergency room. I have not seen an animal since.

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Story #103 - Punched My Way Through A Grocery Store - MBD #3

2011-04-03T12:00:00.000-07:00

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Punched My Way Through A Grocery Store
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was in the grocery store, looking at various prices of fruits, when it occurred to me that a much better use of my time would be to start punching everyone in the whole fucking store.

And so it was. I walked up to the first guy, tapped him on the shoulder, and socked him in the face. Before anyone could react I was on to the next guy. And so on, and so on. I didn’t stop until the last person in the store had been punched.

This led to an awkward situation, as no one had actually been knocked out. They were just dazed for a few seconds. As I was leaving the store, I made the mistake of looking back, to see dozens of men and women charging after me.

I was honestly hoping that no one would mind. I figured out afterwards what my mistake had been. It is just as well. I still count it as a success that I managed to hit everyone in the store.

So far, I am happy to say, no one has attempted to copycat my shining achievement, my singular effort.

***

Story #102 - Didn't Sleep - MBD #2

2011-04-02T09:08:00.000-07:00

***

Didn’t Sleep
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I have transcended sleep. I no longer need it to function as a person. Most people need to rest at some point in their lives, I’ve heard, but I found a way to do without it. Now I stay awake at all hours of the day. There is a lot of intravenous coffee involved. Plus several pills of an extralegal nature. And a device that I built myself, which I do not choose to go into detail about here.

What do I do with my time? Well, an awful lot of it is spent hallucinating. At first it was scary, when the spots before my eyes became real and asked me personal questions. But I’ve learned to cope with it. The strange things have become tangible. I can pick up, for example, something with a dog’s head and a purple amorphous body, and it will become upset with me. It is fun to try to avoid them, as in the street. You usually end up running into people, who shove you back on your way. It is very helpful to not have a direction in mind.

At night, although I have transcended sleep, I worry about staying in one place for too long. I have begun night bicycling. The best way I have found to do this is to have no reflecting surfaces, no flashing lights, no lights at all in fact, and no helmet. It is exhilarating. The combination of wind streams and constant fear make for quite an experience that can have me not even think about sleeping for a long time.

If you’re wondering how I cope with not sleeping, you are asking the wrong question. I left my old life behind. This has become my greatest goal. It is a part of who I am, forever. I am hoping to keep it this way.

***

Story #101 - Ran Into A Burning Building For No Reason - MBD #1

2011-04-01T09:18:00.000-07:00

Hello!

As T.S. Eliot once said, "April is the lousiest fucking month in the whole bullshit year," so to celebrate we are once again turning April into the Month of Bad Decisions!

For those who don't know, last year there was a new story posted every day of the month, and although LOBD has been on a hiatus for a while I am coming back to bring you a new story for every day in April.

Please enjoy, and thank you!

***

Ran Into A Burning Building For No Reason
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was walking down a street when I saw flashing lights and smoke, and realized that there was a building that was burning down. I quickly bypassed the firefighters and rushed in. I wasn’t doing to save anyone – they had already gathered outside. And there was nothing in the building that I wanted to rescue. That wasn’t even on my mind. I just thought it would be interesting. It was an experience I hadn’t had, being in a building that was on fire. I stood and watched the flames cover the room, while people yelled at me from outside. “It’s ok,” I said, or tried to say, before smoke filled my mouth and I passed out.

I suppose that there are some experiences that it’s okay not to have. It is impossible to do everything in life. Sometimes it is okay if you miss out on something, even if it’s something that you thought you really wanted.

***

Songs #1-5

2010-12-26T17:15:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!

I honestly wasn't expecting to post in this blog again, at least not for a while, but something quite frankly amazing happened. My good friend David sent me a Christmas present - a submission to the Land of Bad Decisions!

David went on the Mechanical Turk website, and asked five people to write songs about the Land of Bad Decisions. And I think they're awesome. I'm not sure who wrote which one, so if they want to leave a comment here I can credit them or leave them anonymous. (Also if anyone wants to put music to them, that'd be cool too.)

So thank you, David, and I hope everyone enjoys their Christmas/Boxing Day present. Happy holidays.

-Dan

***

Song 1:
=================================

"I want to live! (backup singers:)(to live!) in the land of bad decisions
Liiive on, in the land of bad decisions
If you want to live! (in the land of bad decisions)
Then you just gotta make, to make some baaad decisions!"

Song 2:
=======================================

"Come all the Liars, come to me.
This is the ""Land of Bad Decisions"",
Take your pen and start writing
Anything bad you have done."

Song 3:
==========================================

"The land of Bad Decisions took me somewhere I thought I would never
want to belong.
The Land of Bad Decisions made me feel as though all I could do is wrong.
The Land of Bad Decisions reminds me of someone I met while visiting this place.
The Land of Bad Decisions made me never want to leave with haste.

Ohhhh! I do wanna return there once more.
Ohhhh! I wanna see this place again for sure.

This is where I met my true love, and he was a bad decision.
Yet, I would like to be with him once more, and that's for sure!

Ohhh! I do wanna return there once more
Ohhh! I wanna see this place for sure.

Please let my true love be there, and remind me of the reason that I
like The Land of Bad Decisions.

Ohhh! I do wanna return there once more.
Ohhh! I wanna see this place again for sure."

Song 4:
===================================================

"I wanted to live in The Land of Bad Decisions
So I began to lie again and again
This is a Land of liars and day dreamers
So I am the King of this beautiful Land."

Song 5:
===================================================

I put my hands up and concede defeat
When good ideas come, then retreat
Whirling and twirling in disarray
In The Land of Bad Decisions I play

A flicker of light and a bulb of glee
Randomness prevails and is heavenly
I kicked the habit of making sense
I live for the future in the past tense

Take the lead, then toss it away
Decide to leave, then choose to stay
Genius bred, and to each his own
A happy king and a fickle throne

Share the knowledge and share your mind
You show me yours, and I'll show you mine
Ideas, like the universe, want to expand
And ideas are king in this land"

***

Story #100 - Doing Everything Wrong

2010-08-10T19:58:00.001-07:00

Hello! This is the 100th story posted to the Land of Bad Decisions blog since it was started in 2007. That is kind of cool I think! I have had some amazing contributions, which you can see from the links on the right hand side under "Stories By Author." I'm very glad to have reached this number, despite the fact that it is essentially trivial.

Now is also a good time to announce that I am taking a bit of a hiatus from LOBD for the near future. Writing these stories has increasingly taken a lot of time and energy from me, and I am afraid that I am drying out once again. And to be honest, I am not getting nearly enough submissions to keep this site running.

The whole point of this blog was to reach out to other writers and artists and see what they come up with, when using the first two sentences to start. That from the phrase "I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions," you could get a variety of interpretations from different voices. But I don't think that I have been able to cultivate that kind of site here. I am thankful for everyone who submitted, as I really enjoyed reading and publishing your stories and poems. But I think that in order to expand the site, I am going to have to take a step back.

So please, if you have a submission, send it to me and it will go up on this site. I might come back with another story at some time, but I am not sure when. The best way to keep updated is to follow my twitter.

In the meantime, enjoy today's story, and when I come back for a third time I hope to make this site what I wanted it to be from the beginning.

***

Doing Everything Wrong
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I woke up today and decided that I was going to do everything wrong. It didn't matter what it was, if I could do it in completely the wrong way then I would.

So any decision I made basically, I hope was the wrong one. Like for example when I got up and started walking. Well I thought, I can do this wrong, and fell to the floor, tripping over something very small, and being unable to make it past the door. I wondered if I should put clothes on, and I thought at first I wouldn't, but instead decided to put the wrong clothes on the wrong parts of the body. It seemed to make more sense. I skipped breakfast, eating only a gravel rock from outside.

I got into my car, put in reverse, and smashed it into another car. I did not apologize. I sat there for a little while, thinking about things. Then I opened the passenger's side door and crawled out. I saw a sewer drain and I thought, today's the day. I managed to fit one leg, then two, down the gutters, and pushed the rest of my body down. It's a good thing that I didn't eat.

When I made it to the sewer, I splashed around in the water, getting my clothes good and wet. It smelled awful, but I made myself stay for a very long time, until the patches of light on the wall had moved quite a bit. Then I crawled out the way I had come in, which was much harder.

It was getting late, and I was exhausted, so I thought I might take a nap. But I couldn't, not this way. I had to bash my head against a tree first. Then prop myself up with my legs, like I was doing a handstand. I rested against the bark of that tree, smelling of the sewer, blood starting to form, and I thought: Today has been a good day.

***

Story #99 - Attachment, by Tiffany Johnstone

2010-07-26T19:59:00.001-07:00

Hi everyone! I am back this week, with a new story by Tiffany Johnstone! She is a very talented writer and is working on her PhD in English. She is better than pretty much everyone else! Here you go!

If you have a story to submit, check out the submission guidelines and send it to djfschwartz at gmail dot com.

***

Attachment
by Tiffany Johnstone

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

When I was 18, i left the little fishing village that I grew up in and had to say goodbye to my family, my pets, and my first boyfriend. I moved to Toronto and went to an elitist college. I grew up in a humble intellectual family. But at the school, a lot of the people there were rich and had been to private schools and were very concerned with either conformists rising on the ladder of social status or aspiring toward what felt to my 18 year old self like ruthless materialistic individualism. Feeling lost, I threw myself into my work. One day, a family of squirrels built a nest in my window pane.

I decided that this was some kind of sign that I was not alone and that there was still a place for spiritual growth and community and passion in such an urban space. I fell completely in love with the squirrel family. I watched the babies grow from tiny naked possibilities to round muscular young creatures. I even watched them on the day that they decided to leave the window and even though I listened everyday for them, they never returned.

I cleaned the nest, hoping to move on from this experience of harbouring this family of animals that I had allowed myself to love. But unfortunately, the squirrels must have had fleas because then I was bitten several times. My room had to be fumigated and I had to move to the spare room that was in the lobby of the dormitory. Each morning the cleaning lady forgot that I lived there and opened the door causing me to scream in shock, once while an exam was taking place next door.

Then I broke out in hives and had to go the doctor where I promptly fainted and had to be carried past all the patients in the waiting room. Actually, when I fainted, it turns out that I astral travelled. I was consciously unconscious so to speak. All I remember is feeling as though I was completely free and safe and that waking up was like falling...or like leaving a nest.

***

Story #98 - Ate A Bottle Of Shampoo

2010-07-20T18:15:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone! Here is your extra special Tuesday edition of LOBD! Because, um, I sort of forgot to update last night. But it is okay! Because here it is. You know, I'd be able to have a tighter schedule - and undoubtedly better entries - if I had more submissions. Check out the submission guidelines, and send some along. I hope you enjoy today's story.

***

Ate a Bottle of Shampoo
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was taking a shower, and I noticed that the bottle of shampoo didn't have any warnings against eating any of it. So I immediately thought that what I should do is take the bottle, open it with a knife and fork, and see what it was like to eat. So that's exactly what I did.

After I got dressed, I grabbed the bottle and put it on a plate. I got out a butter knife, but of course it wasn't strong enough to cut the bottle. So I grabbed a much better knife that I had bought from a traveling salesman a few years back. This one lived up to its promise. It cut the bottle smoothly and evenly. The shampoo itself started oozing out in a thick globule, sort of spreading around my plate. I cut a chunk of the bottle into a bite-size portion, and ate into it.

Not surprisingly, the bottle was the most flavor. It tasted like smooth plastic, not coarse like a lego toy, more of a cheap three-ring binder. The shampoo itself actually had no taste. I wasn't milky enough, like I thought it would be. It was actually kind of difficult to eat. It was a bit thick, a bit like old yogurt.

Even so, I managed to finish the whole thing. After that I felt a bit funny. I wondered, should I call poison control? And I decided: no. I would wait this out. I sat there, staring at the wall. Then I ended up calling poison control anyway. Oh, how they laughed and laughed.

***

Story #97 - Took Soccer Dives

2010-07-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

Hello! I hope you enjoyed your 4th of July / Canada Day celebrations. If you have a bad decision story you would like to share, let me know! I personally did not make any decisions that were too bad, but I know that these people did. In any case, please enjoy today's story.

***

Took Soccer Dives
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was sitting on the train, reading a newspaper, when a man accidentally hit me on the back of the head as he was walking past. "I'm sorry," he said.

There was a split second where I wondered what I was going to do, and then my decision was made. I hurled myself onto the ground, holding my head, turning myself over, and crying. I tried to tear out some of my hair for good measure. After that I sprawled into kind of a spread eagle position, face down on the floor, hoping that I could will myself to bleed.

After a while I looked up. The man who hit me had gotten off the train minutes earlier. Everyone else was back to reading their newspapers. Not even the train security guy was looking at me. I stood up, brushed off a stray candy wrapper, and sat down. I wondered if I ought to go to the hospital.

I decided that I needed to try this in a more public place. I got off the train downtown, and headed toward a big crowd. I waited until someone bumped my shoulder, then took to the sidewalk (which actually hurt even more) and curled up into a little fetal ball, sobbing, asking somebody, anybody to help me. What was I waiting for? I wasn't hoping to punish anybody, nor did I actually wanted help. What I really wanted was a circle to form, where I would be in the center, and everybody would be looking at me. However, this never happened.

Eventually I got fed up and started hitting people on purpose, then falling down in agony. It still didn't work. Eventually I punched a cop. He didn't buy my story that he broke my hand, but he did help me out with my technique by tasering the shit out of me.

Out of all of this, if it can be said that I learned anything, it was that there are times when taking dives is appropriate and there are times when this is not appropriate.

***

Story #96 - Fell Asleep In A Public Place

2010-06-28T17:03:00.000-07:00

Hello! There is a new LOBD story for you to read, and I hope that it finds you well.

Also, a programming note: There won't be an update next week, due to the 4th of July holiday in the US. But that is a good time for you to write a submission and send it to me, I think. Please enjoy today's story.

***

Fell Asleep in a Public Place
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was so tired, sitting on a park bench in the city, and I didn't feel like getting up and going home or to a hotel. So I put my head down and fell asleep right then and there. You can probably guess what happened next.

A massive thunderstorm came, and poured rain all over me. When I woke up I was drenched. I felt a little sick. I went to the hospital. While I was there the staff stole my clothes and also my watch. I argued with them, asking them what happened. I thought briefly about starting a five-year lawsuit, but decided it wouldn't be worth the energy. So I left in the hospital gown they gave me.

When I got home I found that my home had been burned to the ground. That's just what happens, I thought. Now I live in my car. The seats are surprisingly comfortable. I am giving it two, three weeks at most before I am arrested. I am also thinking of taking a multi-city tour. Not that I have the money for it, but I could if I wanted to.

I have not talked to another person in probably a long time.

Other than that, though, I feel like things are mostly positive in my life now.

***

Story #95 - Walked Through Things

2010-06-21T13:37:00.000-07:00

Hello, hope you are having a good day so far - here is another LOBD story for you.

***

Walked Through Things
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I didn't like the idea of things being in my way. For example, a door. Why should I have to open it? It should just open on its own, or, preferably, not be there at all. So I tried to walk through it. Now, obviously, I met with some initial difficulty. No matter how many times I walked into it, the door still remained. So I tried maybe running into it, or breaking it down. The door began to weaken. It took a very, very long time, but finally I managed to smash the door, and I calmly walked through it as though I wasn't bleeding from everywhere.

I did this with everything that came up in my way. A chair, for example, was in my path, so I tried walking through it. All I did was knock it over, and then push it along as I moved forward. Eventually it did get out of my way. This would happen with tables, glassware, and large windows. I came to a tree that I didn't like, but decided that, for now, it could stay.

I came to a wall. And no matter what I did, it would not fall over or make a path for me. I thought of television shows, where I could make a hole in the wall the exact shape and dimensions as myself. But I could not realize this dream. Eventually I had to lie down.

I hoped for the future. I think I would like to be a cyborg. They are made of metal, and can easily walk through anything that is in their path. That could be my dream. Actually, come to think of it, a metal suit wouldn't be that bad. That, or attaching a giant buzzsaw to my arm.

***

Story #94 - Disbelieved In Birds

2010-06-14T21:11:00.000-07:00

Hello! Here is a new LOBD story for you - please remember that I am taking submissions, be they fiction, non-fiction, poetry, audio, video, or what have you. Check out the guidelines and send me an email. Enjoy today's story!

***

Disbelieved in Birds
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I decided that I didn't believe in birds. They didn't exist. I saw a woodpecker on the top of a telephone pole and I thought, that isn't there. I'm not seeing anything. It's probably just an aerodynamic rat.

I felt a lot better after this. Finally, my life was less complicated. I didn't have to worry about what finches were up to. I took down the bird feeder in my back yard because, what was the point.

If I saw a bird on TV, I knew that I was looking at a fictional creation, like ghosts or vampires. People talking about them were talking about myths. I smiled to myself, like I did when I figured out about the Easter bunny scam.

And if I was walking down the street and there'd be something awfully like a bird on the sidewalk, or if I looked up and saw something in the sky, I knew that what I was seeing wasn't real. There was no question. It could have been mental problems, sure. Or just old memories trying to return. But I was smarter than that. I knew what was right. And nothing, not anything that you could say or show to me would convince me otherwise.

Life is better, in so many ways.

***

Story #93 - Defenestrated Myself

2010-06-07T17:43:00.000-07:00

Congratulations if you made it to June! To celebrate, have a new LOBD for this week. And don't forget to send an email to me to submit something to the site.

***

Defenestrated Myself
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I picked myself up by the collar and heaved myself toward the window, which I crashed through. I was on the first floor, so it wasn't bad. Still, the broken glass around me, the blood, the feeling of not wanting to get up, as if the ground were a sofa. I got up, apologized to the other bar patrons, and went home.

At home I noticed that I had a few windows on the ground floor as well. So I did what I could for each of them. Some of the windows were just a screen, and I found that preferable. On the other hand, there's just something so physical about breaking glass. Maybe it's the sound it makes. When I had used up all the windows in my house, I went to bed. The plan was to call a glass repairman, and then start all over again.

I said this all to a friend of mine, and she said I was doing it wrong. "You can't throw yourself out a window," she said. "Defenestration is when someone throws you out. It's not enough just to do it yourself."

"Oh," I said. Then: "Would you help me out?"

Her face lit up. "Would I ever," she said. She grabbed me, dragged me down the hallway, and chucked me out the window. Then she walked away.

I sat on the ground, covered in glass, and didn't feel like going anywhere at all. I watched the sun set.

***

Story #92 - Taking Down Street Signs

2010-05-31T14:41:00.000-07:00

Hello, and happy Memorial Day (US)! I hope you are having a good holiday, and if not, then I am deeply sorry. Please enjoy this week's story.

Remember: I am always looking for submissions of stories, poems, audio, or anything for the site. Check the submission guidelines and send me an email. Thanks!

***
Taking Down Street Signs
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was walking in my neighborhood when I saw a STOP sign in an intersection. I didn't feel like it needed to be there. So I found a nearby brick and removed the sign from its post, then hid it underneath some plants. I felt better now. Then I did this for the other three signs at the intersection.

I did the same to a street sign that I saw. I figured, if you don't know what street you're on, you don't deserve to know. I thought about replacing it with a sign that said "LEARN GEOGRAPHY."

Street signs aren't instructive. They're lazy. Do you really need to be reminded to drive slow if there are children around? And how many times the speed limit have to be posted, anyway? "DO NOT ENTER" signs impinges on our right to go anywhere we want. My brick and I were just trying to make a stand for freedom.

I was arrested so many times, you wouldn't believe.

***

Story #91 - Stayed In The Shower

2010-05-24T16:09:00.001-07:00

Hello everyone, here is a story for your Monday night. Please remember that I would like to read submissions from you, so please email me something to put on the website. I hope you enjoy today's story.

***

Stayed in the Shower
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was taking a shower, and was about to turn the water off and head out, when I thought, wait, why am I doing that? Being in the shower is nice. It feels good to have warm water around me, and I like the water pressure coming out of the shower head. So instead I stayed in. I pulled the shower curtains closed tight. I wondered if I should turn the water off, but thought, no, if it's off then I'm just standing in an empty shower, and that's just silly.

After a few hours the water stopped being warm, which I expected, but it was okay. I had become acclimated to the warm water, and then as it became less warm I slowly got used to the increasing levels of coldness. So the cold water actually felt good, instead of terrible, as it usually does.

Eventually the water just shut off completely. This made me very upset. Is this not my apartment? Don't I get a choice in how much water I get to use in my average day? So as a protest I did leave the shower, but turned on every faucet I could think of. I left the water running in the sink, I started the dishwasher, I flushed the toilet twenty times. Of course, these all shut off eventually too. I was pissed. I wanted to yell angrily at my landlord, but he was out of town. Also being in the water so long meant I had trouble not being in water, so after my initial rush passed and the cold air started finding me, I had to hide.

I didn't come out for several days. I still might not - you should see my utility bill this month.

***

Story #90 - Keyed Everyone's Car

2010-05-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

Hello again! It is time now for another Land of Bad Decisions story. If you like it, please consider writing something of your own and sending it to me! Please enjoy this week's entry.

***

Keyed Everyone's Car
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was leaving early from a baseball game (the team I liked was losing 1-17) when, drunk off of $10 beers, I came across the parking lot. After thinking only for a moment, I took my keys out of my pocket and ran them across the side of everyone’s car.

Personally I had a great time. At first I would try to think of interesting designs I could do, like drawing flowers or waves. Then I realized that what I really wanted was to hit every car in the parking lot. The game was in the 7th inning, and I only had so much time. So I ran from one end to the other, keys in both my hands, ruining everyone’s paint. It was so fulfilling when I got the last car, just in time for the game to be over. As people started walking to their cars, I was long gone, thinking they would never know it was me.

Here’s how they knew it was me: they traced the marks on the keys and found out which key it belonged to, and did that for every mark I made. They knew what keys were on my keychain. Then they put them together and figured out who would own this set of keys, referenced with who attended the game. This was enough evidence to put me in a jail for a little while.

I’m not even mad at anyone. I am genuinely impressed.

***

Story #89 - Tried To Break A Tree By Kicking It

2010-05-10T17:04:00.000-07:00

The Land of Bad Decisions is back! Once again I'll be posting something new every Monday night. I hope that you enjoyed the Month of Bad Decisions, something that I'll definitely do again next April. Thanks for reading and for sending in your submissions.

And just a reminder - I take submissions year round. And also I just want to clarify, I will almost never reject anything you send to me. I want to hear different voices of different writers, talking about their own bad decisions. So write something and submit! In the meantime, enjoy today's story.

***

Tried to Break a Tree by Kicking It
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was walking in the woods when I heard a loud snap. I looked down to see that I had stepped on a small twig, breaking it. This, I decided, was a great idea. I went around looking for other twigs, branches, and roots that I could break with my feet. It was a good way to spend an afternoon. But I wanted more. I wanted to break a tree.

I knew I couldn’t break something like an oak tree. But I didn’t want to break one of those skinny trees you see in grocery store parking lots. I wanted the real thing. I settled on a cedar tree in the middle of the forest that I thought no one would miss. “Okay,” I said. “It is you and me.” Then I imagined the tree had a face, and kicked it in the face.

Of course it didn’t work. But I tried again, and again and again. I barely made any dent in the tree. I tried many different spots, hoping that this would be the tree’s center of gravity and/or weak spot. No luck. I wasn’t convinced, though, that it was due to my lack of leg strength. I stood a few feet away, reared up, got a running start, jumped and stuck my leg out.

I completely fucking missed. I landed on my leg funny. I had to be medivaced and undergo physical therapy. You win this round, tree, but next time? Watch your ass.

***

Story #88 - Chainsaw Juggling - MBD #30

2010-04-30T08:59:00.001-07:00

We have made it to the end of the Month of Bad Decisions! Thirty stories in thirty days. You can catch up on the entire month here. And a big thank you to everyone who contributed this month: Daniel Wong, Nazanine Hozar, Gabrielle Pope, Lewis Kelly, Claire Stilwell, Michelle Wright, Heather Mann, and andrea bennett!

I don't know about you but I'm exhausted, so this blog is going to be off next week. But we'll be back with a new story on Monday, May 10. In the meantime, you can contribute to the blog by submitting a story, poem, or whatever you want by reading the guidelines and emailing them to me. I hope you enjoyed the Month of Bad Decisions, and please continue to read the blog! Enjoy today's story.

***

Chainsaw Juggling
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

If this is your very first time doing this, don’t turn them on just yet.

***

Story #87 - Red Velvet Cake, by andrea bennett - MBD #29

2010-04-29T17:09:00.000-07:00

Today is the second to last day of the Month of Bad Decisions! April has been pretty great, I must say, and we've had some amazing writers come in and share their stories. And now we have one more: andrea bennett!

andrea bennett is a first-year creative writing MFA student at UBC. Her work has appeared in the Antigonish Review and Broken Pencil. She is also the incoming poetry editor for PRISM international. Thanks, andrea!

Just a small programming note: Tomorrow will be the last day of the Month of Bad Decisions, then the blog will go on hiatus for a week. But I'll be back with a new post on Monday, May 10. And a reminder - I do take submissions year-round, so please send in something for the site. Now enjoy andrea's story!

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Red Velvet Cake
by andrea bennett

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I decided that I could eat the red velvet cake.

This was after I decided that celiac's disease was a naturopathic figment of North American imagination. Someone, somewhere had made it up in order to sell more buckwheat flour.

The cake had a bounce and an elasticity that'd become unfamiliar. Cream cheese icing that measured an inch thick.

Just look at that crumb, I said to my roommate, who belonged to the cake. So fluffy! So moist!

You can probably have gluten sometimes, right? she replied. Like, it's not going to kill you or anything.

My roommate and I buttressed each other's bad decisions, meaning that we ate nothing but red velvet cake until all of the red velvet cake was eaten.

Do you think my insides are dyed now? My roommate licked her plate.

It was red velvet cake day two.

I farted.

I do not want to know what my insides look like now, I said.

I think I am going to have to open all the windows in this house, said my roommate.

Excuse me. I am going to go the bathroom, I said.

After I left the bathroom three days later, I decided to buy shares in buckwheat flour.

***

Story #86 - Watched Too Many Movies - MBD #28

2010-04-28T17:43:00.000-07:00

The end of the Month of Bad Decisions is in sight! Only 2 days left!

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Watched Too Many Movies
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was going to have a movie marathon. But this wasn’t going to be a lame one, that was only two or three movies. I was going to watch every movie in my collection, one after the other, only stopping for food and bathroom breaks. I wasn’t going to go outside on nice days like today. I was going to do my part.

So I started with a movie that was about three hours long, just to get into the mood. It was one I had seen a million times before. It still held up. Then I got up, put in the next one, and watched it. That was my exercise – getting up to change the movie. Although I would have preferred if my DVD player could just do that automatically, that would be great. (Later I found out about Netflix Watch Instantly, but that is another bad decision for another time.)

Two things happened to me. One, I didn’t sleep. I had accounted for the fact that I might get tired and drift off, but that didn’t occur. I stayed up and watched every second. The other thing was that after watching only movies, I started to believe that I myself was in a movie. That it was my duty assigned by the story to watch these over and over until the end of my days. If I didn’t something bad would happen. Or alternately, the hero would eventually come and wake me out of my movie-induced hibernation, and say something about “freedom” or something stupid.

Unluckily for me I had one of those new “social responsibility” TVs, so after 3,000 hours a blue screen came up saying “THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD,” and the TV shut itself off, never to be turned on again. I would have gotten upset, only I could no longer move. I was stuck to my seat.

Story #85 - Went By Something New, by Heather Mann - MBD #27

2010-04-27T18:03:00.000-07:00

It's the last week of the Month of Bad Decisions, and I have for you today a new story by Heather Mann!

Heather Mann, originally from Waterloo, Ontario, is an award-winning graduate student in psychology, who has been known to perform brain scans of people. Thanks Heather for submitting a story!

Another reminder, if you want to submit something for the site check out the guidelines and email it to me. Please enjoy today's bad decision!

***

Went by Something New
by Heather Mann

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was feeling a little ragged after floating for hours in hypothermic water, having my throat punched in by a theatre crewman, and getting well-acquainted with the cement floor of a prison cell, so I thought I might spare my body this time. I decided to change my name.

I spent some time brainstorming all variety of terrible name choices. I thought about “George Bush”, but I figured some folks might view it as hip irony. Next, I considered names like “Jackass”, but again, that seemed like it could almost be cool. In the land of bad decisions, I didn’t want to live in the suburbs; I wanted to be right downtown. I decided to go with “Pervy Creep”.

Who knew that changing one’s name entails a jungle gym of bureaucracy? The legal forms took hours to fill out, and the government kept sending them back, thinking I’d misspelled or something. Then try convincing the ID issuers you’re for real. Even my colleagues didn’t really buy it; a few made cracks about how Pervy suited me, but they soon reverted to calling me by my former title. And it’s harder than you might think to train yourself to just ignore the name you grew up with. I think there’s psychological research on that.

So, I felt like in my journey to get to the land of bad decisions, I was just waiting around at the bus stop. It was time to get going, to go for broke. I walked into the first tattoo parlour I saw, and gave the dude my order: “I answer only to ‘Pervy Creep’,” in easy-to-read black font, across my forehead.

Amid the sheer agony of the tattoo needle, I imagined my future grandchildren, gazing up at me with cherubic faces, and begging, “Grandma Creep, tell us about another bad decision!”

***

Story #84 - Frost Burn, by Michelle Wright - MBD #26

2010-04-26T19:23:00.000-07:00

Hi there! If you missed it over the weekend, there was a story by Claire Stilwell. And today we have an amazing story by another great author: Michelle Wright!

Michelle is a Canadian writer, currently finishing up the MFA program at the University of British Columbia. Her work has appeared in the magazines Grain and subTerrain. She is also a good friend of mine, and like all the writers for LOBD, she is awesome at everything. Thanks, Michelle!

Just a reminder - if you're interested in submitting something, read the submission guidelines and send something my way. In the meantime enjoy Michelle's story!

***

Frost Burn
by Michelle Wright

It figured was probably a bad decision to bury it in the playground. I mean some kid could run after a ball or something and step on it. Maybe they would trip. And the location was also very practical. The body was really heavy.

If you run over someone’s dog and no one’s around to see it, did you really run over someone’s dog? Or did the dog just run away? Or get kidnapped? Or go to a picturesque farm somewhere with wide open spaces to chase friendly chickens in?

In any case, it wasn’t breathing, so I decided to bury it in playground mulch. Unfortunately, just as I was elbow deep in dirt and sand, a bell rang and the elementary school beside the park puked kids at me. They were screaming and frothing and I took off with the body, because, really, who knew what those kids would do to it? They don’t understand reality at all.

So I took it home and now I’m stuck with it. I’ve made a nice spot in my freezer, right by the chicken breasts and peas. It’s pretty comforting actually. Who knew a frozen dog could be such a great addition to your life? I’m pretty sure I’m going to take it with me when I move.

***

Story #83 - Put My Fingers In An Industrial Fan - MBD #25

2010-04-25T19:17:00.001-07:00

We're heading into the last week of the Month of Bad Decisions! Here is today's story, please enjoy.

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Put My Fingers in an Industrial Fan
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I’ve always been told that you are not supposed to put your fingers in a fan. But I thought, how bad could it be? I mean maybe your finger gets nicked. I should be smart enough not to lose anything. So I tried it on the nearest fan. Unfortunately it had one of those grills on the front, so I couldn’t get through. I outsmarted it, though, and took it off. The fan was a little plastic thing, and you know what? It wasn’t that bad. I put my finger there, and the blades stopped moving. It was neat. I was able to bring something like this to a halt.

I tried a wooden ceiling fan, just stuck my hand up there. The same thing happened. It hurt a little bit, okay, but it wasn’t bad like I’d heard so often. I tried a metal fan, and yeah it was a bit more painful but it was just like the rest. I liked stopping these fans from working, nearly (I thought) breaking them.

I had a friend who worked somewhere that had an industrial fan. So I asked him one day if I could take a tour of the facility. He let me, and we went all around the floor. When he got to the fan he said, “Don’t go near there,” and I said, “Okay,” and I ran away before he could react and I stuck my arm inside.

Oh, the blood.

***

Story #82 - Kept Walking By Accident, by Claire Stilwell - MBD #24

2010-04-24T19:20:00.000-07:00

Hello, today we have a new LOBD story by Claire Stilwell! Claire is originally from Alberta and now goes to law school in Vancouver, BC. Maybe one day she will represent you! That means you should probably be nice to her! Please enjoy the story, and if you want to submit your own take a look at the guidelines by clicking the link on the right.

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Kept Walking by Accident
by Claire Stilwell

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I really couldn’t wait to live in the land of bad decisions, especially after reading about it on Dan Schwartz’s blog. I imagined myself getting up one morning, and deciding to do something crazy, or at least seriously lacking in common sense, and then probably saying the F word later, when I’m telling all my friends the story. The thing is, though, I seem to have ended up here sort of by accident, without any bad-decision satisfaction. I mean, there are some trips to the land of bad decisions that you make like you fell asleep behind the wheel and ended up in a field, who knows where, and who knows how. You just end up stuck in the middle of all the consequences, sort of by surprise.

When I say stuck in the consequences, I really mean floating, because that’s what I’m doing right now. You see, the thing is, we don’t have tides in the prairies. Sure, wheat fields can roll back and forth in the wind, but they never actually creep closer to you and grab your ankles and they definitely don’t drag you away. So I didn’t even know, when I went for a walk on the beach, and just kept walking, even when the water started lapping at my toes, my shins, and then my knees, that I was headed to the land of bad decisions. But now that I’m salty and wet and trying to remember how to float like a starfish, I’m pretty sure that I’m here, living in the land of bad decisions. And I guess I wanted it. So it’s cool. Actually, it’s pretty f--king cold.

***

Story #81 - Insulting A Zebra - MBD #23

2010-04-23T18:09:00.000-07:00

The Month of Bad Decisions only has one week left! Can you believe it? Here's today's story, and please do submit your own for the site. In the meantime, you can catch up with the rest of this month here.

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Insulting a Zebra
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I read a poll once that said that zebras were the worst animals. I personally didn’t agree, but I thought that they could be made fun of. So I went up to the nearest zebra and said, “hey, look at this poll.” I showed him the results. The zebra seemed impassive, but I could tell that he was secretly hurt.

“Hey, what’s more useless than a zebra?” I said. “Oh wait, nothing. Sorry, I keep forgetting that.” The zebra looked in my direction, then looked away. Clearly he did not want to respond. But that wasn’t good enough. “What do you call a zebra with no legs?” I said. I couldn’t think of an answer, so I said “Who even cares!” It wasn’t a great joke, but the zebra still didn’t respond. So then I just started calling it names like “worthless” and “stupid” and “stripey.” The zebra eventually wandered off, and I assumed I had won and that the zebra was going to go home and think about its uselessness.

When I got home I was the subject of a scathing post on the zebra’s blog, and he received 1,526 comments all agreeing that I was the worst person in the world. My IP address was blocked from all websites, ever, including email. I was also evicted from my home, due to complaints from neighbors that I was too shitty to be around. So I am thinking of ways to get back at that zebra. I am thinking of writing a tell-all book.

***

Story #80 - Played In Wet Cement - MBD #22

2010-04-22T17:50:00.000-07:00

There are only eight days left in the Month of Bad Decisions! Make sure you submit your story or poem soon. Meanwhile, enjoy today's story.

***

Played in Wet Cement
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was walking down the street and I saw this cement that was being put in this sidewalk and there was no one around, so with my finger I wrote the words “FUCK” and “SHIT” in there. I thought it was fun. The only thing was that I wasn’t able to wash my hands in time, so my finger actually became encased in cement. Which kind of sucked.

There was a big uproar in the community, trying to figure out who had written those obscene words in the sidewalk. They filled it in, sure, but they were very upset. Town leaders held hearings and everything. So I hid. No one was allowed to look at my hands. I wore oversized gloves, or sometimes a novelty foam finger.

I thought of borrowing a jackhammer to get the cement off, but I couldn't’t think of a way to do that without losing my finger as well. I liked that finger. It had always served me well. It was hard to type, sure, but I bought a giant keyboard to compensate. There was a bit of trouble with remembering not to hit myself in the face.

Eventually they did force everyone in town to show their hands, and when they found me out I was given a restraining order to not come within 100 miles of that sidewalk. That’s okay. I needed a fresh start. Somewhere, preferably, where no one knows about me, or what I did. That would be for the best.

***

Story #79 - Ate Only Salt - MBD #21

2010-04-21T17:52:00.000-07:00

The Month of Bad Decisions continues! Here is today's story. Please enjoy.

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Ate Only Salt
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was reading this book about how salt is so great, how it changed the world and was extremely important. So I thought, maybe I will only eat salt, and then maybe in that way I too could become extremely important. I figured it was the sort of thing that never tried before because it was too good of an idea.

So in the morning I would have some salt, and also at every other time in the day. I preferred the kind that came in small cubes, as it was easier to feel like I was eating something. I wouldn’t eat salty foods, mind you. Like I’d get potato chips, but I would take all the salt from the chip, throw the chip away and then eat the salt. I’d drink water, but only if it had plenty of salt in it.

I was surprised but I wasn’t too surprised when I collapsed on the floor and was unable to move until I was hospitalized for months. After the physical therapy, I was told I could never eat salt again. But I have too much of a craving now. I am hoping that I can balance it out now by only eating sugar.

***

Story #78 - Took A Leave Of Absence - MBD #20

2010-04-20T18:01:00.001-07:00

There are only 10 days left now in the Month of Bad Decisions! I hope you've been enjoying the bad decisions so far. If so, leave a comment and let me know how you feel about things. Also don't forget to send your own submissions. Enjoy today's story!

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Took A Leave Of Absence
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

One day I decided I would take an extended leave of absence – from work, from my life, everything. So I left. It didn’t take long. A plane ticket to another country, one with very lax immigration laws. I had no place to stay and no chance of finding work. I tried to fall in with some crowds, but everyone kept telling me I was an asshole. So I was on my own.

I basically travelled until the money I had ran out. I saw some amazing sights, places that I would have never gone to otherwise. I tried to visit as many natural habitats as I could. After I thought I had explored one country, I would move on to the next. This lasted until I was down to my last coin, which I lost during a heavy rainstorm. I mostly stayed out in the street.

I think maybe I had this idea that people back home would be worried about me when I didn’t show up after so long of a time? But, again, too much of an asshole. So no one looked for me.

Eventually I was forcefully deported when I was sleeping on the side of a national monument. I want to emphasize: I didn’t intend to urinate on it, I was just having night terrors. But anyway. Once I came home, I thought it would be easy to regain my old life back. But it didn’t work. Everyone could tell that I had changed – or worse, that I hadn’t changed enough. So I guess that my leave of absence is still in progress.

***

Story #77 - Talked At The Theatre - MBD #19

2010-04-19T18:29:00.000-07:00

Hello, and good evening! If you missed it, over the weekend there were stories from two new contributors: Gabrielle Pope and Lewis Kelly. Please read them and enjoy them! And submit your own story, it would be a good idea. In the meantime, here is today's story for the Month of Bad Decisions.

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Talked at the Theatre
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was at this play, and I didn’t like it, so I said “This is some bullshit!” out loud so that everyone could hear. I got my cell phone out and turned the ringer on, as loud as it would go. The play immediately stopped. The spotlight operator shined a light directly in my face. An announcement came on saying, “Everyone, please line up.” The entire audience, cast members, crew, director, even the ushers came and formed a single file line.

A cue was heard over the P.A., and then they slapped me. One person would go, and then another, and so on for a thousand times. Not all of them slapped me, some poked me in the eyes or tried to break my nose. One man tried to give me papercuts with his program.

After everyone was done, the last person (one of the crew) punched me right in the throat. I tried to talk, but I could only wheeze unintelligibly. He then smashed my cell phone under his foot. “Thank you,” someone said, and then the play resumed as normal, as if nothing had happened. And they wouldn’t let me leave. I had to watch the whole rest of that fucking play.

***

Story #76 - Untitled, by Lewis Kelly - MBD #18

2010-04-18T19:46:00.000-07:00

Today we have another contributor to the Month of Bad Decisions: Lewis Kelly! Lewis was born in Calgary, grew up in Edmonton, and now lives in Vancouver, where he allegedly studies Journalism. You can read his writing at his blog, Shark Sandwich. He has written a story today for you, and has indicated that he wants to do something cool for the site in the future. He is a good person! Enjoy his story!

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Untitled
by Lewis Kelly

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

The problem was, I couldn't make any bad decisions -- or, rather, I couldn't make one particular bad decision that I very much wanted to make.

It all started one day when I realized that when I have kids, if I ever have kids, I'll want to have some wild exploits with which to regale them while they are dandied about on knees and so on. I wanted to have a cooler stories than “kids, let me tell you about the time Dad was a regional finalist in the Annual Alberta Scrabble Showdown” or “hey, that reminds me of this craaaaazy viola recital I saw once at the Carnegie.”

So I thought, what's cool? Obvious answer: drugs. And so I set out to buy some. I didn't have any particular sort in mind. I just wanted to create some great stories to tell my kids. These drugs will be an investment in my future, I thought.

One of the first challenges the burgeoning narcotics enthusiast encounters is the fact that no drug dealer will ever, ever have a straightforward conversation about the goods they purvey. They just lounge around in dark glasses making oblique reference to their products. While this makes it harder for law enforcement to obtain iron-clad legal evidence against them, it also leads to exchanges like the ones I began having with these trench-coated men of ill repute.

“I hear you're a good person to talk to about, you know, white.”

“Yeah, man. For you, special price.”

And then five minutes later I'd be walking away with a small plastic bag of what would turn out to be icing sugar, or baking soda, or, one time, both. One time, I tried asking for benzoylmethylecogonine, but the guy just looked at me like I had grown a third eye and then walked off muttering something about gentrification.

The whole project seemed doomed to failure until one night I was arrested for buying what turned out to be the world's most expensive sea salt. I spent the night in the holding cells, which I shared with two gentlemen named Stubbs and Tyrone. It was an educational evening.

***

Story #75 - Unicorn, by Gabrielle Pope - MBD #17

2010-04-17T18:35:00.000-07:00

Today for the Month of Bad Decisions we have a new story by Gabrielle Pope! She is an awesome writer in the second year of the MFA program at UBC who writes fiction, non-fiction and plays. She is currently a restaurant reviewer for yelp.ca and writes about the Vancouver Canucks for ProHockeyNews. Please check out her blog, and enjoy this story!

And remember, this blog is all about hearing different authors, so submit something yourself.

***

Unicorn
by Gabrielle Pope

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

This guy slept on my couch and he left a bag of fungus. I ate them.

Then I decided to go to my fiancé’s family reunion. Everyone was really weird looking, and it made me rethink my pending marriage. Are my future children’s faces going to melt?

I ran away and proposed to a unicorn I found drinking spring water at some ridiculously dramatic waterfall. It was never going to work out. One small fart of perfume out of his ass and I was never going to date a unicorn again. I have allergies.

I decided to write a memoir, but not include any vowels. This destroyed my life, and I died for lack of sun and water.

While dead, I found myself still able to make bad decisions. So I dug up a bunch of graves to see if the other dead people wanted to hang out with me. They didn’t.

I was really craving rice cakes, so I crashed a diet spa and ate every piece of puffed rice I could find. Maybe some of them were not puffed rice, but I was dead, so cut me some slack.

I found myself missing the unicorn. Perfume farts are probably a common problem in relationships, one that could be worked out. I arranged for the unicorn and myself to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show.

I fell in love with Oprah.

I decided to start an Oprah Winfrey fan blog. Turns out, I wasn’t the first.

The unicorn left me.

***

Story #74 - Punched A Light Bulb - MBD #16

2010-04-16T17:34:00.000-07:00

Hi, please have a good weekend and enjoy this story for today. The Month of Bad Decisions continues for two more weeks!

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Punched a Light Bulb
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was reading in my bed, and I became tired, and I wanted to turn out the lamp. But the switch was too far away. So instead I just punched out the light bulb. It shattered released a fine mist or gas, and my hand hurt like shit. However, the light was off now. So I went to sleep.

The next day my hand still hurt, but I kind of got addicted to it. So I went through my house, just punching out all the lights I could find. It stung. But I was so gleeful, you should have seen the smile on my face. The best were the overhead lights, because then the debris would fall around me.

When there were no more lights left in my house, I went to a department store. Originally the plan was that I would by more, but then I thought, why not just punch these ones right here? It wasn’t exactly the same thrill because the light bulbs weren’t plugged into anything, but it was still fun. Except those fluorescent lights, those are just awful.

Eventually I was apprehended by the store security, where they showed me pictures of intact light bulbs just to torment me. My hand still hurts. I’m not sure if it will ever recover, and I’m less sure if I want it to.

***

Story #73 - Walked Into The Middle Of The Road - MBD #15

2010-04-15T17:03:00.000-07:00

Today is April 15, which means that we are halfway through the Month of Bad Decisions! Catch up with the archives here. Only fifteen more days to go. Help out by submitting your own story, poem or etcetera to the address on the right. Please enjoy today's story!

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Walked into the Middle of the Road
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was walking on the sidewalk one day, when I thought, Fuck this, who says I have to be here and the car has to be there? So I stepped into the road. It wasn’t too busy of a street, but still the drivers there had problems with me. They would honk as they passed me by. I started a running count of how many times I was honked. A long sustained one counted as two.

Luckily there were no car accidents that were immediately caused by me. But still, people in the cars hated the fact that I could be so bold. They flipped me off as they passed. Some even balled up pieces of paper and threw them at me as they passed. I could hear the cheering as they hit. One asshole even threw his car radio at me, but I picked it up and threw it right back at him, breaking his back windshield.

At which point he felt the need to stop his car and lecture me, explain to me what I was doing wrong. But I kept walking. And he followed me. Which means that even he was now getting yelled at and flipped off and having things thrown at him.

We continued on like this, past drivers and cars that were so upset at us. Some even held their fists out as they passed by so that they could hit us in the junk. By the time I was dragged forcefully out of the road by some drivers who had a rope, I counted at least 1,095 honks. Maybe one day I can beat my own record.

***

Story #72 - Yelled For Hours - MBD #14

2010-04-14T18:16:00.000-07:00

Here is a new story, please enjoy!

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Yelled For Hours
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I went up to the roof of my building and I said, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” and so on and so forth. I did this for hours and hours. I wouldn’t even stop to take a breath – if I felt myself passing out, I just sort of doubled over until my body was too confused. It wasn’t an angry yell. It wasn’t even a cathartic yell. It was just sort of there, like a passing ambulance, or more like a non-ending steam whistle.

Some people took notice, though, and threw rocks up at me. One of them did hit me and break my nose. Someone threw a car battery, someone else managed to get a whole cinder block. The cinder block didn’t break, it sort of landed with a thunk. There was also an empty stroller thrown up, a car jack, a bicycle tire, and an outdated video game system.

But what eventually stopped me was the birds. For a while a bunch of birds had been gathering around me, and then one flew directly into my mouth. That finally stopped me from yelling. I had to remove the bird, but by the time I did that the other birds had surrounded me and started pecking at various parts of my body. And the thing is, I wanted to yell for real now, but I was so exhausted and my voice was so gone that instead I curled up and went to sleep, while the birds tore various parts of my skin away.

***

Story #71 - Filled A House Full Of Tea - MBD #13

2010-04-13T14:53:00.001-07:00

Hello again, it is time for another story in the Month of Bad Decisions! If you are just reading this site for the first time, I am posting a new story every day for the month of April, instead of once a week as I usually do. Also, if you want to submit your own story, poem, or whatever, please do and it will run on the site. For now, enjoy today's story.

***

Filled a House Full of Tea
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I wanted a tea house. That is to say, I wanted to fill my house completely full of tea. So I turned on every faucet in my place after stopping up any drains I had. Soon I had flooded my entire house. But the water wasn’t warm. What was the point of that? I thought about turning on some of the electrical stuff in the house, then realized that would probably be an even worse decision. So I had to let all the water out.

What I did next was to install one of those instant hot water faucets that old people have. Then I had to insulate my house more, so that the heat wouldn’t immediately escape. I studied how an electric kettle worked, but still didn’t understand it so I got an engineer friend of mine to do it. All of this was expensive, but I felt it was worth it.

I tried again, and my house was completely full of hot water. I opened up a window on the top floor and threw in a hundred tea bags. Then I waited a few days for the water to steep. It looked great. At first I thought I might swim in it, but I did not want to be scalded. So I grabbed a cup, dipped it into the tea, and drank it. It tasted like furniture. It’s possible that I might have got my measurements wrong.

But it worked. I have all the tea that I could need, in my house, whenever I wanted it. Only, some fucking kids came by and broke one of my windows, and all the tea came flowing out. Now there is a giant mess in front of my house that I refuse to clean up, no matter what anyone says.

***

Story #70 - The Day I Lost My Skin, by Nazanine Hozar - MBD #12

2010-04-12T17:05:00.000-07:00

Today we have a new story by Vancouver author Nazanine Hozar! Naz is an amazing writer, whose work is forthcoming in Prairie Fire magazine. She is good at everything. Thank you, Naz! Please enjoy her story, and if you feel the need to submit something yourself click on the Submission Guidelines on the right.

***

The Day I Lost My Skin
by Nazanine Hozar

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I woke up one morning and decided I no longer wanted my skin. After my morning routine, I found the old Swiss army knife my Dad gave me for my Bat Mitzvah and began to cut my skin off. At first I could only cut in little chunks, since I wasn’t used to the way skin moved around your flesh. But after a while, I got used to it. An hour in, I got better and peeled the rest off in one go. I was quite surprised by all the things I found under my skin. When my task was finally accomplished, it was about that time to head to work and take on a new day.

Since I had no skin, I decided there was no reason to wear clothes. It’s amazing how a skinless body is different from one that’s not. Though I did wear my runners to help me walk faster. It was then that a swarm of mosquitoes from the nearby park came rushing towards me. I guess, since I no longer had skin, they figured it’d be easier to suck out my blood. But when they lodged onto my flesh, the mosquitoes became trapped between the folds of fat and muscle. I didn’t want to make a scene but I had hundreds of them stuck to me and it was uncomfortable. I tried to pick them off one by one but realized it would take too long and I’m not a patient person.

Luckily, that was when the sun came out. Its rays penetrated my flesh and burned the mosquitoes off. But since I had decided to have no skin the rays also incinerated my flesh. Now all that’s left of me is my skeleton.

***

Story #69 - Overstated My Importance - MBD #11

2010-04-11T18:07:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, got a new story today! The Month of Bad Decisions continues on. I've got something really great coming up tomorrow, so make sure you come back for that. For now, here is today's story.

***

Overstated My Importance
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was feeling very good one day. So I decided that I was extremely important, and that everyone should know it. I wrote a blog post that said, “It might not be clear but I am the most important person on this planet.” I received no comments.

It continued at work. My boss came and asked me to do something. “I can’t right now,” I said. “I’m too important.” Then I realized what I sad might not have the same effect while playing Solitaire. If I believed I was important, then I had to act important. So I got up and said, “I’m also going to make a few changes. Firstly, I will now receive $750,000 a month. All phone calls will be directed to me, then to someone else, then back to me.” I was quickly fired.

I took it upon myself to inform my landlord that I was actually his landlord, and that he owed me the late rent money. He responded by turning off my water and gas. That’s okay, as I own the utility companies.

I went to the bank and said, “I am the president of this bank.” Only it turns out that they can verify that sort of thing, so it didn’t go well.

So I then declared myself to be Emperor of Earth, and that all world business would have to be funneled through me. Then I realized I was too important for affairs like that, so I delegated my responsibility to my underlings, a.k.a. the leaders of most of the nations and a few other people. So far, so good. I am currently taking applications for a high-level position – maybe a minister of something.

***

Story #68 - Defaced A Painting - MBD #10

2010-04-10T16:55:00.000-07:00

Here we have the 10th posting in the Month of Bad Decisions! If you're just checking out the site, catch up on the whole month. There are some other ones in the archives. And also submit something yourself!

***

Defaced a Painting
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was at this art museum, and I saw a painting in front of me. It was entirely black, with a few white spots on it. It looked terrible to me, but I guess I am not one to judge. I thought that maybe now was the time to do something. I looked around me. I was the only one in the room. I stepped forward and placed my hand on the painting.

Museum guards are fucking fast, let me tell you. Within seconds of putting my hand there I was face down on the floor, with a guard holding me down with his knee. Another guard took out a baton (they have batons, did you know that?) and started to beat me across the head with it. A third guard came and kicked me in the shins, I don’t know why. When I was done they sat me on a chair and took turns punching my face.

The last thing they did was take me to the second floor balcony of the museum overlooking the lobby and threw me off of it. I landed with a thud on the ground. Then they carted my body outside, took any possessions I had, and left me in the middle of the street. They handed me a piece of paper that said “Lifetime Ban” on it.

I guess some people just take art very seriously.

***

Story #67 - Went To Live In A Remote Shack - MBD #9

2010-04-09T19:08:00.000-07:00

Hello, and happy Friday to you all. Here is another story in the Month of Bad Decisions. As always, please submit your own story or poem or whatever for the site!

***

Went to Live in a Remote Shack
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I left behind all my possessions and went to live in a remote shack in the desert. It was just me and a well and the hot sun. I had to learn how to live on my own. I would go out and look for vegetables, or maybe kill an extremely small and timid animal. I made a solar powered oven for myself. One time I used pieces of the wood from the shack to make tea, which I don’t recommend.

It was boring at first, but I found ways to keep myself entertained. I would run around the shack until I got tired. Sometimes I would walk as far as I could, to find out from how far away I could still see the shack. And sometimes I would make sculptures out of the rock and clay that was around me. They weren’t very good, and I have no intention of showing anyone. But mostly I just stood outside in the sun and didn’t do anything. I closed my eyes and lay down, and let my mind go. A few insects would crawl all over me, which I was at first upset about, but eventually was okay with.

In the end I had to leave the shack because it turned out not to be monsoon proof. Luckily I was outside the time, but I had just woken up, so I didn’t believe it at first when I saw the shack being washed away, like the remnants of a proud boat.

***

Story #66 - Making Obscene Gestures - MBD #8

2010-04-08T16:25:00.001-07:00

Here is a new story for you, please continue to enjoy the Month of Bad Decisions.

***

Making Obscene Gestures
by Dan Schwartz

I walked around the town today with my middle finger permanently outstretched. No one seemed to notice at first. Then I brought it in front of my face, so that everyone could see. Then people noticed, but usually that meant they walked around me or flipped me off right back.

So I did every obscene gesture I could think of with my hands, and when I ran out of ones I knew I had to make some up, like jumping up and down while whistling, or grabbing the insides of my teeth. Once I walked down the street doing a handstand, flexing my legs in the air one at a time.

But the thing is, nobody really noticed or cared. They might have glanced at me once, and then went on with what they were doing. I realized what happened – everyone was so used to seeing assholes on the street that they no longer pay attention to them. They just carry on.

So my bad decision didn’t really affect me or anyone else. The only thing I lost was my dignity, and it’s not like that was around much anyway.

***

Story #65 - Wrote A Fake Memoir - MBD #7

2010-04-07T16:26:00.000-07:00

Here is today's story! The Month of Bad Decisions continues on!

***

Wrote a Fake Memoir
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I opened up my word processor and started writing whatever I could think of. I wrote about how below deck during a storm on the Pacific Ocean, how I traveled around the world by the time I was 4. How I became an orphan, and how I befriended a kitten that stayed with me my whole life. I wrote about my failed political ambitions. I wrote about my encounter with aliens. All in all I managed to get about 50,000 words of my touching life story.

I didn’t expect to find a publisher, but when I queried it I received offers from every conceivable publishing house. Suddenly my book was a huge seller. I did hundreds of interviews and media appearances. The best part, I always said, was how everything was unverifiable. (Indeed, there was that chapter about how I lived off the grid for awhile.)

Eventually someone caught on that maybe I wasn’t the lost heir of the Ottoman Empire, and I was forced to make a public clarification. I was lambasted in several newspapers that had previously sung my praises. At one point a genuine pitchfork mob came after me. Sales of my book plummeted, but you can still find them in most remainder bins. However, this experience has been a good one, and I am going to use most of it in my second book.

***

Story #64 - Delayed A Space Shuttle - MBD #6

2010-04-06T19:44:00.000-07:00

Did you see yesterday's MBD entry, or the one before that? Maybe you should! And also please do submit your own works for the site, it would be something that would be okay! Here is today's story.

***

Delaying a Space Shuttle
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was in Florida once, and I saw that there was going to be a space shuttle launch coming soon. Fuck that, I thought. So I did everything I could to stop it.

I called into the control center at important times and asked questions that didn’t go anywhere, just to slow them down. I went in and asked for guided tours, and purposefully made myself a nuisance so they’d have to kick me out. One time I arranged a birthday party festival outside, including clowns and a bouncy castle, even though it wasn’t anyone’s birthday.

I never resorted to physical violence, with the exception of a few bricks thrown in a few windows. I found it better just to annoy them, waste their time, and make them spend money on things that they didn’t need.

All in all, it worked pretty well. But that might, in fact, not have had much to do with me. That’s okay though. I feel right in my own mind.

***

Story #63 - Shitty Day, by Daniel Wong - MBD #5

2010-04-05T14:01:00.000-07:00

Today we have a story that was submitted by Daniel Wong!

Daniel Wong lives in Yellowknife, NWT and works against climate change. His goal is to become the Prime Minister of Canada. I am certain that one day he will ask me to take down this story or at least to change his name.

Please enjoy, and if you want to submit something yourself, please e-mail me.

***

Shitty Day
by Daniel Wong

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I shit my pants today at work.

It was definitely a bad decision. For one, it is very hard to clean shit from your underwear. For two, if the shit gets on your pants too, which it did, you have to stand by a sink with no underwear or pants cleaning the shit from your underwear and pants. Apparently, this type of “behaviour” is not “appropriate” and violates the “employee code of conduct”. Whatever the crap that means.

From time to time, people ask what you are doing. They already almost know the answer because everything smells like shit. There is not much else to say except “I am cleaning shit from my underwear and pants”. It doesn’t matter how it got there. If they ask how it got there, there is not much else to say except “I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.”

I also tell them “it was Dan Schwartz’s idea”. But no one at my office knows Dan Schwartz. And if they did it would still not be okay to shit your own pants. Everyone is responsible for their own decisions.

This sucks.

***

Story #62 - Hit With A Ball-Peen Hammer - MBD #4

2010-04-04T20:34:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, the Month of Bad Decisions continues! Although I'm a bit worried that I'll have nothing more to write after this story. But please enjoy it.

***

Hit With A Ball-Peen Hammer
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Don’t ask why, but I’ve always wanted to be hit with a ball-peen hammer. So, it was simple. I got my friend to do it. He hit me with the hammer. It hurt like fuck. The end.

But I’m wondering, now, if it’s a good idea to accomplish all your dreams, or even if your dreams are worth accomplishing.

But then sometimes I think, how much room really is there in our lives for regret.

***

Story #61 - Meeting a Snake - MBD #3

2010-04-03T18:39:00.000-07:00

Hello, the Month of Bad Decisions continues once again today! 27 left to go. Submit your own!

***

Meeting a Snake
by Dan Schwartz

Meeting a Snake
By Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

In my garden yesterday I found a snake. It was about a foot or so long, and was brown with interesting scales. I had never seen one up close, and knew next to nothing about them.

At first I thought I should just run away. But then I thought – don’t snakes have like cool hallucinogenic venom or something? (Short answer: No.) So I decided to try to get the snake to bite me.

I called it a few names. I said that it was ugly, that it was stupid, that it had bad credit. No response. I picked it up, gently, and sort of threw it away. Still no reaction. It looked like it just wanted to mind its own business. So what I ended up doing was grabbing a spare violin and bashing it over the head.

Well, luckily it turned out to be just a garter snake, and it wasn’t poisonous. The bite still hurt like hell, though, and later it got infected and I had to go see someone about it.

***

Story #60 - Froze the Sidewalk - MBD #2

2010-04-02T08:09:00.001-07:00

The Month of Bad Decisions continues! If you have a submission for the blog, please email me!

***

Froze the Sidewalk
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I decided that I would freeze the sidewalk in front of my house. I got a lot of ice and leftover snow, and even some liquid nitrogen for good measure. I poured it all over my front yard. I wanted it to be winter all the time.

It worked brilliantly. People would be walking or running on the street, and suddenly trip and fall. At which point I would be on my porch in my winter coat, pointing and laughing.

The community zoning board eventually appeared on my doorstep – although they had to wade through a mound of ice and snow to get there. They told me that if I didn’t unfreeze the sidewalk, I would be charged an extremely exorbitant fine. I had used all my money on the liquid nitrogen. So I said, okay.

What I did was, I broke up some of the ice, and left some the way it was. That made my front yard into ice floes. One day these floes will crack and possibly melt, and then my house will become an island.

Fuck you, zoning board.

***

Story #59 - Breaking Vinyl - MBD #1

2010-04-01T11:41:00.000-07:00

Happy April!

I believe it was T.S. Eliot who once said "April is the shittiest, stupidest, worst fucking month," so in honor of this I present to you: The Month of Bad Decisions!

I am going to attempt to post something on this blog every day this month! Thirty days of bad decisions, one after another.

You can participate too! Just send me a submission - write a story, poem, comic, or whatever, and I will put it up as part of the MBD. Just read the submission guidelines here.

Please enjoy!

***

Breaking Vinyl
By Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Although, honestly? What I really wanted was to be a jerk. So I went over to my friend’s house and asked him to play me some vinyl records. “This is some sweet jazz music,” he said.

“Can I take a look at one of these records?” I said.

“Sure,” he said, and handed me an LP from the 1970s that he had purchased for $4.00 at a sale. I took it out of its sleeve, looked at the grooves set deep in the vinyl, and then broke it over the nearest table.

“What the fuck!” he said. But I wasn't done. The vinyl had smashed so easily in my hands, just right in two. So I grabbed some more records and this time used an antique Coke bottle to break it up. Both the bottle and the record made a brilliant mess on the floor.

“That’s what you get for using outdated technology!” I yelled, then I ran away before my friend could get his gun.

I went to my neighborhood record store, where a bunch of people were hanging out and listening to music. I brought a very heavy hammer. I walked down the aisles, just swinging it to and fro. “Fuck you!” I said. “And you as well!” I said. The sound of a breaking vinyl record was the only music I needed to hear.

I was disarmed a few minutes later though. It turns out that I’m not the first one to think of this, and it actually is legal for a record store owner to keep a tire iron for this sort of emergency. The hammer that I used was later used on me, but I understood that this was just.

Also, my friend from earlier went over to my house with a wrench and smashed up my computer and iPod. That’s okay, though – my ears got all bloodied and I won’t be able to hear for a while anyway.

***

Story #58 - Punched A Plate Glass Window

2010-03-29T17:14:00.000-07:00

Good evening to you! I hope you are doing this well. This week may or may not be the start of a new thing! We shall see! But yeah, uh, Thursday might be a good day to check back with this blog.

By the way, you should be reading Newt Gingrich In Space. Just saying.

***

Punched A Plate Glass Window
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I saw this on TV once. A guy got really upset about something, and during a musical montage, he punched his fist through a window. It seemed cool. The guy had a cut on his hand, yeah, but in general he was okay - except of course for the crippling psychological damage.

So I thought, why can't I do it? The first thing I did was carefully pour a glass of whiskey, then drink the rest of the bottle. (The glass was for later.) Then I faced my opponent. It was a solid pane, and it was very clear. "Okay," I said. "Let's do this."

Well, that guy on TV must have had some arm strength (or cutaway glass) because the window just would not break. I punched it as hard as I could, but all I got was a hand that hurt. So I tried to get myself really angry. I figured that if I had to take crippling psychological damage to do this, then so be it. I thought of every fucked up thing that had happened - not just to me, but to everyone at any time. I got angry at people I loved. I imagined that there was nothing I could do, not ever, not for any time.

It worked. The glass shattered into tiny pieces.. My hand got all bloodied and dark. It was brilliant. And I immediately felt better.

Then I lost my balance. Here's a tip: don't try this on the eighth floor of an eight-story building.

***

Story #57 - Flipped Over A Table

2010-03-22T17:24:00.001-07:00

Hi everyone, hope you are having a good time. Here is a story about something!

***
Flipped Over A Table
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was having some tea at my place when I decided to flip over the table I was sitting at, newspaper, mug and all. It was not difficult. The mug crashed, and the table just kind of stood there on its side. It was fun. I decided to do it somewhere else.

I went to a restaurant. I ordered some fried eggs and a coffee. The server was nice. When I got my food, I immediately turned over the table. Everything landed on the floor, including a mess of napkins and some salt and pepper packets. The server reached down, took a knife off the ground, and stabbed me with it. Fortunately, it was not a major wound.

Next I went to a bar. There were a bunch of people at the same table as me, all my friends. We were having our drinks. I moved to flip the table, but it turned out it was bolted to the ground. This was a problem. Luckily, I had brought bolt cutters. "Excuse me," I said to everyone, and crouched under the table and got to work. This time I was able to flip the table just by standing up.

You read and you see videos and you think that flipping a table is cool. But they never show you the aftermath. The glaring eyes, the anger. The mess on the floor. They never, in short, say what to do next. So I just kind of stood there for a minute, and then ran away. A number of people ran after me.

So far I have flipped over 73 tables, not including ones I own that I put back up and then flipped over again. And as of this writing I have only been knocked unconscious three times.

***

Story #56 - Chased Cars

2010-03-15T18:03:00.000-07:00

Greetings! I hope you enjoy this story. Please take care of yourself. Happy Let's All Kill Julius Caesar Day!

***
Chased Cars
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

My dog does this thing where, when a car goes by, he chases after it. So I thought, why can't i do the same thing? I stayed outside my house and waited. A car passed by. I ran after it. The car went even faster. I caught up with it. It was at a stop sign. Then the car door opened, and a man came out with an ice scraper. "Stay the fuck away," he said. "Stay the fuck away from me."

One bandage later, I went downtown and tried to chase cars there. Only, because of the traffic lights and the horrible gridlock, it was way too easy. I walked in between the lanes, banging my hand on the backs of cars. Only a couple of people pulled out their guns. Mostly they just wanted to know why I was hurting them. They were very protective.

I realized my problem - the cars were too slow for me. I needed to go somewhere they were fast. So I headed out to the freeway. It was amazing! It wasn't rush hour, so there were cars there going at like 80 mph. A few passed me by, and I ran after them. This time they were too fast. Even in the slower lanes, I couldn't keep up. But still, the chase. I ran after them until I got tired. I felt so good.

Then, well, you can guess what happened. The first pileup, the one with two cars, I'll admit that was probably my fault. But 18 cars later? Man, people need to be more attentive on the road.

***

Story #55 - Ingested Chalk

2010-03-08T17:36:00.001-08:00

Here is a story this week! Please enjoy! I am thinking of doing a "call for submissions" pretty soon, as the point of this website is to find different people's take on what it means to live in the land of bad decisions. But here is one for today!

***
Ingested Chalk
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

It was after class, and I was staring at the blackboard, and I knew it would taste awful but I really wanted to see what happened if I ingested some of the chalk that was there. So I took a really small piece and ate it. It did taste awful, yes, but eventually went down with no complaint. And then nothing happened. I didn't feel sick or anything. So I left the room.

The next day, when I woke up in my bed, I noticed that there was some kind of faint dusting around me. I didn't know what that was about. I went through the day as normal, until class was over again. I went to the board and put my finger on it. A white dot appeared. I traced my name on the board with my finger, and it appeared whatever I did. So I grabbed more chalk and ate all of it there, taste be damned.

The next day the bed was covered in dust, and there was sort of a haze around my eyes, but I didn't care. Whatever I touched, not just the blackboard, now would have these white dots on it. I went around touching the foreheads of the people I didn't like. Or I would leave chalk marks on the lockers, water fountains, and the like. After school I would just get as much chalk as possible. When I walked home I left chalk footprints on the sidewalk. My room was a mess.

Eventually I found that I could break off my own finger and use it as chalk if I wanted to. I could even put it back on again, if I wanted, but mostly I just kept it in my pocket for convenience. And I found my own skin turning whiter, blindingly so, photoshop-fill so. I eventually found I could turn things that weren't chalk into chalk, which was good because I no longer had the taste for food.

And then some of the things I turned to chalk grew arms and legs, and started to walk around, and then they grew heads with eyes and mouths. They could turn things into chalk, too. And they could eat. So eventually we all went to the school and filled out everywhere, until the whole building had turned to chalk. And we broke the school up into little human-sized pieces, waiting for the transformation.

We haven't decided yet where to go next.

***

Story #54 - Burned House Down

2010-03-01T20:23:00.001-08:00

Please enjoy this new story! I hope you find it at least somewhat satisfying.

Happy March, everyone

***

Burned House Down
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I decided I would burn my own house down, just for fun. I got all the stuff I wanted out first, and made sure everything was safe, that no one else was in there, and that nothing near it would get hurt. But, man, I torched my house up like a motherfucker.

It was brilliant. My house became a beacon that could be seen from miles away. I bet ships even used it to guide themselves. The fire destroyed everything that had once been mine. Some people came by to watch it burn. The house became a fireball, and shot straight upward. It was beautiful. I knew that I had made a clean break. I could start again.

I mean, of course, in theory. Then it turned out that I was now homeless, and that hey, you can't actually get insurance money if you burn it yourself, and also did you know that arson is a crime even if no one minds? But, hey, there's always new to learn. At least I did it. I'll always have that to carry with me.

***

Story #53 - Clicked On Spam

2010-02-22T20:21:00.000-08:00

Hello! Here is a story about something that, I am sure, you have thought about at least once in your life. (By reading this story I am assuming you have been on the internet before.)

***

Clicked on Spam
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I got an email today. It was a series of random letters and numbers and symbols, with a link at the end. And you know what? I said fuck it. I clicked on it. It assisted me in deleting most of the things on my computer.

There were more emails, promising me 80% off something, I don't even know what. I clicked on that too. It was refreshing not to worry about handing over my personal information. It was joy. I clicked on every spam email I had in my folder. Yes, I am interested in your money. Yes, I do want prescription Viagra. Yes, you can do whatever you want with me. I am yours.

I went to the seediest websites I could find. I was the 1,000,000th viewer on all of them, and I made sure they knew. I won the lottery over and over again. There were girls from my hometown who, I was promised, wanted nothing more than to fuck me that night. I was available. I wanted everything they could sell me, and more.

It was good to do this, to make a fresh start. To give everything away. I didn't want my own life anyway. Let someone else become me. Then I'll become someone else too.

***

Story #52 - Fought A Tiger

2010-02-15T17:38:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone! I hope you like the new layout! It was designed by none other than Betsy Haibel, the greatest person on this earth. (Fact.) Here is a new story to celebrate. And because it's Monday night. But whatever!

***
Fought A Tiger
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I don't know why I wanted to do it, but it had been a dream of mine. Was it the movies? Or did I think that, by doing this, I would become a person?

Either way, I jumped over the fence at the zoo into the tiger habitat. There were some big cats there, and they were all asleep. Well, that was no good. I cleared my throat. "Hello," I said. Then a bit louder. "Meow," I said. It would be dishonorable to fight a sleeping tiger. So I waited. Eventually I decided to just hang around until they woke. I saw some meat over by the side, and figured, if it's good enough for tigers, it's good enough for me. I went over and picked it up. Then they woke up.

Finally. I threw the meat aside and faced one of them. I started to say something I had practiced before - "Long have I prepared for this day of battle!" - but then the tiger started running at me and growling. It was a lot faster than Wikipedia had told me. Still, I managed to grab hold of it by the arms as it pounced on me. It knocked me on to my back. The other tigers watched with disinterest. I tried all my best fighting moves - namely, punching it in the face a few times and kicking it - but I will admit, the tiger got the best of me, and was a natural fighter. Also he had teeth and claws. Fair enough. But I was doing it. I was living my dream.

I managed to stay alive - several formerly important organs were removed, but that's no matter. I did it. Ladies and gentlemen, I fought a tiger. And it was good. Course I'm on life support now, but, hey. You've only got one life anyway.

***

Poem #2 - Untitled by Josh Gottlieb-Miller

2010-02-08T22:21:00.001-08:00

Hi everyone! I am extremely pleased to bring you LOBD's 2nd poem! We have a prose poem by none other than Josh Gottlieb-Miller, a gentleman and scholar who is currently in the MFA program at University of Houston. He wrote a different poem once for this site, over here. Please enjoy his works!

***

Untitled

by Josh Gottlieb-Miller

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions, but I kept behaving like a tourist. To live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions. I kept hedging my bets and betting against my mother. I joined a subversive party, but I became an informer. I visited pornographic sites but only as research for a project. Even the decision to live in the land of bad decisions I began to question. I took sides. I drew up maps in case of any and all emergencies. I started double-checking my locks, the knobs on the gas stove, the light inside the refrigerator. I bought an electronic bug detector. I bought electronic bugs. I would have bugged my friends but I didn’t trust them. I bugged myself. I destroyed the records of my buggings, the tapes and the transcripts, the eyewitness accounts. I started over. I moved by night over the border. I registered myself with religious authorities. I asked them what they wanted me to do. I made sacrifices to the Gods of the land of good decisions. I invented old proverbs that satisfied my conditions: If you want happiness, prepare for incontinence. If you want peace, prepare re-zoning regulations. I read a story by someone I admired and told him it was good. I listened to my enemies and told them they were right. I was happy. I was alive. If you want to be alive, prepare to not die.

***

Story #51 - Didn't Move

2010-02-01T17:58:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone! Happy February, if you are interested in February. Here is a new story, and I hope you enjoy it.

***
Didn't Move
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I was sitting in a booth at Hamburger Spain, having just finished my burger y queso, when I decided that I wasn’t going to move anymore. So I dropped my hands down to my lap and sat there, motionless, staring off into the distance. Luckily it was the window, so I got to see outside. It was not a nice day, having rained for the last few hours.

At first it was an endurance test. I really wanted to blink, or to scratch my nose, or straighten my hair. But then I realize it should be a test for everyone else – how would they react to me?

Other customers avoided me. One person asked, “Is this seat taken?” and then backed away slowly when I didn’t acknowledge them. Someone once sat in my line of sight, but they couldn’t handle my blank gaze.

Eventually the sky darkened and the restaurant was going to close up. The manager came. “Sir,” he said. “You’re going to have to leave.” But I was already in my rhythm, having sat still for hours and hours. He wouldn't move me.

“Ah,” he said. “I know how this is done.” He got into the seat across from me and stared at me. And he didn't move. He stared deep into my eyes. And it was unsettling, and I was scared. But I wouldn't stop. And neither, it seemed, would he.

And then his co-worker whacked me on the head with a hot frying pan, and I blacked out. But, you know. I felt like I still won.

***

Story #50 - Wouldn't Stop Talking

2010-01-25T22:02:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone, it is the 50th story on LOBD! It would be more impressive if it was a year ago, but still I think it is okay.

I wrote this story on a plane, a fact which has nothing to do with its content. Enjoy!

***

Wouldn't Stop Talking

by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

One day I decided not to stop talking. I would just go on and on no matter what it was. I went to the supermarket. When the checkout person asked me how I was, I said, "Everything is fine and nothing is wrong! The weather is the way it has been for the last two days. I don't think that there are any problems, except for obvious ones. Look at this orange I am buying. I chose it because it is the very best orange. I think I would like to make some orange slices with it. I am going to pay by debit, by the way. That is a good option." Etcetera, etcetera. You get the idea.

I kept talking on my way out the doors, just about how i was and what was going on that day. I was talking whether or not people wanted to listen. Most people saw me coming and instinctively jumped out of the way, until I was the only one left on the sidewalk. Eventually I got to work and I kept talking there too. I could feel m voice blending in with the persistent hum in the office. A co-worker eventually threw her paper-mâché potato tomato at me, which hurt, but I still wouldn't stop.

In fact, I only stopped talking, finally, when I was hit over the head with a folding chair many, many times. Even then I tried to say something, but they kept hitting me until they had knocked all my teeth out, one by one. Talking was difficult after that. I'm told that I did slip into unconsciousness after a while. I woke up in the exact same position, surrounded by my teeth.

I'm not worried about them. I'm sure they'll grow back.

***

Story #49 - Third Rail

2010-01-18T23:28:00.000-08:00

I know this is a bit late, but I hope you enjoy it just the same. Thank you for reading.

***
Third Rail
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I mean, it's right there, isn't it? All white and gleaming and tempting me, with big signs saying "DANGER" and pictures of men getting zapped by lightning bolts. First of all, what's more metal than that? And secondly, how could they possibly mean it? I thought they were bluffing.

So one night, after the trains stopped running, I jumped onto the track and reached my hand out to the third rail. And yes, I did have visions of unicorns and barren, war-torn landscapes, and mutant dogs and tanks. I had a double-edged sword that I kept in a sheath by my side, and boots that were tacky and out of place. It was up to me to liberate the people from the tyrannical army that ruled the city, one that oppressed freedoms and hated cupcakes. And I would fight until I was dead.

I woke up in a hospital. A drunk had found me, taken any possessions I had, and called an ambulance. That was nice of him or her. It is good to know that there are strangers who will look out for you.

***

Story #48 - Jumped On A Car

2010-01-11T17:57:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone! Here is this week's story, and I hope you enjoy it.

***
Jumped On A Car
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

It's always been a dream of mine to jump onto the hood of a moving car. So I went to the nearest bridge that overlooked a highway. It was midday, and the cars were moving freely. I waited. I saw one coming up that looked old, and a had a wide front. I readied myself, waited until it disappeared under the bridge, and leaped.

I landed right on the hood. And it was awesome. Of course, once I was there, I had to think about holding onto something, so I grabbed on to the front of the hood, near the windshield. The driver was a man, probably 40s, who had a thick beard. He looked upset for some reason. He swerved his car all over the road, but I held on. I started to get up, and I made my way to the roof. He was still swerving, but I knew what I was doing.

Then he slammed on the brake, and I flew once more, this time into the grill of an oncoming truck.

But guess what? Turns out it's all his fault, at least according to the court documents.

***

Story #47 - Forgot to Breathe

2010-01-04T19:38:00.000-08:00

Happy new year! I hope your 2010 is a good one. Here is a story that has nothing to do with anything.

***
Forgot to Breathe
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

One day I simply forgot to breathe. Just forgot. Like you would forget your car keys, or to wash your dog. It just didn't cross my mind.

It was interesting at first - why am I experiencing so much pain? - but once I remembered, I did my best to keep forgetting. I tried thinking about other things - birds, small rocks, a trip to Tulsa - but the memory persisted. I didn't want to not breathe. It's just that I wanted not to recall how.

Eventually I collapsed on the floor, the weight of memory (or something else) pressing down on me.

Reader, I did not suffocate to death. Instead I passed out for a while, until my body, filling with air, remembered all on its own.

I feel a bit cheated.

***

Story #46 - Virginia

2009-12-28T20:32:00.000-08:00

Please remember, this story is a work of fiction and does not reflect my actual views. That being said, Maryland is the best state.

***
Virginia
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

For years I thought Virginia was the land of bad decisions. I couldn't see any other reason why anyone would live there. It was the worst of the south combined with the worst of the north. It had nothing to offer to anyone. So I went.

At first, it wasn't so bad - I was disappointed in new and innovative ways. But soon I was surrounded, the horrible masses crowding around like zombies. The soulless, dead eyes of defense contractors and yuppies and hicks. I had forgotten one of the most important rules: the only thing worse than Virginia is Virginians.

The state of Virginia is not the land of bad decisions. You can make bad decisions there, as you can anywhere. But Virginia does not forgive or forget. It makes you want to not make any decision, not a good one, not a bad one, not now, not ever again.

Next stop: West Virginia.

***

Story #45 - Hiking A Mountain

2009-12-21T19:10:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone,

Here is a new story for you, it may or may not be based on true events.

***
Hiking a Mountain
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I went up to hike a mountain, and I tried to do it in the exact wrong way possible.

First thing, I didn't tell anyone where I was going. I figured, who needs to know? I'll just go up and come back down. It doesn't have to be a thing. It turns out this is something you are not supposed to do, ever.

Then, I made sure I only brought with me two granola bars, as it was all I had and I was confident that I did not need anything else for sustenance. I certainly didn't bring any water.

I wore mostly the wrong clothing. I didn't even know what to wear for a mountain hike, so I put on some boots and whatever else I had on. I was ready.

I made sure I was confused about distances, so I didn't know how long the hike would last and where it would lead. I also tried my best to avoid maps, which is harder then it sounds.

I started my hike. I took the paths that were difficult, the ones that led up. About an hour or so into it, when I was getting tired, I met a bear. It looked up at me. I waved and said hello. It did not like this.

Luckily for me a passing couple took pity on me and carted my decaying flesh down the mountain, but man, let me tell you. Try not to meet a bear.

***

Story #44 - Punched A Mailman

2009-12-14T18:11:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone! LOBD is now back from its self-imposed hiatus! If I make a post in 2009, then it can only be considered a year long. LOBD will now post on Monday nights/Tuesday mornings. Let's pick up where we left off.

***
Punched a Mailman
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I saw my mailman come up to my front door to deliver the mail. "Hi Fred," I said. Then I punched him in the face. I punched him other places as well, but the face was the most satisfying.

The next day I didn't see Fred, but it was Sunday, so it was understandable.

On Monday my mailbox was overflowing with mail, and most of it was profane to man and god. A lot of it was just junk - coupons and unwanted mail and the like. I saw a few envelopes that had drawings of penises on them, and others that were addressed to "Fuck You I Hate You." I also got tons of spam - someone had printed out their spam e-mail and mailed them to me.

On Tuesday, I was targeted by a direct mail company that had my address somehow. Now I get special offers for everything. And they know everything about me - what I like, what my habits are, mostly from magazine subscriptions (which don't come anymore).

And on it went. At Christmastime I didn't get any cards, despite relatives who say that they sent them. They withheld all mail on my birthday - my box was empty. And I never receive mail with my name on it anymore - always "Occupant" or "Resident" or "Spineless Douchebag."

I could complain - and I did, loudly - but in the end I am happy with my decision. I keep every piece of mail that comes my way. My place is overflowing with letters. I am thinking of making an archive and an index.

***

Story #43 - Firework

2008-07-11T12:03:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness it has been over two months since I last wrote a LOBD story. I am so sorry for the delay, but things have been hectic and I have been forgetful. Let's let bygones be bygones and I will write more and hopefully you will send me more stories. Friends? Friends.

Here's a story I was going to write for last week, the 4th of July, but didn't get around to. So, happy belated independence day!

***

Firework
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decision. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

It was the 4th of July and we were all gathered at the middle school to watch the fireworks. The brass band played the national anthem and we all waited, waited for what seemed to be too long. It always takes forever for them to start.

And then up went the first one - the high whistle of a rocket taking off - and the bright blue explosion in the sky, a concentric circle, falling down. And then another: red. Then green. White. Red.

That's when I got up and ran downhill towards them. I had a question that I wanted to have answered. I climbed over the plastic orange fence that blocked the way between me and the field.

You'll laugh, but -- well -- I wanted to catch one.

I saw the fireworks disappear in the sky, the smoke rising up, and I wanted to see if they fell, where they fell to.

It turns out that I don't know much about how fireworks work.

***

Story #42 - Telephone

2008-05-02T12:32:00.000-07:00

Sorry for missing another week; here is your story as requested.

***

Telephone
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Here's what I did:

I took a telephone, I put it in my hand. I pressed the buttons until it made the sounds I liked. I tried to make songs, but they were mostly atonal and boring.

I tried all the seven letter words I could think of: 1-800-PROBLEMS, 1-800-EARACHE, 1-800-CUPCAKE.

If I got a business I said, "I would like to buy several products."

If I got a person in their home, I had to think very fast. I would say, "I am on fire!" or "My house is gone!" or "I have been poisoned!"

And they'd say, "Are you sure?"

Or, "Who is this?"

Or hang up.

I never got to talk to anybody more than that. Sometimes I'd hang up. Sometimes I couldn't think of anything good enough to say.

Accidentally, I called someone I knew. I showed up on their caller ID. "Why are you calling me?" he said. "Why are you doing this?"

That night, while I was somewhere else, he broke into my house and smashed all my telephones with a croquet mallet.

Now I don't talk to anyone.

***

Story #41 - Outside

2008-04-18T14:40:00.001-07:00

***

Outside
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

It was so nice outside, damn it really was, so I sat out there on a chair and thought, you know, I'm going to stay here. I'm not going back inside at all. Not at all.

It proved more difficult. For one thing, it turns out to be cold at night. I found a patch of sod they were using to cover up an upturned field, and I slept under that. I found shelters - the tarps at baseball diamonds, dumpsters, various pieces of cloth.

For food I would scour around the area, looking at trash cans, going to pick up the scraps from restaurants. Sometimes there were cats and dogs.

Then winter came. Turns out that the weather isn't always this nice, sometimes it gets extremely cold. I ate snow to survive, as much as that could have helped. I tried to make warm insulation inside of me. I may have gotten frostbite? I don't know.

The important thing is that my sojourn outside was terminated - not by my own free will, understand, but by someone picking up my frozen body and taking it to a hospital. That bastard. Didn't they know I didn't want any help - that this is what I chose, to make a life like this for myself?

I was so close.

***

Story #40 - Climbing a Tree

2008-04-11T12:07:00.000-07:00

Dang, I have been neglectful, I guess that is what happens when you are busy all the time. But no fear! I will try to get this back to at least a semi-regular schedule.

***
Climbing a Tree
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

When I was 9 or so, there was this tree in my neighborhood that I could climb up easily. So sometimes I would go up there and hide for a time.

Once, I decided I would stay there for as long as possible. I didn't prepare, I just went up and did not come down.

Only, I didn't tell anybody. Which is why, when my family walked past yelling my name, trying to find me, I wasn't sure whether I should answer or not. Part of me knew I should probably come down there. Part of me was thinking: Stay up here. Stay up here. Don't say anything.

Oh, I came down eventually. Someone in my family eventually looked up. They got angry. I was grounded for maybe a week or so, I don't remember.

Looking back I think that I knew, even then, that it was a bad decision to begin with. And yet I did it anyway. Maybe I shouldn't have, who can say that now. But it happened.

I haven't been back up the tree yet.

***

Story #39 - The Message, by Adam Mirvis

2008-03-21T16:53:00.001-07:00

Sorry for missing last week, but I am making it up to you by posting a new story by Adam Mirvis! Picture the coolest person you know; Mr. Mirvis can defeat him. Yeah, I know. Here is the story.

***

The Message
By Adam Mirvis

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I pondered this thought while blinking into the blindingly bright light. After several long seconds, my pupils began to adjust, and I stopped having to squint quite so hard.

The crew stood about, some making last-minute adjustments, but most with nothing to occupy them. Nerves were apparent in their faces, but also a barely-contained giddiness. Like the equipment we were using, the crew was mostly scrounged up - some had been ungraciously retired before their time, others were young amateurs, in way over their heads.

Already, I could begin to feel the warmth of the lights creeping into my skin, my collar beginning to itch. It had taken nearly seventeen months to get everything in place - surreptitiously patching into the cable and satellite networks, assembling our broadcasting station, coordinating our assault so that all the media channels would be redirected, simultaneously, to us.

I reflected on what we had done - on what we were about to do. As I watched the hand just off the center of my field of view counting down...five...four...I indulged in a brief fantasy of the world we were about to create. Everything would be different - better. We would be treated as heroes one day. Three...a small red light came on, just to the right of the camera lens. Two...one...an index finger, pointing at me in pregnant silence.

I cleared my throat, and began to yodel.

***

Story #38 - Underwater

2008-03-07T16:45:00.001-08:00

Right, sorry this one is so late. So, for the spring of 2008, LOBD is now moving to FRIDAYS. That's right, Friday is now LOBD day, as it fits better with my schedule.

Remember, you can (and should!) submit your own LOBD entry, by following the rules, as linked to on the right.

Now then.

***

Underwater
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

So I submerged myself in water, and told myself I would not come back up. The idea was not to kill myself, it was just to test my limits.

At first it was bad. I could hardly hold my breath for more than a minute. I had to teach myself new ways to breathe, ways that surprised myself. I read some very interesting texts.

I got to five minutes and started to feel like I'd accomplished something.

Then six. Then six and a half, then seven. Finally I worked it up to ten.

I kept going like this, in different places - swimming pools, lakes, ponds, especially large baths. Sometimes lifeguards would come and "rescue" me, which of course led to further complications.

Eventually I learned how to eat plankton.

And now I think I have a handle on things. I have learned how to do it very well. For long, long periods of time. Where do you think I'm writing this from?

***

Story #37 - Bad Drugs

2008-02-28T14:29:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the delay on this one, I have been extremely busy (and forgetful, okay). But we are back for reals this time!

***

Bad Drugs
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I took some bad drugs. It started out as an experiment, sort of, to be how many drugs I could take without dying. But I'm not that well off, and so I couldn't get my hands on the good stuff. So I took what I could get.

It was interesting, to say the least. My body had trouble ingesting some of them, and chose to expel it in the sorriest way. The rest, well. How do I describe it.

I went to Antarctica, and I was very surprised not to see any penguins there but rather the busts of the heads of several Vice Presidents, including Magic Johnson, our 50th. I dug a hole in the ground - surprisingly easy - and covered myself with the snow, determined to make myself a snowman. It was difficult. The snow kept falling off and turning into small children. They wanted some candy, but I had none.

It was very cold, and I was very cold. Suddenly a face appeared that had no mouth but was still asking me to leave, first politely, but then rudely. It had an axe for a hand and a hand for a foot. It's foot-hand grabbed me on the leg, like a cat would if a cat had fingers instead of paws. It kept on doing this.

Then at the end I was a few states over and colder than I had ever been.

I refuse to go to the hospital for this. I refuse.

***

Story #36 - Waffle Iron

2008-02-07T14:20:00.000-08:00

Folks, sorry it's been so long since my last story, but I hope you enjoyed the hiatus. I am busy this year but I'm going to stick to posting one story a week, every Thursday, for your enjoyment.

Of course, you could make it easier by writing something yourself and sending it to me.

***

Waffle Iron
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

It was right in front of me, and I could not help it. I turned it on and waited a few minutes. While I waited I fixed myself a strong drink of whiskey and soda water.

Then it was nice and hot. I opened it. I put my hand in the middle. I closed it.

It's like how you go to reach a kettle or something, and it's hot, so your hand instinctively moves away. Only now, it can't.

When I finally took it off - charred, seared - I saw the square marks covering it all over, having left their print.

And it was awesome.

***

Poem #1 - Frustration attraction, by Josh Gottlieb-Miller

2008-01-10T12:25:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the week hiatus, but I was in France visiting a friend, and I forgot to let people know. So I'm saying this advance, that this blog will be going on a two-week hiatus, beginning again on January 31.

However, it is not all bad news! I am proud to present the first poem written for the Land of Bad Decisions! It is by Josh Gottlieb-Miller, a good friend and a good poet. Please enjoy this offering and, while you are at it, submit something yourself.

***
Frustration attraction
by Josh Gottlieb-Miller

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

Every decision is a bad decision, that’s not enough. I needed to make some bad decisions, really make them. I needed a nickname

from the roommates I needed a bad habit, bad. I wanted to be a home-wrecker. I wanted to be loved the way a house needs an explosion

a demolition a fixing-up so it doesn’t have to have problems. I had to be a house I had to be livable. When I found my bad decision I had to be a worse decision,

I had to be somebody else’s bad decision because it’s not a land of bad decisions if I’m the only citizen. Fuck houses. I’m talking about whole new universes

of attraction I’m talking about raising the stakes because no girl wants to cheat with a fucking angel. I had to be a big crunch ending,

or a stars ripped open and exploding but not the cold slow advance of nothingness. I had to be the night that can’t drink enough

I had to be the drink that isn’t dark enough I had to be the God of Bad Boyfriends and gambler’s luck and candlelight suns and midnight blowjobs.

I wanted bigger bad decisions, climbing into bed decisions, turning off the light decisions, getting out of bed decisions, having another shot of bourbon great decisions.

Big bad bang bad decisions. It was as if my universe had come into contact with another universe and the result would be a never-ending cycle of destruction

and creation. And every morning that comes up is a morning after. And it comes up because of us.

And there are still Gods out there we can no longer see and no longer feel even as they exert gravitational pull. Perhaps there are houses to live in

and universes to live in that don’t end and begin at the drop of a name into a confession. Up there the cosmos isn’t black there’s just nothing

for the light particles to illuminate. Ain’t no way to build a home in the land of bad decisions. So build a universe. So tear it down.

I want to live in the land of bad decisions. I want to make it mine. The worst decisions again and again, until they come up roses.

Story #35 - Starving

2007-12-27T14:44:00.000-08:00

Here's a new one, the last one of 2007. Thanks for staying with it.

***

Starving
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

I went on a hunger strike. Not for any reason, not for any cause, but just to do it, I guess. Hubris, that's what I would say. I stopped eating because I thought I would enjoy it.

I was wrong. It was maybe a day or two before I couldn't move, and so I would just sit on the couch or watch TV and get hungry. I stopped doing anything. I was very tired and very cranky often.

I would just sit there and try not to think about food, which is difficult, because food is so amazing. I mean it really is awesome. You should try it sometime. And every program on TV has some mention of food or of eating that it made me feel even worse.

I couldn't tell when I should break my hunger strike, as I was striking for no reason, but I decided it should be "before I die." So, yeah, I started eating again. But now I appreciate food, even the things that tasted bad. It is a good thing that you can do to yourself. It will be okay, I swear, I will be okay.

***

Happy new year.

Story #34 - Hung Over

2007-12-20T16:43:00.001-08:00

Sorry this story is so late, I got caught up with things. And it's going to be short, cause I don't have much to say. Here it is.

***

Hung Over
by Dan Schwartz

I wanted to live in the land of bad decisions. In order to live in the land of bad decisions, you have to make some bad decisions.

And this morning, I was so hung over, God, it was awful. I had problems in my stomach and my brain. It was like being found at the bottom of the ocean. It was like being stepped on repeatedly by passers-by.

I couldn't get up or even move. I stayed there trying to go back to sleep, thinking that could save me, but I was not allowed to enter.

Here's what I have to say. The land of bad decisions is my favorite place. But sometimes to get there you have to pay a horrible price. This is the way I feel right now. This is the way I feel today.

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